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Thread: strenght......please leave feed back

  1. #1
    Banned
    Join Date
    Jul 2003
    Location
    Fort worth, TX
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    strenght......please leave feed back

    subject:strength

    Shallow grave dug within my own poisoned mind
    Demons take flight within the recollected prisms
    Shards of crystal to impale the fated heart sorrowed
    Rainbowed against the steel of a stone pressed soul
    pray to the gods he does not blemish me
    Close the mausoleum door upon my comatose body
    Lifeless as your words strangled me into harsh hypnotism
    A breath shallowed by vengeance and fighting flames
    Apathy drifting my tears to the oceanic ebb of time
    please understand I tried to be the best I could
    Chaotic gleams of indecision twist the cry of echoes
    Anger, hostility, love, sorrow entwine the fragments left
    Barbed wire form the halo you strategically placed raged
    Cries of weeping willows taint the breeze with shrillest yawns
    you played your role as well, I’m not solely to blame
    Tears like gasoline fuel the emblazed instinct within me
    Fight or flee seem null to void when encompassed in rusted chain
    Fingertips shall wear to bone and blood to release the locks
    Residue of submission worn ragged by the frictioned call
    arise the wraith, scorned unwilling to bear the rooted swor
    Seduced by lightning I showed you as you were meant to see
    Hiding the inner venom from the licks of self imprisonment
    Struggling to slip through the crack in your subconscious infuriated
    Implanted delusions from my sorrow to your blind ego
    you are of dust and to dust you shall return
    Your hostile aggressions fanned the spark inside my lips
    Your viced grasp attempted to steal my breath and life
    Your vehement assumptions awakened the fallen angel
    And your walking away gave me strength to live life for me
    from amongst the ashes, the phoenix rose within her glory

  2. #2
    Banned
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    leave me some feed back about what you think and leave a link and ill hit up ne battles if you need wit sum honest votes....pc

  3. #3
    Banned
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    damn....that was one of the best written poems ive seen in a long time..

    it had everything..

    great strong concept
    vocab was awesome
    the feeling and emotion was well written
    the flow of the poem was ez to read ( poems dont rlly have a true flow but ya )
    the length was right on...

    9/10 i didnt see much of ne thing i didnt like in that poem...that was hott...

    keep writin..pieces like this deserve feedback

    good drop

    pec

  4. #4
    Banned
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    thanks man ill make sure to keep writin.......jus wish that people would leave feedback.....shit be gettin slept on cause people dunno mi alias.....but you obviously do

  5. #5
    xNY~NJx CAMROK's Avatar
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    Wow... wow.. vocab?

    Your vocab here was amazing... strong choice of words and help of emotion.. a somewhat complex read to keep with but thats what makes it so good.. it has alot of really good thoughts and concepts within, and it really makes ya think.. I really enjoyed this read.. dope !! keep it up man..

    Yea... I know ur alias too
    PandorasBox



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  6. #6
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    damn this piece was good..........it had amazing vocabulary........the imagery was okay but could have been better and you had some good complex concepts in this poem keep it up man
    Pandora's Box

    YOUR TICKET TO HELL


    I'm an <><><>ALIAS<><><>

  7. #7
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    just because this guy is banned doesnt mean that he cant still get feed back this shit is good uppin it for him if he still around
    Pandora's Box

    YOUR TICKET TO HELL


    I'm an <><><>ALIAS<><><>

  8. #8
    Genocide21
    Guest
    yo im new to rb
    but hey you got to teach me your skills
    that was a tight verse
    it hit me real hard
    good poetry
    damn....that was good

  9. #9
    OG Poet, er some shit.
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    ^Try to leave a better breakdown homie. Just because your new doesnt mean u shouldnt give this poem decent feedback.

    WEll what do ya know, ure banned, anyway i'll still post what i think of this.

    Wow. You do have a good poetic mind. You can translate regular words well into the form of poetry. You described the topic very well, and brought in good vocab alnog with it. Interesting how you describe strength, i pictured it differently to myself. Anyway good job.
    Po'Ethics - Est. 2004




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