In the Shoes of a Cripple

[Mr.W.Rong]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...41#post1236241
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=117398
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=114030

In the Shoes of a Cripple
Harsh but True

Its a bitter ointment, as I see your deployment of enjoyment,
Letting out humour thats meant..but leaving others hellbent.
Stuck to this chair like cement, enfuelled w/ nothing but Evny,
Mind states a frenzy of overcasting colours that just dent me.
So let them be..my thoughts tell heart but it tares them apart,
The disfunction you call life but I captulate as an art.
Tried to explain in a single bar, how hard it is to feel or describe,
The lonliness of the night & this helpless disease I can't hide.
But just sustain and try, get on w/ the half empty soul I have,
Wishing that time/years would pass..let me go in a single gasp.
I can't remembered the last time I laughed or even smiled,
Must have been a long time as I haven't felt it in a while.
Or the last time I walked a mile? My old nike's still on the stairs,
No life in them but just bare..as if they had never been there.
Walked a step anywhere..pulpitations of that long forgotten walk,
Where I once could stroll forever & have no desire to talk.
As the birds Squalked above me, the tranqulity smothered Thou,
If there was a way to rip it back..could someone teach me how?
See I'd do anything now, to get splinters in my feet..athletes foot,
Its impatience that gives a fuck, the urge to finally kick dead wood.
A cripple would if he could..but I'm destined to stay Imobile,
To burn in my resentment at the thought of being covered in bile.
B/cause my own existance makes me sick..no body & mind click,
Even Houdini wouldnt provide me with the ultimate walking trick.
So as you read this Diary...let me convince you to be adulterated,
Make sure nothing can be rated, nor hated..last but no least debated.
Ill fated..take it day by day to take risks and discover the Planet,
Theres worlds and dreams to be taken..& its true you can have it.
So god damn it..get off your fucking asses, grab it w/ both hands,
Or end up a sad cripple hating himself for being remanded in Demand.

Take it as you will

[Judge Judy]

7 views. C'mon uppin

[Judge Judy]

uppin

[Evolve]

Wasn't bad brix. The only thing i wasnt feeling was the rhyme scheme. It was way to simple. Other than that, it was decent

[Judge Judy]

Cheers. what du mean as in Rhyme scheme? Coz i wanna improve in every way I can.

[Chris Black]

This was cool. I like the topic. I've never seen one like this before, which is a plus. The story telling is aight. This was really just a little above the average around here. I agree with evolve on the rhyming, but besides that, this was a decent read.

"See I'd do anything now, to get splinters in my feet..athletes foot,"-My fav line

Keep doion' it.

Please drop feed here:
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?t=117801

[Baron Mynd]

^ With rhymescheme he means the stuff like this ..

Its a bitter ointment, as I see your deployment of [/b]enjoyment[/b],

it doesnt switch up, which - when continued like it was there, actually takes away from a piece because its basicly the same two sounding syllables rhyming each time - be them internals or not, the parts in this like that were pretty simple, and that made it awkward sounding when being read. Then in the following line, you use a seperate rhyming word - which goes well in audio, but it doesnt translate well to text. The story itself wasnt that bad, the similie of the chair / concrete was a BIG no-no though - that didnt come off well IMO. Rest was alright, writers voice could be improved to build up the character depth and setting before the piece to gradually build up into the story rather than just going straight into it. Transitions were okay in this, moved things along at a steady pace - held the attention.

That font was god awful though man. :^)

[Judge Judy]

haha Lol..I tried finding a good Font but couldnt find shit.
Thanx for the feedbk. I'll take all the shit on board pz

[Baron Mynd]

Tahoma is the one i use .. ;^)

[Judge Judy]

Cheers. Yours does look very clear etc. Thanks for yet more tips lol
Next I'll be copying ya rhymes. Oh yeah. What happened to Potent?
Was you him all along?

[vane]

damn, creative... and you captured the emotion.... a few quotables, i seen alot of good lines, good vocab
So let them be..my thoughts tell heart but it tares them apart,
The disfunction you call life but I captulate as an art.
thats nice emotion
blah, cant find it... also the nike line, and like they shouldnt of been there... very nice
nice concept and an altogether good piece... nice emotion, stay up loke

[Judge Judy]

Thanx.

[Maven.]

this was interesting. not really an original topic, but it was an original take on a topic. You didn't end it with "feel sorry for me, I'm crippled" you ended it with "enjoy what you have while you can". good job.

It was hard for me to catch the flow of this at parts....some of the words seemed put in there for no reason, or just to have another rhyme in the line. You bars were a little long, I thought, but it might just have been the way I read them. Your content was pretty good, but you could have given us more background to the story. How did he get crippled? Was he born this way? what's wrong with him...is it just that his legs don't work or that he has cerebral palsy or something like that?
Try to elaborate on ideas and cut down on the amount of words you use to say them. Simplicity is great when it's done well.
Good piece, brix.

[Judge Judy]

Thanx. & thanx for the advice
pz