Sun & Moon

[Bloom.Quist]

Moon & Sun

Sun = White
Moon = Black

A candle which burns in the middle of the day
A nightlight that glows without any delay
Burning expression upon red faces with a desire to be
Lighting darkened emotions, so the blind can see
A beautiful pain which suffers so much joy
A horrible sweetness that takes place of a decoy
Storming flames without a care to the world around
Muted in the day, unable to make a sound
Protecting the cold, with rays of everlasting hope which are never forgot
Helping the bright with a new idea, a focus that will never drop.Blinding observers with a passion towards the skies
A shadow, a decoy, in the event of a man's demise
An honorable dedication to a life filled with power
No one can understand, my unknown power
Filled with barren ideas as i rise in the day
My figurative shape will not be my dismay
I leave you now with a new idea, a new thought
Whether we are worthy of eachother or not

Without us there is nothing, you would surely meet your doom
This is the story of us, of nature, the Sun and the Moon

[Bloom.Quist]

Uppin on this. I originally used some of this in the topical cypher, and wrote onto it to make a poem. Kind of a wierd topic to write to. But drop your opinions. Thanks.

[Spoken]

i think the idea for this poem is great, very original and different. but i think that you oculd have fixed up a few things. one thing is that some lines are uneven with their syables, it loses the flow and makes a rougher read. most of these lines only need one or two added or taken away. really thou the ending was great, i thought it was the perfect ending to this. and i liked the whole thought of this. and each line had good purpose and detail. it was built well. just try fixing up the structure a bit.

T

[Prince Escobar]

^Agreed, the ending is superb but the poem itself leaves more to be desired. The simplicity of it isnt a hinderance except for the fact that it isnt thought provoking and nothing in it's simplicity is impactful, if you had made it more profound while still remaining true to its simplicity it would have had a far greater effect, a good piece nonetheless though, 1luv.

[Bloom.Quist]

Thanks for the replies. Uppin.

[Bloom.Quist]

I would like some replies please. Why thank you.

[Bloom.Quist]

Up this. Dam stop snoozing.

[Morbid Manner]

nice drop bloom, the idea is very original and it had a nice flow to it, its quite an accentric piece which doesnt make it good nor bad, it just makes it eccentric, and quite puzzling.............but thats kinda how i write

check out mine
ETERNITY OF REGRETS/SWEET OBLIVION
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=127150

[Civilized Rebel]

Personally, I thought it was pretty cool. Could've used a smoother flow, and your choice of colors was good too. A bit offsetting at first, but it works perfectly. Otherwise, this was all good. Keep it up.

~Shalom~