lost in a cage~~~!!!!!!!!!!!!(hott)

[lyrical_killer]

chorus:
attractin these lost ghost/
god knows/
im escapin through mazes, still confused as im facin, this demon who haunts souls/
awaken to nightmares, feel the flames cause im right there, screamin through ton-suls/
rapidly, my hands grab relief, as my arms fold/
ny hair raises to point five tips, hearin this voice sign lips, stay prayin my hearts cold/
when will this dream end?/
dirt covers my toes, takin my next step still-worried-about what hovers below, where have these feet been/
please tell me where will this dream end?/

lryics:
my past is tauntin memories/
im cold, daily feeding coals till these embers breath/
but still feel decembers breeze/
embedded beliefs, i steadily breath, heavy but brief, as i prepare ta relieve/
surrender ta peace/
but before i see serrenity, i'll see my enemies, render ta preist/
cause ill never render ta peace/
drainin every ounce of energy, that enters me, and never cease emotions that this pen release/
through motions, while my temper sieze/
an army of battle ships, that plow through ribs, with the power that amounts ta ten per sea/
fuck tenderly, ill dimount these cowards/
mountin power to prevent them from reaching their full potential, snatch and pull their pencils, see if they can pull ten pounds of our.../
weight/
dont know my own, but i devour fates/
spit out my moms wit a sour taste/
im on a road that leads ta nowhere/
constant cold stares/
livin life with no dares/
but who lives life with no cares/
stairin up and down at both stairs/
heaven and hell, but instead i rebel and keep pushin my self to nowhere/

chorus:

attractin these lost ghost/
god knows/
im escapin through mazes, still confused as im facin, this demon who haunts souls/
awaken to nightmares, feel the flames cause im right there, screamin through ton-suls/
rapidly, my hands grab relief, as my arms fold/
ny hair raises to point five tips, hearin this voice sign lips, stay prayin my hearts cold/
when will this dream end?/
dirt covers my toes, takin my next step still-worried-about what hovers below, where have these feet been/
please tell me where will this dream end?/

lyrics:

blind to signs/
hart harder than ever, departin farther in weather, but never buckle under hard times/
strive for the sky as long as the stars shine/
but below reality hits cause im runnin through marked mines/
life is like sharp knives, that orbits and twist,
when forced through your ribs, till your left wit the feelin... like when divorce take your kids, your heart finds/
itself dribblin the ball ta center court but never reachin the hole like par-nines/
stay lookin at my feet, hopin this a dream, but realize reality is takin me alive while i sleep/
no mercy, persistent as time erge me, ta finally/
move forward, till i find and reach/
my destination/
help me find my way, cry with rage, creatin thought penetration/
am i dreamin im awake, or just awake thinking im asleep in this deprevation as i sink/


chorus:

attractin these lost ghost/
god knows/
im escapin through mazes, still confused as im facin, this demon who haunts souls/
awaken to nightmares, feel the flames cause im right there, screamin through ton-suls/
rapidly, my hands grab relief, as my arms fold/
ny hair raises to point five tips, hearin this voice sign lips, stay prayin my hearts cold/
when will this dream end?/
dirt covers my toes, takin my next step still-worried-about what hovers below, where have these feet been/
please tell me where will this dream end?/

lryics:
lost in the fog/
i rise above, like artist writen love, im lightin dubs, till im lost in the smog/
often these options are logged/
and locked in my mental state/
fight till my fist bare bone, and turn ta a pair of stones, eclipsed with a metal plate/
keep niggas runnin with a marathon set a legs/
snakes have tried to settle stakes/
through my chest, as pressures was pressed, but cant touch my heart cause i sit on ranks/
these amatures that used ta be a fan at first, bit off fakes/
yall can't handle that im so fuckin big i sip on lakes/
never got my lips on break/
cause i back what say, pitch black when i prey, and sit back while you pray/
im lost and untamed, my untrained brain waves pertain, the fire ta reighn, and pile your brains/
styled with pain/
but i can finally see... the light anit so bright... but i can finally breath... my sight aimed for life... but my minds stuck asleep.......but what if i could finally reach?





what ya think?

[Mistral]

You need to leave 3 links or 3 names of people you left feedback to or this will get closed, Thanks.

But this needs some work i think....your structure needs work...try to shorten your lines and make them even cause some of those lines are way to stretched out...keep them the same length so its structured good and so it helps the flow out...but keep at it.

[RapidFire]

ok first I'ma point out the negative...

Structure needs work...yea I understand that to an audio emcee it's not gonna make a diffrence how the structure looks, but u should try to even it up, atleast so the readers have an easier time.

The hook seemed fucking long...It was tite..but it was long...I've always felt like, the shorter the hook, the better...because the whole purpose of a hook is to be catchy (hence the name hook).....You might be on a deep topic but u still need for the hook to be catchy...When u write a chorus u should try to think to ur self and see if u can picture other people singing ur hook....

Ok now the positive

Your lyrics are dope...You used nice multis that also had nice internals....2 seperate rhymeschemes in 2 lines...the flow was nice (atleast to me)...even though your structure was horrible this seemed to flow easily to me b/c I read it in a tech n9ne style flow...slow at some parts but speeding up toward the ends of the each line...

neway try working on a few things and u'll be pretty damn good..

peace