"A Good Ass Kickin"

[HYPER-ACTYVE]

aigh this is my first open mic, but here it is,

I warn his ass to stay the fuck back,
before I got loose off the chains and snapped,
the bitch proly now wishes he never talked crap,
cause hes now lying half dead inna hospital bed,
none of this would have never happened if instead
he knew better, but the bitch was dumbfounded
by the shit that I pounded,
why such such a stupid motherfucker, try to act hard,
when he knows facing me hes bound to get scared,
face it, the bitch was stupid and knew he had it comin,
runnin, weak and out of breath, hearin his heart hummin,
30 people already wanna kick his fucking ass,
but i wanted to be the first to crack
at the bitch who talked TOO much smack,
I planned to get drunk that night so I wouldnt realize wut I was doin,
I found myself bruisen on his ruins,
after a night a drinken and cruisen,
the bitch talked shit, but could never spit it sick,
but now im the one whose throwen puches that are now landin quick
at his face, at no for certain pace,
not leavin a trace, but leavin him dazed,
i'm crazed, changed into human rage
that is not able to be set on stage,
I cant believe i'm actin like this,
with my hard hitten disses,
that never misses,
but are aimed at ________________ face,
i'm aimed to kill,
not done till i seem him still,

now i'm halfway there,
hes lookin bad now, like a cancer patient loosin his hair,(no diss there)
pail, in the cold, lying almost motionless on the floor,
bored of kicken his fuckin ass,
im just ready to end this shit and make this breath his last,
i'm pulled away,
but glad in a way,
knowing wut could have happened if i stayed crazed,
walked away from something that seems never happened,
he got his bitch slappin, but only from my rappin,
if he does anything else, plan to see scrappin
and these fuckin rap verses meraculously happen.

This is all true in a way the thirty people, the drinken, but not the fight. like i said if he does anything else, then there will be shit happenen. I left a blank there cause im not goin to name the bitches name, but i left it blank so yall can put someones name that yall have a grudge with down there. So there u have it "A Good Ass Kicken".

Read the open mic with punctuations, it may sound better to u.

I wouldnt mind some feedback, peace.

[Maven.]

reply to two other open mics and post links to your replies in this thread, otherwise it gets closed.
thanks.

[HYPER-ACTYVE]

aight thanks

[Key-Low]

hmmmm.......it was ok for a first drop, no hate but kinda elementary, expand on thoughts.........you said tha same shit probably about 30 times, lol, work on rhyme scheme too............throw in sum multis, bed with head is NOT gonna cut it in rap these days, it had emotion....i could give you that, but you also need to work on vocab.........word usage and try to expansion......once again elementary, your bars were also uneven, keep them consistent.........didnt flow that well because of inconsistent bar length...............you have a lot of work to do, but keep droppin........you will elevate, peace, 1

[Mistral]

Closed, Didnt post links.

[Mistral]

1.) http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthr...962#post1251962

2.) http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/sho...980#post1251980

there u go man, thanks

Re-Opened

[HYPER-ACTYVE]

key low, i dont think u red ma shit, u looked at the first 4 lines and proly quit, like i said at the bottom read with punctuations rather than reading it like a rap, aight, thanks