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Thread: Lose Change

  1. #1
    undone Bruklor's Avatar
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    Lose Change

    Lose Change

    A Cellar Phone in the hand of a man with hollow bones
    Rays penetrating his halo’s hole while the screen goes to “roam”
    Not quite his wish, its just his ignoring of the warning
    His ego remains floored while signals to his head are soaring
    The bag boy asks “Paper or plastic for your two cans sir?”
    Returning a smile and giving a “Its ok” wave for his answer
    Outside the store sat a man, holding a ragged hat in his hands
    His face held dirt for days, sand stuck into every gland
    He dug into his pocket grabbing a couple dollars, about four
    After hearing “Thank you!” he turned around and gave two more


    Her life contained inside some leather sown neatly together
    Her tools to make it look like she’s not under the weather
    The address book full of people she’ll probably never call
    A can of pepper spray if her back’s ever against the wall
    The phone she bought to be used “only for emergencies”
    But clocks two hundred hours monthly on her gossip certainty
    Her wallet, holding the pictures of loved ones and some I.D.
    Sixty dollars in twenties, close to ten in coins, and plastic money
    And when she got bumped and the contents of her life went flying
    It's no surprise why she started crying and felt like dying
    But in the end it was a good deed that went unnoticed
    Cause later that day a starving child found 5 bucks and wrote this;

    “It's nice to find lost loose change”
    m
    ˈpɛr ˈse


    –noun

    by, of, for, or in itself; intrinsically.

  2. #2
    You've Earned a Custom Title! alias's Avatar
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    the words used are pretty simple, but the structure you have put the word in, makes the piece pretty special. This piece was like one of the poems i had to do in my GCSE exam, i tried to take the open mic exam, but they dont have that???? dicks???
    its an open mic, but its quite poetic!!

    there is nothin that is bad about the piece apart from the fact i didnt write it!!! but it is flawless, to my herbish knowledge!!

    if only your computer liked you, an you could do audio on their, you would probabaly get heard of in your local canadian club!!!!


    an ill pice, awesome immagery!!!
    you have a lot of talent!!

    peace
    An assumed name: The swindler worked under various aliases.



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  3. #3
    is Power Nahlidge's Avatar
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    Nice drop Bruk ... GOod to see U back into writin' ... I was definitely feelin' the meanin' on this piece man ... Both stanzas were nice ... Imagery was dope ... Rhyme scheme was nice ... Flow was good and easy to follow ... The ender was dope man ... I was lovin' it ... Besides that ...

    The bag boy asks “Paper or plastic for your two cans sir?”
    Returning a smile and giving a “Its ok” wave for his answer

    The phone she bought to be used “only for emergencies”
    But clocks two hundred hours monthly on her gossip certainty

    Those lines there were among my fav's in this piece also ... Keep writin' ur stuff man ... Only good things'll come ... Peace

    A.i

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    *Click one of ^those to check out my music and shit

  4. #4
    beyond dope.
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    Brukkie = )

    Very very nice ..finisher really touched me..
    Nice story telling bruv, ik knew u still had it = )
    really enjoyed reading this..

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    - Artificial Intelligence

  5. #5
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    Nice job bruk, really it was... nice connection of the two stories..im a busy man & dont have time for good feedback right now...itll come tho... be patient, once u beat that doom guy i'll give a page of feedback...

  6. #6
    I found a prefix!!!! f-gee's Avatar
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    dope
    i liked how you described the whole scene and created a verse out of such a simple topic
    the ending of the second verse really capped off a dope piece of writing
    flow was really good as was imagery
    no complaints
    props
    You need Ghost Dog in your DVD collection


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    it's a bold statement - the new youtube

  7. #7
    I'm Roman Catholic Lord Sarcasm's Avatar
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    Hey Bruk...for an asshole you'e still a good open mic head
    nice drop all around...
    liked the vocab ,
    good usage of it though a little shabby at times...
    It's a good story you tolled..and you tolled it well..
    WordPerfect

  8. #8
    undone Bruklor's Avatar
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    Thank You =) Much appreciated all. Hmmm, maybe I should keep up the whole writing thing...
    m
    ˈpɛr ˈse


    –noun

    by, of, for, or in itself; intrinsically.

  9. #9
    Rock you in the Face Sir Skiddz SoPhrenic's Avatar
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    ^You should...definately.
    Anyhow, the two connections made on both verses was very well done. Undoubtedly, the first verse was less forced than the second verse, where it seemed one or two lines were put there to keep the one line before flowing. Your ending was very nice, something I would never have expected. Nice job.
    Hence Forward.. BURR!
    [YOUTUBE]seYxVBIsycE[/YOUTUBE]
    Just watch My Back, I got the front.

  10. #10
    Word is Bond Sublime D's Avatar
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    nice...simple and very effectively conveys a message..has a general sense of goodness, nice concepts, whiel stil giving a positive and heartwarming message...never seen a drop from you bruk..you keep tight lil shits liek this coming..ill be sure to peep all the rest to come...props and respect
    Bittersweet

  11. #11
    Newbie !ll~L!teRatE's Avatar
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    i loved the meaning and they way you connected both stories. its nice when people write about things that matter. nice rhyming scheme and good flow. Maybe coulda used some better vocab but overal realy good drop.
    Hasta~
    Jus Ma 2 Cents~

  12. #12
    Administrator ILLunatic's Avatar
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    Dope shit Bruk..
    Good structure
    Good imagery
    Dope set up..
    helped understand
    Flow was good..
    Overal...17/20


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  13. #13
    Roll Out The Barrel N-Demik's Avatar
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    *Round of applause for Jamie*

    Haha...You should drop open mics more often!

    Then again.....So should I

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  14. #14
    undone Bruklor's Avatar
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    HaHaHaHa.

    Thank's again all.
    m
    ˈpɛr ˈse


    –noun

    by, of, for, or in itself; intrinsically.

  15. #15
    You've Earned a Custom Title!
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    dope any more questions?

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