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Thread: Gates Of Dawn (Love Piece)

  1. #1
    .:Fuck You:. Reeco's Avatar
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    Gates Of Dawn (Love Piece)

    If Only For A Week...

    In my mind, a piper dawns and plays her songs to me
    Her tales match mine of woes and loves and thoughts of only thee
    Painful tunes in need of change that greet me every morn
    Yet in the night time angels share and gather words reborn
    Weary now, and spiritless, no peace, none can be found
    Each time I listen for that lilt, a distant calling sound
    It drifts on by, not meant for me, to ease another's fears
    As time, it passes, once again and months turn into years

    Keep reaching high and far and wide from sunrise to its set
    Wanting words to join my heart and sadness to forget
    At gates of dawn, I see her there, the piper with her eyes
    Tearing, as she plays for me her tune of loss and lies
    Gathering strength and moving forth, from desolate must seek
    A place to stay, a place to rest, if only for a week


    A Heavenly Sound ...

    I feel her every movement as she greets me in the morn
    Her rhythms that I lean to hear when shattered and forlorn
    Entice me, make me follow her, this piper and her dreams
    Forever an eternity, been searching, so it seems
    Her flies me to a galaxy where twinkling lights adorn
    Their glowing barely touches me, yet golden I have worn
    Angelic faced I do become, in perfect harmony
    When e're the piper's spirits fly, I rise, in memory
    And float the heavens in my mind, the wars have all been won
    Without a care, defeat is naught, am aiming for the sun
    The shine and warmth in need of now, to soothe the scars to heal
    Tomorrow brings the best to come, and with it love, I feel

    And when the dawn appears this next, I'll stand upon this ground
    Look up to see the angels fly, full of this heav'nly sound


    The Piper's Wish...

    The power of each night reserved with dreams, tomorrow's reels
    Allows the rise of words to lips, in thoughts of tender feels
    When moments reach the piper's draw, each pull "Come closer, near"
    She greets me in the dawning love, erasing all the fear
    I hear her tunes so deftly played, soft sounds in which to sink
    Submerged am I, in fill of loss, the thirst of need to drink
    Though reign of rain is seasoned now to cloak me in its hold
    It 'tis the look from oceaned eyes caressing hurts of old

    Pretence the past, forlorn of once, this heart begins its play
    Joining in the piper's wish, her tunes light hearted say
    The full of moon, last evening's view brought hopes and dreams to rise
    Shadows flickered "whispered touch" to night sleep hypnotise
    Wrapping in its golden warmth, before the wane of time
    The piper at the gates of dawn, awaits each morning rhyme.


    Not really sure if this should of been in poetry. When i wrote it. i did it for open mic but the more i read it back, my poetic side had mirrord it!! ohh well!! What you think anyway?

    Links = http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=114654
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...hlight=freeman
    Last edited by Reeco; March 10th, 2004 at 05:37 AM
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  2. #2
    Brix! Trahedy Siphon's Avatar
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    quite deep this piece..vovab was good and some lines were heart felt..
    good stuff, and a slighly different view u have taken compared to usual
    stuff...only criticsim is u being welsh..lol..check out mine and Brix's
    Peasantry:Old School Pervert Remix..Just below this...
    Boom tick its Brix!

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  3. #3
    Brix! Trahedy Siphon's Avatar
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    here's the link...ta
    Boom tick its Brix!

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  4. #4
    Brix! Trahedy Siphon's Avatar
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    Boom tick its Brix!

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  5. #5
    .:Fuck You:. Reeco's Avatar
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    thanks uppin.......................................
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  6. #6
    That Shit Cray Chris Black's Avatar
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    When i saw "(love peice)" in the topic, i thought: God, not another love piece. I was pleasantly surprised though. Nice feeling in this piece, and a different twist on this topic kept it fresh. I do think the story could have been told in less words, but overall, this was a decent drop. Keep up the good work

    Please drop feedback here:
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...17#post1246817


    Ps. Why'd you and everyone leave Voice, during my vacation!? (I'm wicked)
    Hence Forward
    axis powers

  7. #7
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    You need to get 2 links of replies you left and post them here or this gets closed, Thanks.

    And nice piece by the way...I like reading the love pieces, I guess its just because Im a emotional guy lol who knows haha.

  8. #8
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    This was more poetry like i think, but i liked it none the less. Good flow and structure for your verse, only thing i guess you could get better on is vocab? But knowing the words u use are better then throwing in big shits just for nothing. so i got no problem with anything you did here so i'll say


    LEBRON ALMOST GOT INTO HIS FIRST FIGHT IN ATL.

  9. #9
    .:Fuck You:. Reeco's Avatar
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    thanks,uppin..................and i'm doin the links now!!!!
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  10. #10
    .:Fuck You:. Reeco's Avatar
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    comw on uppin :-) need some more feed back!! pref from a vet!!!
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  11. #11
    .:Fuck You:. Reeco's Avatar
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    ..................^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
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  12. #12
    \(^-^)/ Freeman's Avatar
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    Ready. Lets go..

    Flow was decent enough..
    Structure was iight..
    Was more poetic than anything..
    Wasnt bad..
    Erm..
    Vocabulary.. Dont use too longer words.. Just..

    A - Makes it look like you use an online dictionary/thesaurus..
    B - Spoils the OM as it looks like your just throwing words in that are long and rhyme..

    Fix that..

    Decent drop though..

    Keep at it..

    Pz..

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  13. #13
    .:Fuck You:. Reeco's Avatar
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    uppin.......................................
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  14. #14
    BEST topical writer... Endeva.'s Avatar
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    first off freeman, what are you talking about with the vocab shit... i think it needed more... also i thought the scheme lacked in places and a couple of rhymes seemed a bit forced.... you got some feeling into it ho, but overall, i thought it was missing sumthin.... jus the feel of it..... but not bad..... work on it... ive read better from you.....
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