No Need To Hide..

[נєм]

Commented on...
Lingwistik
The Realist


No Need To Hide

In the stillness I hear your voice calling,
Inwardly hiding why you are falling.
You are saying my name, but I can not reach you,
Hearing those unspoken words, so sad, so blue,
Hoping we will never split, stick together like glue.
Dont be scared, there is no need to hide,
Step out of the darkness, swallow your pride,
Come from the darkness into the light,
Your with me now everything is alright.
I feel there is something in you hurting,
For I too have experienced that burning,
Forever standing still watching the world turning.
I yearn to share those burdens you carry,
You hide those feelings, ones you hope to bury.
My love, when you need an ear I am here to listen,
When you need uplifting I will make you glisten.
My arms are here for which to hold,
For even the strong are not always bold,
I will always help you out even when we are old.
A promise to you are all these things,
You have helped me take-off --- given me wings,
Whenever you are happy, up there an Angel sings.
During times of trials and desperation,
You have carmed me down with inspiration.
Give me a chance to help you through,
The chance I would give a friend like you.
Let me help you as you have helped me,
Our love is more than money so it comes at no fee,
No cost, no money, it all comes for free.

[Perpetual]

it seemed liked poetry
it was kind of simple
it could use somre multies, you know stuff like that
and you could have more thought out similes, instead of that stick like glue on
overall it was average, it put it outs its message, with some good emotion

[Mistral]

its 2 links now man.

But i thought this was alright though....structure was alright in this....the flow was there, it got choppy at some points but i liked it still though....Kinda simple rhyming words though....the content of the piece was good, i liked reading it....overall a alright piece man.

[Mixtape]

it was kinda like poetry, but man i was feelin this, like to hear it more as a audio, the rhyme scheme was pretty fresh, this track was hott like ta see some more by ya...

peace out

[נєм]

thanx for that man..
so its poetry now? it does read a bit like poetry actualy..
but it's not..

[Richard Parker]

before i start - overall; i think that this piece was good. i won't say average, because this was much much better than the average shit dropped in this forum. Yet it was still lacking in a lot of areas also, so its simply good. not dope or vet yet. (not that i am either, im not anything great at topicals).

In the stillness I hear your voice calling,
Inwardly hiding why you are falling.

in an open mic you should be aiming for a lot more complex of a rhyme scheme. you only rhymed the last word in this and most of your sentences in this piece. try rhyming the last three syllables or words. it sounds a lot better. for example:

hear this silent tone//
fear this xylophone//
^lmao @ the example.. but thats what u should be doing, except with much better choice of words. check out pieces by koalatee, baron mynd, most top OM heads, or even myself - although im not a top OM head i do always rhyme like that.

You are saying my name, but I can not reach you,
Hearing those unspoken words, so sad, so blue,
simple rhyming again. its throughout the piece so i will no longer mention it.

Hoping we will never split, stick together like glue.
word up

Dont be scared, there is no need to hide,
Step out of the darkness, swallow your pride,
Come from the darkness into the light,
Your with me now everything is alright.

nice transition

I feel there is something in you hurting,
For I too have experienced that burning,
Forever standing still watching the world turning.
I yearn to share those burdens you carry,
You hide those feelings, ones you hope to bury.
now ur skipping around too much emotion wise..try to connect ideas clearly... u went from being with her to hiding feelings all too fast without good transition..

My love, when you need an ear I am here to listen,
When you need uplifting I will make you glisten.
My arms are here for which to hold,
For even the strong are not always bold,
I will always help you out even when we are old.
A promise to you are all these things,
You have helped me take-off --- given me wings,
Whenever you are happy, up there an Angel sings.
During times of trials and desperation,
You have carmed me down with inspiration.
Give me a chance to help you through,
The chance I would give a friend like you.
Let me help you as you have helped me,
Our love is more than money so it comes at no fee,
No cost, no money, it all comes for free.

good piece overalll..... i dont have the time to give a good break down right now i have a test so sorry..

[Big Kountry]

yeah rascal it does read a bit like poetry but it is deep and ful of though my man i could feel you on this one dude

[Richard Parker]

then again it could have been a good reply... lol ^

[נєм]

lol thanx for the feedback.
feebs that was a great reply thanx.

[Lingwistik]

yah this was kinda like poetry, the words were basic ryming, but i still liked it, loox like you put emotion in it and the imagery was cool, it fell thru good, the flow like i said as like poetry, the conceptdand ideas were also put thru well, the vocab was good too, the structure was also good

nice piece, keep it up

peace

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