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Thread: SS:Bad To Worse

  1. March 1st, 2004, 03:10 AM #1
    Throwaway123
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    SS:Bad To Worse

    He left me last night, without saying goodbye..
    He didn’t even console me when I began to cry..
    I looked for support, yet it was nowhere to be seen..
    Not even an I’m sorry, yet we were together since 14..
    I mean last week we were so happy together..
    We said forever, yet it soon became never..
    I don’t know if I will ever see him again..
    Why did you not think about how I felt? Ben..
    Always thinking about yourself, didn’t I matter..
    Or did you care if my heart began to shatter..
    Why did you do this to me, what did I ever do..
    If I knew I would of changed, just for you..
    ………………………….
    I started to cry as I watched you from a distance..
    I moved closer, yet I felt a certain resistance..
    Tears rolled down my eyes, I could no longer take it..
    I took a deep breath, and told myself I could make it..
    I held your coat, your ring and this poem tight..
    I handed it to you, hoping that you just might..
    Get that look in your eyes and come back to me..
    So I lingered in the moment, to wait and see..
    No response, so I just turned away and cried..
    Promised myself I wouldn’t look back, but I lied..
    As I looked back they closed the coffin, with you inside..
    Artificial Intelligence
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  2. March 1st, 2004, 03:11 AM #2
    Throwaway123
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    Replied to:
    ...Flowerd By Mentill
    Cyper By Mentill And Whitelightning
    Artificial Intelligence
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  3. March 1st, 2004, 03:16 AM #3
    Masahiko.
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    emotional.. this is a very great piece.. im so glad it was short and to the point.. instead of long and umm wtf u know but u did a great job real emotions flowing throughout the whole entire piece

    pleez hit up my open mic in my sig..
    The Legion

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    HoF x5
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  4. March 1st, 2004, 03:21 AM #4
    Savir
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    dope...

    i like the emotion...the story...
    this kinda shit is tight..with great feeling and imagery..
    very well worded...no overuse of vocab..no underuse...
    not that i really care...just for sake of critique..
    nothin really bad to say bou tthis piece...pretty
    dope drop..peep second in sig....
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  5. March 1st, 2004, 08:55 AM #5
    Penskills
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    Wack!
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  6. March 1st, 2004, 10:56 AM #6
    SMZ
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    Very nice piece. Great imagery and nice surprise there at the end. Like said above short and to the point but it didn't feel too short - nice work. I guess I would have liked to see a little more complex scheme but the word choice was so good that didn't detract much. Really liked:

    Why did you do this to me, what did I ever do..
    If I knew I would of changed, just for you
    and

    I held your coat, your ring and this poem tight..
    I handed it to you, hoping that you just might
    and and

    Promised myself I wouldn’t look back, but I lied..
    As I looked back they closed the coffin, with you inside

    Nice piece - hit my Lamentations if you get a chance.

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    I'm dead.


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    Hence Forward
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  7. March 2nd, 2004, 01:17 AM #7
    Throwaway123
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    uppin this for more peeps
    Artificial Intelligence
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  8. March 2nd, 2004, 01:26 AM #8
    Savir
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    thanks for peepin my open mic
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