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Thread: Broken fruit

  1. January 13th, 2004, 10:16 PM #1
    bribeone
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    Broken fruit

    Broken Fruit





    It's times like these that the pit of my stomach turns
    growing full of spines, sprouting pain that just burns
    I yearn to understand the rottin fruit of this selflesness
    out to flunk me, and end killing me in this relentless test
    awed at the spectacle of a grown mans broken sentiments
    scopin tense moments of denial just hoping up against a fence
    cheaters way out -showered my thoughts but I'm no coward
    Ill clutch the stem until my hands bleed and then eat the flower
    slowly release rage through words on a tear soaken paper
    and blind the guide who took the broken path he called safer
    so I stand here now looking up, broken but stronger
    and release a silent scream at love saying my hope is no longer









    make of it what u would like.
    Bribeone
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  2. January 13th, 2004, 10:38 PM #2
    SaM sKILLeT
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    this is nice... very cool. Very good imagery.
    cheaters way out -showered my thoughts but I'm no coward
    Ill clutch the stem until my hands bleed and then eat the flower
    ^^ Liked this line

    It flows well, good rhymes & all. Very vague, though. Can't really tell exactly it's about, like it's only scratching the surface. But I sense the inner torment and bleak outlook in it.

    Overall, I like verses like this, and I liked this one.
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  3. January 13th, 2004, 10:48 PM #3
    Edicius
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    Yea ..this was nice, short & to the point, .. good vocab, & rhymesheme..nice resamblings to the fruit..very original..flowed good, .. only thing i didnt like that it was short ... but eh good job .. = )

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  4. January 13th, 2004, 11:27 PM #4
    Sureal
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    one of the best peices ive seen from you, good flow, didnt fall off anywhere that i could see, good imagery, good shit man, i like it, i like it alot.
    .WP.
    .. It' Still Perfect..
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  5. January 14th, 2004, 12:02 AM #5
    The Realist
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    GOD DAMN...that was pretty deep there guy.. the imagry was easily done greatly here... the vocab level was high, and not overdone..flowed well...only noticible flaw would be the lenght...i felt that had you added 6-10 more lines you could have explained better...good none the less

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  6. January 14th, 2004, 12:12 AM #6
    young mike
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    ayo that shit was hot as fuck yo know yo keep it up son

    Dont reply ne more, ..with a bullshit one reply line..do it again & ur banned
    -Edicius
    Last edited by Edicius; January 14th, 2004 at 12:29 AM
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  7. January 14th, 2004, 02:10 AM #7
    Emerge
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    vocab was precise and on point
    flow was generally hard and nice
    concept very creative

    this piece was nice and well thought out i liked it alot....

    drop feed on "untangible evil"

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    New Writejist Song - Tito Ortiz

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  8. January 14th, 2004, 11:19 AM #8
    bribeone
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    Uppin, thank u those who took their time to peep.
    Bribeone
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  9. January 14th, 2004, 12:43 PM #9
    Nahlidge
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    I was really feelin' the piece Largo ... Creative ... Very ... Content was deep ... Piece was short but still had enuff to make it dope ... Imagery was dopie in this piece ... Gotta say one of the dopest drops I have seen from U also ...

    slowly release rage through words on a tear soaken paper
    and blind the guide who took the broken path he called safer
    so I stand here now looking up, broken but stronger
    and release a silent scream at love saying my hope is no longer

    That was the standout part of the verse in my opinion ... I was lovin' those lines ... Keep it up ... Stay writin' man ... Good job here ... Peace

    A.i

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  10. January 14th, 2004, 12:55 PM #10
    Lethargic
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    Nice piece...seriously. Definitely deep. I could find one or two spots where the flow fell off just a bit. Other than that, beautiful. As some others said, wish it were a longer piece. Nonetheless, very nice.

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  11. January 14th, 2004, 01:48 PM #11
    Penskills
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    short and sweet~~~~
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  12. January 14th, 2004, 08:10 PM #12
    bribeone
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    thank u for the feedback fellas ^ ^ better lengthen those replys
    or your gonna get in trouble..
    Bribeone
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  13. January 24th, 2004, 11:05 AM #13
    pot1ent
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    This was very deep, the wording really stepped this up a level, the vocab was suited for this piece but could of done with upping to take it that next stage higher so there was multis to help the flow, but i know your mcing skills are really damn good, so i think this would make avery nice short audio, the emotion really gave the reader a sense of participating in the event, well done!! try and give me more next time, its nice to read, and keep writing.
    Pot` Ed.

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    And this faggot got Butterflies in his stomach the size of Mothra

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    One fist to your eye'll make it go through that black album remix phase. - Saviour Arraign

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  14. January 24th, 2004, 11:10 AM #14
    Tommy the 45
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    short, nice flow, consistent on topic and good metaphor's

    I yearn to understand the rottin fruit of this selflesness
    Nice
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  15. February 10th, 2004, 06:33 PM #15
    Freeman
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    Short piece... Dope...

    Good consistent flow... Structure was... Ya know... Normal...
    Vocabulary was pretty decent for such a short verse...

    You managed to say what you felt in a short space... Thats good...

    Quotable...

    slowly release rage through words on a tear soaken paper

    That^, my friend... Was dope...

    Keep dropping...

    Pz...

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