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Thread: Sleep...

  1. #1
    ...practice makes poetry
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    Sleep...

    Intro
    not quite quiet in the calm of night
    in the dimming light I lost my appetite,
    no longer have fight to quell the demons
    know stronger sermons with no reasons


    Thus I have begun to weave rhymes spun to my destruction,
    A must construction to leave lines and hope for no obstruction.
    Caution is verified by previous works I bear in mind,
    Lost in sea of flow until i do not know, "where am I?"
    scrutinize and no replies, all I want is one response,
    for those wants nothing more than something once.
    But, bold faced taunts assume to have me instigate
    The anger haunts a room without a space to appreciate,
    cold and lonely where a restless mattress lies listless,
    a one and only whispered verse so hapless and with this
    my besotted spirit is drowned in these forgotten lyrics
    high a stratospheric angel crowned with knot to steer it,
    tie and walk the line at the same time with seraphim twine,
    die to defy and then admit you're not aware of my time,
    spent and which parts of this poet have been lent,
    so I named it sleep, but, sleep on this is not what i meant...
    Hence Forward

  2. #2
    vane
    Guest
    lol, like the last line.... anyway, nice multis and vocab- yeah makes a nice piece... didnt really get it on the first read, but i read over and you stayed on topic well, for this concept aswell, about 2 lines which didnt seem to fit in... blah, overall it was a very nice drop... stay up loke

  3. #3
    That Shit Cray Chris Black's Avatar
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    This was hot. Best drop i've read today(out of five) the rhymescheme was ill exept the "destruction"/"obstruction" lines. The topic was gool. The emotion was nice. It was and easy and enjoyable read. Worth the time. Keep up the good work.

    Please drop feedback here:
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...=117801&page=1
    Hence Forward
    axis powers

  4. #4

  5. #5
    YoungBobby
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    I liked it, you mixed in poetic devices and that was cold blooded

  6. #6
    Nephil SMZ's Avatar
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    Good work - personally I feel that this topic is overkilled though. you did alright with it nontheless. I thought first two lines scheme was nice just didn't fit with the rest of the piece. good vocab use and this right here makes it legendary:
    tie and walk the line at the same time with seraphim twine, - lol
    Keep writing - peace.

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  7. #7
    ...practice makes poetry
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    Thanks for all the replies... and I think the topic is a little overkill but I think this is a fresher approach then ... angry ranting about how much im underated...
    Hence Forward

  8. #8
    Nephil SMZ's Avatar
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    "this is a fresher approach then ... angry ranting about how much im underated..."

    I think you just got confused a bit... this is your thread - see the title at the top... yeah, it's not mine - so if you want to give me feedback on my piece why don't you wait until you're in my thread?

    Now I was starting to think you were one of the more interesting textcees on here - please don't start jumping on my nuts.

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    Hence Forward

  9. #9
    Rock you in the Face Sir Skiddz SoPhrenic's Avatar
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    Pretty nice piece, nice internals, nice rhyme scheme on a whole, and a decent little piece, that didn't lose my interest. Very nice drop.
    Hence Forward.. BURR!
    [YOUTUBE]seYxVBIsycE[/YOUTUBE]
    Just watch My Back, I got the front.

  10. #10
    ...practice makes poetry
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    Quote Originally Posted by SMZ
    "this is a fresher approach then ... angry ranting about how much im underated..."

    I think you just got confused a bit... this is your thread - see the title at the top... yeah, it's not mine - so if you want to give me feedback on my piece why don't you wait until you're in my thread?

    Now I was starting to think you were one of the more interesting textcees on here - please don't start jumping on my nuts.
    ^^what are you talking about? I wasn't referring to you... I was referring to the endless stream of noobs who post some huge "RB Diss" after they realize they are gonna get slept on until they gain some cred 'round here...

    I haven't seen you're stuff and im not giving you any feedback... I am not sure where you got that idea...
    Hence Forward

  11. #11
    Nephil SMZ's Avatar
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    Apologies - sorry for getting pissy with you. My collab with ELEETE could be summed up as "angry ranting" so I thought you were refering to that - once again sorry

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  12. #12
    ...practice makes poetry
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    I appreciate the apology... once you get to know me ... you'll see i don't post beef or hate... i only try to elevate...:P
    Hence Forward

  13. #13
    Banned Penskills's Avatar
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    Hi Mag...You are progressing to be a dope writer..Every time I read someting new from you..I become more and more impressed with your work...You have a great writers voice...Which is a rare to find on this site...This piece was very well written..You have great depth in your pieces...Keep up the good work...
    Thank You for the support you have shown me through my hard times...

  14. #14
    ...practice makes poetry
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    it feels ironic upping this... but there it is...
    Hence Forward

  15. #15
    You've Earned a Custom Title!
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    good piece.structure and flow was okay. good vocab.i really like dis piece one of the best i've read today

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