Letter before death

[CAMROK]

Letter before Death

Outraging air, violent sweeps as to breathe I try *gasp*
Breathing, balance I lack, just this pen and paper in lap
Perhaps my last moments in life, in sights and lingering
All goals in life pass through my mind, as I hold swindeling
Nervousness set in long ago, tragic deaths the world behold
Can God save us now?... question nobody knows...
The reports I didn't believe.. instead I sat lonely
No money to leave, I just had my family.. only
God, save my family to a place far away, spare me
Fuck mother nature, and death how its posed' to be
Leave me here as I die, and let the winds pass them by
If u bring us to heaven, cry remains and I'll still ask why
No place better then here, our one life on this earth
Birth to old age.. God please.. do it for all I'm worth...


News at 10:00

This letter to the editor, placed in newspapers world wide
Left in a house of wreckage, that the hurricane blew aside
Yesterday afternoon, the storm severly hit Southern Florida
Leaving a tragic disaster, and many lives did Hurricane Martha
This one particular family, this man wrote this letter
Asking God for a miracle, and for his family the better
His life was taken with this storms tragedy, and all of us care
But John, if u can hear us, thank God for answering your prayer

[CAMROK]

Linked:

Sureal - Twist of fate..
.. I'll be replying to others as well.

[CAMROK]

upppin

[CAMROK]

up up.. some feedback plz

[Telekinetic]

This was pretty good. Great idea. It seemed the man was praying to god that he die instead of his family. Also seemed like he didn't want to go to heaven because he loved this place so much. That's one way I seen it.

The other way was sparked by two bars.....It had a complex meaning really that could be taken different ways.

"God, save my family to a place far away, spare me
Fuck mother nature, and death how its posed' to be"

The spare me part: It can mean spare me the moment, spare my life, or spare me the pain. The reader needs to know this.
It along with this bar seemed like they would not even be in the same verse

"No place better then here, our one life on this earth
Birth to old age.. God please.. do it for all I'm worth..."

After he just said fuck mother nature. He then turns around an says there is no place better than here.
Put some more time into this and it could be very dope.
Hope I helped some. Peace

I hope you get what im saying here.
It needs to be more clear. Also it could be a bit longer with more imagry.

[RealiM]

fav line:
Nervousness set in long ago, tragic deaths the world behold
Can God save us now?... question nobody knows...

i was feeling this alot man, i guess its something most people can relate to, depressing poems are always popular because you know, most people are depressed..

i lost track of what you were saying at times.. but overall i thought it was a great peice of work..

7.5/10

[CAMROK]

thanks alot guys..

tele, loved how u thought alot through the piece in and out. I know what you're saying. But I'm glad you said it. Tha'ts what I wanted the piece to do... make you think and come up with ur own ideas. The man wrote it before death, so his emotions were scattered some.

much thanks! uppin

[SMZ]

The scattered thoughts were well presented - made it seem like how someone would be thinking as they watched their death coming - one thing however was that I noticed quite a number of awkward wordings in that first section - like:
"Outraging air, violent sweeps as to breathe I try *gasp*"
"to breath I try" is just weird - if you wanted to keep the broken sentences you could've done something like:
Outraging air, violent sweeps, trying to breath, *gasp*
decent closers - worked pretty well - could've maybe been a little stronger but they worked alright - flow was on point - keep dropping

[Miss_Jess]

read this few times to really get what you were sayin but i really loved this one, deep emotion,different ways to look at this piece (that means it's really really really good)...Haven't got much time to give a real indepth feedback but i'll edit this later. One of the best -not too long,pure emotion-pieces i've read!

[CAMROK]

thank you .. much appreciated,
feedback means alot to me..

anymore?

[CAMROK]

uppin

[CAMROK]

uppin for feedback

[CAMROK]

up.

[CAMROK]

to the top^

[Err0r]

Some of it was confusing, but it was an entertaining read and was involved. Good title for this also. Work on getting a little deeper into the voice. But good job, man.