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Thread: Dedicated To Danielle...

  1. #1
    Still 'Da Illest MadMan's Avatar
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    Dedicated To Danielle...

    .:The Girl:.
    An innocent little girl and cutest that you'd ever see
    Always good in class, and was raised watchin Disney
    Had a couple boyfriends, who when seperated she'd miss
    Never gave it up though, they were lucky if she would kiss
    Hung out with girls who were sluts, they always dressed the part
    But she dressed in pajamas, preffered the comfort in them by far
    Excelled in athletic's, was the best diver, and water polo player
    Step inside her car, and you'll only find CD's featuring John Mayer
    Her mother wasn't overprotective, she trusted what her Daughter did
    Any person that ever knew her just said "Now that is one good kid!"

    .:The Boyfriend:.
    At a boring time in the Girl's life, came into play another boy
    Whenever they were together, the girl's heart was filled with joy
    They dated an extensive time, from the school beginning to the end
    Passionate affection to the boy, everyday I would see her send
    She told her Mom that it was love, Her Mom said she would get burned
    But once the girl sent out her love, the same feelings were never returned
    The girl played it off however, she said that her boyfriend wasn't ready
    She tried again often times, the denial he expressed was steady

    .:The Brother:.
    Her Brother hated seeing her in pain, he wanted it all to end
    But who's side do you take, your sister's, or that of your best friend?
    He watched his heartbroken sister carry on a relationship that was doomed
    Because the seperation of college, over his sister's relationship, had loomed
    He watched her hate herself, he often watched her cry
    Sat around everyday and answered each question of why
    He loved his sister dearly, but he never knew what he should do.
    He walked up to his best friend and said "This is all because of you."

    .:The End:.
    The relationship ended soon, and the Girl finally moved on.
    And as she is walking to class, she sings a Disney song.
    The real world broke her heart, but it was something she had needed
    Kept on thinking to herself "At least he wasn't the guy I'd sleep with."
    She walks a little slower though, into relationship's that are strong
    Because the next time she says "I Love You." She wants it to be for long.

















































    Dedicated To Danielle
    - MadMan -

    Former Administrator's: Yes, We're That Much Better


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  2. #2
    Still 'Da Illest MadMan's Avatar
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    - MadMan -

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  3. #3
    I found a prefix!!!! f-gee's Avatar
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    well...
    this was more of a rhyming story
    cos the flow was non existant really..if thats what its meant to be like cool

    seemed a bit flat this story...just seemed to lack gripping material
    i got through it alright..just wasnt anything amazing content wise which i kind of expected from you
    the last two lines are the only ones which really stood out
    cant really say much else..
    peace check mine if you could...

    fin
    You need Ghost Dog in your DVD collection


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    it's a bold statement - the new youtube

  4. #4
    Administrator ILLunatic's Avatar
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    It was interesting...
    ...but not impressing
    It could have had more detail...
    ... not that much imagery
    Good flow though...
    ... average, but not to shabby.
    Overall, it was a nice piece...
    ... not one of your best work though.


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  5. #5
    Still 'Da Illest MadMan's Avatar
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    Damn, it seems like everyone expects miracles from me...

    This piece however came from the heart. It's a true story about my sister (I did however improvise the ending). And when it comes to personal stories, their is nothing I'd do to change it, cause what I wrote is what I meant.
    - MadMan -

    Former Administrator's: Yes, We're That Much Better


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  6. #6
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    hrmm, never read anything from you before, but I'm assuming from the other responses that this is not your greatest work. Don't get me wrong, I liked it enough to read it through and leave some feedback, but it felt devoid of content, like you sacrificed it for raw emotion. but that seems to be what you wanted to do, so props on that. I did feel the piece though, having a little sister that I love dearly, I could see myself writing something like this if the situation ever fell in my lap. but anyways, decent piece, probably much more meaningful to you then anyone else, but the emotions were felt. If you could please leave some feedback at this link, I would appreciate it.

    http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=123825

  7. #7
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    Up-A-Lup
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