Death,of a sort..

[f-gee]

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...13#post1051713

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...54#post1051754

http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...07#post1051807

.


Words have left the page, letters without envelopes
Ink tears stain my face expressing what the sender wrote
The ink well's dried up and with it my expression
And as I walk past I kick the full bucket of depression
Start of a recession into an introverted dreary mind
The cogs of thought bereft of liquid scribes and grind
To a halt ,sign impatiently waiting for a fountain of fluid
But the floods have run another course Biros druids drew it
I'm in a parched pit where the ghouls that haunt the hour glass cant shift
So I dig with weakened wrist deep within myself..
A ball point of stealth
But its tip is no spade and the earth is in fact flesh
It merely jabs at a sorrowful sheet of white with an ink proof vest
Perhaps I lost respect and a perspective of my inner thoughts
I forgot that paper and pen merge willingly, they need not be taught
So I reach in a drawer and meddle with a new sword
I snap the plastic case of the old and let the new run its course..

…all over clean sheets

you can lead a clenched fist gripped by a pen to paper
but unless it is willing…the scribbled speech becomes forced labour

[Edicius]

Dope

Good immagery nice use of vocab, flowed well, u stayed on point, really enjoyed this read, to bad its being slept on

Up^

[Essen]

Words have left the page, letters without envelopes
Ink tears stain my face expressing what the sender wrote
^solid opener, second line was really deep, feelin it

The ink well's dried up and with it my expression
And as I walk past I kick the full bucket of depression
^ I would only use the suffix "sion" when it is very deap, and it was, but I would have put the second line first n the frist line second to express it more

Start of a recession into an introverted dreary mind
The cogs of thought bereft of liquid scribes and grind
^ nice flow to this and exceptional vocab, very deep

To a halt ,sign impatiently waiting for a fountain of fluid
But the floods have run another course Biros druids drew it
^Didn't get it at first, but it is nice, flow was a bit off compared to other lines, but nice


The rest was really your strength in this piece. I lost the flow a little bit in the "ballpoint of stealth" line, but other than that it was really deep n a lot of complexity. The only thing bad I would say is to use more multis w/ the vocab, it would be even deeper. But really go0d drop.

And there ya go....

[Wr!te Mind]

fgee... I love you.....

You always amaze me when you drop shit like this...

Vocab was good
strucrure was perfect

best of all the concept and the content, I can say I will never write a peice this good. Nice shit.......

Hit me up

[ILLunatic]

Dope shit fgee...
Props to ya...
Good imagery
Nice flow...
Structure a lil choppy
But still....Dope peice
Rated....28/20

Hit me up.. we should collab sometime

MSN: ILLunatic1@hotmail.com
AIM: ILLunatic1

[f-gee]

up

[Penskills]

..First time reading your piece..very impressed..this was an excellent piece..your vocab was good..flow was also nice..content was excellent...nice work..

[Bruklor]

That's awesome. Truly, wow.

Do audio, fucker! I'd listen to this.

This was awesome none the less. Just sheer brilliance. It's opposite for me, my pens always move but I just never write anything. It's just fucking lines and doodles.

[Nahlidge]

This was a pretty dope piece fgee ... I was feelin' it from start to finish ... Imagery was dope ... The meanings within' your lines were dope ... Content was nice ... Flow was a lil' choppy at one point ... But was still easy to follow ... I liked the rhyme scheme U used ... Dope piece overall

The ink well's dried up and with it my expression
And as I walk past I kick the full bucket of depression

Perhaps I lost respect and a perspective of my inner thoughts
I forgot that paper and pen merge willingly, they need not be taught

Those lines hit me the most while readin' this piece ... They were dope ... A lot of meanin' in them ... Especially the first two I quoted I loved those lines ... Keep doin' ur thing man ... This was a dope drop keep em comin' ... Peace

[Endeva.]

first thing .. liked the imagery, likes been said... nicely executed, flow mostly decent.. n the content was good,, well constructed... a good verse....pZ....

[~King~cruncH~]

damn that was good it flowed well, and it was constucted well also .....................................

[Koalatee]

Normally, I'd frown on a few instances of word choice, because it seems that it is epidemically-horrid in most instances. However, a British, dare I say, moniker shone lusterfully throughout this particular piece. Also, although it was a bit metaphor-heavy, your references were all classy enough & worded correctly to continue & build upon their respective ideas. You've become privy to critique: applause is in order - &, well, here is what I would change . .

Just one thing: Complexity in subjects / topics. To squander such grammatical excellence on a round-of-the-mill ('til the last two lines) piece is deplorable. I've seen this topic done over & over; despite the original spin that you put on it, you could've done better, I'm sure.

My favourite lines:

To a halt ,sign impatiently waiting for a fountain of fluid
But the floods have run another course Biros druids drew it

This here, was an impressive line, along w/ your closing.

All in all, this would score in the ninetieth percentile of Open Mic pieces @ Rapbattles. Keep writing, & contact me for a potential collaboration.

Peace, Quality

[f-gee]

thanks for all the feedback

[Illus']

Ok check it...

"The ink well's dried up and with it my expression
And as I walk past I kick the full bucket of depression"

^ This line right here nicley done...nice word ussage....Kick the full bucket of depression...Nice...

"I'm in a parched pit where the ghouls that haunt the hour glass cant shift
So I dig with weakened wrist deep within myself.."

When I read this line I had an image of you actually doing this...which is a plus Nice....

"I forgot that paper and pen merge willingly, they need not be taught
So I reach in a drawer and meddle with a new sword
I snap the plastic case of the old and let the new run its cours"

Sick line reminds me when I draw....Yo fam excellent peace..and I rarely say a peace is excellent...

Flow wise on point expression wise on point...Great job diffenitly enjoyable...

Im like looking at others because Im droppin something soon you know the rule 3 links.....so I usually don't like readin others but you made my day by scriptin deep ish...


Laters...

[BLuNT]

wow penskills got a hot girl, an' Koalatee pretty hot herself... lol... as for the drop...

hard to follow flow, i didn't understand half the words u used so it slowed me up a bit, shut up, i'm stupid an' i know it... but some the multi's an' wordplay/use/imagery was off the hook, good concept as well... holla at my shit...1