Angel in Disguise

[נєм]

Angel in Disguise
Take me in your arms, Kiss and Cuddle away my tears,
You overcome my heart-ache and chase away my fears..
Your smile keeps me wam because you're always there for me,
Your Presence keeps me safe and our comfort sets me free..
Your lovingness overpowers my loneliness and gloom,
While death is slowly scattered, you keep me safe from certain doom..
The utter understanding you show me constantly,
Has changed my life forever and continues to help me..
Your satin green eyes and Lovingness at heart,
Makes me hope to stay together and pray we never have to part..
The extravigent generosity you show me day to day,
Never puts you in to trouble in any specific way..
You show me this extreme care, I know I can trust you,
Endless amount of patience shows to all that our love is true..
You're an angel in disguise, expression of sincerity,
Your Sharing hands are strong and carry me away from reality..
Whe im down you always know the right thing to say,
Your the angel I prayed for as a child every single day..
God has suddenly taken you, my heart has lost it's love,
..Can this be true? My only love is gone..
Taken away from me, beyond the clouds and above..
For she was the person, that I lived my life for,
The one I cared most about, who I always will adore,
He must of lost an Angel, to take mine to even the score..
Even though this has happend i will stay strong through this,
I will always have my memories of the time we sharded that first kiss..


Please give me feedback on this its from the heart..

[נєм]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...78#post1402278
^^Droped feedback on this piece of shit ^^

[נєм]

bump come on people i'll hit yours up in return..

[Lingwistik]

yo man, nice piece, you put a good amount of emeotion into this i thought, the imagery was very good no doubt.....the flow was consistent all the way thru......the personification in some parst was really good..........the wording ina few places was a tiny bit ruff but it was mostly really good all the way through........good concepts and ideas too, this was my favorite part rite here

'You're an angel in disguise, expression of sincerity,
Your Sharing hands are strong and carry me away from reality..
Whe im down you always know the right thing to say,
Your the angel I prayed for as a child every single day..'

i liked that part, keep it up

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...50#post1402550

[SMZ]

well "heart" pieces don't generally take feedback well - but I'll give it - and don't get pissed - cause you asked for it...

Felt very simplistic and really honestly - no hate - some parts were nauseauting - ie:

"Your lovingness overpowers my loneliness and gloom,
While death is slowly scattered, you keep me safe from certain doom.."
^that's just so sappy and - ehh - try not to do stuff like that - I mean the ladies might like hearing it - but just... ehh

Flow was decent - except a few parts where I noticed some stretched lines - but overall decent - some decent imagery - just try to tie it in a little better - I guess your best point was your emotion which could be felt through it - work on the technical aspects though - condolesces on your loss - hit something(s) in my sig - peace

[Mistral]

I liked this piece man...You know i like reading stuff like this lol dont ask why...But yeah it was a good read I thought....some lines were kinda stretched which took away from the flow of it kinda but the emotion made up for it....kinda simple at parts but sometimes thats just the best way to get your feelings through...You had a lot of good lines here that i liked...Overall it was a nice piece man...I liked it.

[TheReinvention]

This was great! I enjoyed this piece. I do think you have done real good. You deserve a A man.. If this is from ya heart, and you actually lost a loved one.. then I feel ya. I felt the emotion in this man.. i felt ya! Awsome piece, and AWSOME FLOW! Good job.

Your lovingness overpowers my loneliness and gloom,
While death is slowly scattered, you keep me safe from certain doom..
The utter understanding you show me constantly,
Has changed my life forever and continues to help me..
Your satin green eyes and Lovingness at heart,
Makes me hope to stay together and pray we never have to part..
The extravigent generosity you show me day to day,
Never puts you in to trouble in any specific way..
You show me this extreme care, I know I can trust you,
Endless amount of patience shows to all that our love is true..
You're an angel in disguise, expression of sincerity,
Your Sharing hands are strong and carry me away from reality..

Very good! I love it!

[נєм]

i take it he liked the piece alot then ......
thanx Bump it up..
ill hit your links ASAP..

[Haywood Jewblomi]

A very nice piece. Emotion filled throughout, with a good flow. It coul have maybe used a few multies, but these would have just made it flashier, as oppose to better in any real way. There were a few cases where the beat scheme looked rushed, with an extra syllable or two, but it didn't really retract from it because they could still be worded in your mind to fit in by speeding the line up. Used a little aliteration too, which is alwyas nice. This piece could easily be performed, and is nice in general.

[Split]

alrighty... this was decent, not great, very simplistic, every rhyme you said was very elementary, it was like I could predict what the word you were going to rhyme was gonna be... but the emotion was deep, and it looked like you were putting some effort into the writers voice... but overall, I give it a 6... you need to work on my complex rhymes... and some things didn't make sense... like satin green eyes? are you saying her eyes were green like satin? cause satin is a fabric my man, or the texture of her eyes? or did they hold you like satin? just work on that kind of shit my man

[נєм]

thanx for that man.^^ i appriciate that sort of help

[Baron Mynd]

dude - it wasnt that good to be honest with you. the flows off in some places through too many syllables per line, others there arent enough syllables to balance it out. a lot of its basic rhyming, not really saying anything that hasnt been said before and with no fresh flip to the topic - which is what the readers looking for, some originality. On top of that, word choice could use work, internals and placement if done better would of developed this piece more. if you'd of switched up the rhyme scheme every so many bars it would of helped, imagery wasnt that great - emotion had signs of potential, but you're generally not a polished writer and those aspects show in this.


sorry.

[doesnotexist]

Yo it was aight...these pieces about love if not done right can be very crappy lol
But u had good things like the flow was pretty good. Structure was good for the most part. But i will agree wit what was said earlier some of the lines were predictable and soooo sappy. But keep it up jus get more multies and more comlex.


PLZ GIVE FEEDBACK ON MINE, its a dope as fuck piece but gettin slept on harsh
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=127760

[נєм]

dude - it wasnt that good to be honest with you. the flows off in some places through too many syllables per line, others there arent enough syllables to balance it out. a lot of its basic rhyming, not really saying anything that hasnt been said before and with no fresh flip to the topic - which is what the readers looking for, some originality. On top of that, word choice could use work, internals and placement if done better would of developed this piece more. if you'd of switched up the rhyme scheme every so many bars it would of helped, imagery wasnt that great - emotion had signs of potential, but you're generally not a polished writer and those aspects show in this.


sorry.

Atlast you told me straight.....
will you help me out with topicals in the future?give me some more pointers..
please?

[thechozn1]

i like this piece, the rymes it tight and the story line the title of the song is tight too.
keep it up you got some nice flows.and the syllables were alittle off but overall 5/10

a little to emotionalable

thechozn1