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Thread: The true legend

  1. #1
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    The true legend


    Dan was once legendary in the vast empire of Japan+
    He would band a samurai mercenary to crumble Yuishito Hakan+
    Our story begins with our hero ocean
    A Village planter, a peasants income for a simple life+
    A robust manner, daily vestige barely spent with his wife+
    While one evening the day was eerily motionless and calm+
    Horses naying and screaming a mile away, army posted strong+
    Masses of screaming soldiers charge, their numbers rumbling the earth+
    the village fleeing at large, going under from the soldiers burst+
    Dan wont shirk, tho shivers engulf him while he's gripping his sheathe+
    *slow and steady ,breathe....I will fight to the death, till death reaches me*+
    sweat dripping from his brow, powerful strokes delimb the enemies+
    Blood is hitting the ground, u hear chokes of slit throats in this gruesome centerpiece+
    continuing to swing hotly as the gashes overtake his body, he screams slumped to his knees+
    The invaders leave him for dead and cheer with mockery at their massacre+
    everything green turns to red, this is equivalent to slaughtering a mass of herds+
    Still, motionless, and calm,but if u listen ever so slightly u can hear life+
    Ocean rolls over to find his wife, cold to his touch, this is too much+
    He screams while looking up, her body sheared,teared and blood streaked+
    he's weak, as he crawls to the remains of his once comfortable hut+
    This was the beginning of an empires fall,great pain will fall ,trust+
    Ocean sobbing,swears his revenge,*I hope they increase their defense..+
    cuz im coming to their fence with intent to take the lives of thousands of men*+
    Thus our hero has no choice , for fate picked his path.
    This is the story of an empires dead end with the wrong guy+
    This is the legend of the samurai
    unabridged
    Last edited by +Danny Ocean+; June 17th, 2004 at 09:52 PM

  2. #2

  3. #3
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    uppin

  4. #4
    Newbie Mercury's Avatar
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    this was cool man, i liked how u stayed on topic!
    u had great vocab, to make the images appear less vague!
    i would suggest better multi usage and structure!
    multis will make it smoother on rhyme scheme, and structure will make the images jump after another better! but this was well rounded man!
    good drop!
    pc

  5. #5
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    thanx for the feedback

  6. #6
    this was a very original thing to rap about
    you stayed on topic nicely
    you had a very good vocabulary throughout the thing
    overall this was a good read

  7. #7
    That Shit Cray Chris Black's Avatar
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    This was a completely original concept. Great storytelling kept my attention well. The flow was a little off in spots. Overall this was a good read. Keep up the good work. Oh, and the plus signs get anoying after a while.

    My Open Mic:http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=133021

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  8. #8
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    thnx w1cked. Uppin for more feedback.

  9. #9
    xNY~NJx CAMROK's Avatar
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    not bad.. not bad, at all...
    Like the other feedback, the concept was very original,
    but one of which I liked, samarai shit/movie = dope.
    There is some room for improvement, however..
    vocab got a little stronger towards the end,
    flow was on/off at a few points,
    but overall, this was very good for someone new to the site,
    Dope drop. keep up.
    PandorasBox



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  10. #10
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    thanx, uppin

  11. #11
    Close To The Wrath Of God Brother Blue Collar's Avatar
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    nice peice good lines and structure flowed nicely and the vocab and imagery was above average overall good shit
    I believe i'm making some good music, please just wait for me




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