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Thread: Inspiring to...

  1. #1
    I'm Roman Catholic Lord Sarcasm's Avatar
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    Inspiring to...

    (~Was originally meant as a topical battle tryout to get in SF...but I liked it so i'm posting it here...)
    Topic-Inspiring to...

    I try and Softly Focus on the subject, but it remains aloof,
    These aspirations, are what they are, not my lively truth,
    Because I am stuck on what I'm not doing, without proof,
    So I can't complain, as these stories tell of all the same,
    Read these with sorrow, you may feel all my hearts pain,

    Jake's Story

    He was the undoubted, target of uncivilized bullies,
    He hadn't an idea of what was wrong with him fully,
    Why had God paid him this devious anguished price,
    'Causing Jake enough greivence to kill himself twice,
    Neither time's worked, neither time killed him at all,
    Until it fully reached him, stumbling upon it, Mid-Fall,
    He wouldn't kill himself, he'd killed those he dis-liked,
    He was inspired to kill, Frank, Dwight, and Big Mike,

    Frank's Story

    Frank, was a product of the eviroment he grew up in,
    Verbal assaults, beatings, and disregard for women,
    That's including his mother, for her, no one caredless,
    The beatings she had taken increased Frank's stress,
    So that's when he would releive himself, bullying jake,
    Acting hard on the outside, though in he would break,
    So he inspired to, act as though he wasn't a real fake,

    Dwight's Story

    Inappropriate touching's,...misleading as he was young,
    He was confused as to what it had made him, he'd sung,
    The man, who cause him all this grief, died bein' old man,
    He had nothing to vent with, Jake was his life's program,
    As he gave him viscious beating's he pictured, the fingers,
    Up and down, the horrible thoughts in his head still linger,
    He was touched, he was fucked, as only a young minor,
    So he inspired to take back, what threw him in the wire,

    Big Mike's Story

    Gangbanging seemed as an everyday event for Big Mike,
    I really meant in the sense of gangs and gay's just alike,
    You see, at the age of 15, 2 big events for him took place,
    Shot a man to get in the Bloods, and caught a case of drips,
    In the long run, the Bloods wasn't as important as his lips,
    He kissed many dicks, As much as he hated gangs like Crips,
    Angry with himself, he would beat on poor little Jakey boy,
    Not knowing the consequences, of this years hating toy,
    So Big Mike, inspired, to beat good old Jakey... senslessly
    To take away from everyone finding out that he has ...HIV

    Concluding Jake..

    Yes he would kill them, that was his main lifes thrill,
    It raced through his mind like Columbine, kill, kill, kill,
    Hense, he knows he couldn't ever go through reality,
    So he kills himself, not his 3 inspiring personalilities...
    Last edited by Lord Sarcasm; January 10th, 2004 at 03:29 PM
    WordPerfect

  2. #2
    BRB, Jumping Ship Baron Mynd's Avatar
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    Lol at stealing my centering steez ..

    .. the story was decent, you should ditch the whole perfectly-even lines thing though, yes, i used to write like that .. but after a while you'll realise thats actually holding your content back. That's what happened here i felt, you had a good concept / idea on where you wanted to take this .. but some of lines were worded awkwardly to try and fit them together perfectly .. also, a main problem with this was the basic rhyming, dont rhyme just the end words. Internals and multi's are important to open mic pieces, otherwise its just a lot of one syllable rhyming and that brings the content down in my opinion. The flow was decent in some parts, choppy in others .. again, that was down to the bar lengths god damn you! i liked the whole personality thing though, it wasnt a bad verse. signs of potential there but you really need to step it up on the multi's side of things.

    respond to mine you glutton!
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...hreadid=105272

    WORD P e r f e c t !


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  3. #3
    I'm Roman Catholic Lord Sarcasm's Avatar
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    coo^^^ thank you....lol that is kinda true about the whole boxing up things, it does hold you back from more of what you want to put...
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  4. #4
    Rock you in the Face Sir Skiddz SoPhrenic's Avatar
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    Nice piece...The perfect legth did water down on how you could have worked the wording a bit. It was nice to touch upon the personalitie's demented pasts. Pretty dope, I don't focus on multies as much, but you could have used a bit more. You had decent vocabulary just awkward points in which your content suffered for bar structure..Dope.
    Hence Forward.. BURR!
    [YOUTUBE]seYxVBIsycE[/YOUTUBE]
    Just watch My Back, I got the front.

  5. #5
    I'm Roman Catholic Lord Sarcasm's Avatar
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    coo! i like having feedback...makes you feel special..even when I have to ask someone for it....
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  6. #6
    I'm Roman Catholic Lord Sarcasm's Avatar
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    people...please don't sleep on this....I put time into it...which is rare....
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  7. #7
    I'm Roman Catholic Lord Sarcasm's Avatar
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    people..plz dont sleep....
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  8. #8
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    ok....

    good peice....but like everyone said some of ya lines got held back cuz of the pefect length shit

    good peice though...i was feelin it..

    but again ditch the pefect length stuff

    overall good piece...alot of multis...dont need that much, pretty good vocab

    now u got more feedback






















































    ...even though u had to ask me for it..

  9. #9
    GeNiuS
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    'Causing Jake enough greivence to kill himself twice
    ...

    damn thats deep..imagery is great in jake's story man...

    So he inspired to, act as though he wasn't a real fake,

    nice line here but flow was off during second piece an it suffered for it...

    As he gave him viscious beating's he pictured, the fingers,
    Up and down, the horrible thoughts in his head still linger,
    He was touched, he was fucked, as only a young minor,
    So he inspired to take back, what threw him in the wire,

    heh...that was some sick shit....nicely done made me think...made me think a little too much actually...an it was nice thoughts lol..ill

    Hense, he knows he couldn't ever go through reality,
    So he kills himself, not his 3 inspiring personalilities...

    nice ending but shouldnt have made mic gay...how can he be a battyboy blood lol..jus wouldnt happen...

    overall this suffered from its lack of multi's still an interesting piece tho...


    drop some feedback on my piece...thanks


    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...hreadid=105566

  10. #10
    I'm Roman Catholic Lord Sarcasm's Avatar
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    lol.....I relate all of my stories around people and events that happen..lol..thanks to both...
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  11. #11
    Wr!te Mind
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    That shit is twisted........

    Really....

    I can't really add much more to what the cats above you said..

    Not too many multi's, the box was gay, and the flow was defenitley off in some parts

    i found my self having to read lines two or three times to get it back

    Good concept though, I was really feeling the story

    Drop some feedback on Star Track

  12. #12
    GeNiuS
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    Star lol..you gave feedback on his 1st

    :angry:

    naa but please drop some on my open mic..its alot shorter than yours an i did drop indepth feedback on that long shit...

  13. #13
    Still in the grave Johnny 6-feet's Avatar
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    great concept, and style of writing in here, good imagery and vocabulary, a good showing of karma and the 2 sides to every story, well worth the read. is there gonna be a part 2?

    keep posting.

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  14. #14
    I'm Roman Catholic Lord Sarcasm's Avatar
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    ^^^alrite..ill get around to it don't worry...
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  15. #15
    I'm Roman Catholic Lord Sarcasm's Avatar
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    ^^^thats directed to johnny and genuis....
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