My city

[conquistador]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...15#post1399115

Man everyday I sit and think to get rich
Should I rob pricks, or cop bricks then pitch
Flow sick.....like nyquil and cough syrup
Fine me tipsy feeling risky sipping hard syrup
Never since thrown up
nothing but tha block
I hate running run from nothing....but the cops
Only if you had a day in my shoes
You'd probably get popped and say hey on the news
Playing some pool
But balls ain't what's going in my pockets
I get rich by delivering packets to the projects
son it's only logic
The cake I stack illegal
Run your mouth? and I'll rock you if I need to
He who...held the mic in silence and spite
Fulfilled my thirst with mics not water or sprite
Tonight I get loose stacking chips in worry
That someone will snitch them boys'll come in a hurry
Come for me
He who had whatever the need
from ron, to yak to cookies of weed
K.B not shrwaag or midi
welcome to D.C missy this is my city

[Genocide21]

yo this was a tight verse dawg...though there was problem when you made that transition to the news then to playing pool...confusing....although this was a interesting piece...i know this aint your life...hit me up sometimes......
"A poem for the girl".....http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=128151

"When the Day comes"......http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show....php?t=128049=

[Big Kountry]

Yeah carlos i was feelin this alot but the transiton was a tad bit off but other than that it was a hott peice to read and i enjoyed it

[conquistador]

well I am glad that yall was feeling da kid and I hope yall come to the cypher and get on, cuz I live there

[MuhThugga]

Your flow was off.

Your rhyming was forced.

You just jumped from topic to topic.

Ex. "Man everyday I sit and think to get rich
Should I rob pricks, or cop bricks then pitch
Flow sick.....like nyquil and cough syrup"

Just a bad transition all together.

You need to work on not forming the line around the rhyme but rather the rhyme around the line. It reduces the forcing factor. Once you learn how to do that then you can start to concentrate on sticking to one topic.

[conquistador]

wow...feedback that actually makes me think. On the real homie I was just typing some shit.I wasn't really trying to be perfect I was just trying to put you in my head man.

[Figure]

Yeah, nice verse man. I got all the images from that, but like the others touched on, transitions seemed off. But it works with your goal anyway, of gettin us readers into your head, so good for u.
It gives the impression how the mind often is, when u think about home or life in general. fucked up.. Jus a bunch of rapid fire memories, observances.. Which really help explain the transition between News and pool..
So, an overall a good read for me man.
Keep droppin, and (I know its old, but what the hell) can u return the favour?

The Artist - Suicide
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=127335

War Against Myself
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=126573

Anyone of these would help.. lols.. Peace

[versatility]

good shit but could use more vocab

[conquistador]

The next time I post I am not even gonna try to put you in my mind's eye. I am just gonna strive for lyrical perfection so then yall will evaluate my attempt thoroughly and tell me how close I came.