trapped (please dont sleep)

[blyndedsoul]

come on there has got to be more feedback..anyone??

[skrawni ASK RRD]

YO IWOULD SAY ITS A MASTER PIECE
SO KEEP IT UP
AND ONE DAY U WILL BE LENGENDARY
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

[blyndedsoul]

thanks.. but can someone poss advise me on structure and all for future references..please..

[Negative]

iT WAS PRETTY NICE....PIECE I WAS FEELIN IT

[Neruda II]

fa real, im feelin the poem. the vocab was good, the metas and similes were sadly painting a picture of hurt and mistrust. the flow was strong at times and then sumtimes got a lil off beat, but hey perfect flow is hard to get. overall id give it a 9.9, beatiful imagery gave it life, and emotion but the tale gave it enough activity that it kept peoples attention. great poem, one of the best ive seen. i would say to keep it up, but i think u already know that. o, and ure from VA? me too, wat part u from?

[authenticity]

hey...i just wanted to say you show mad talent and that i think u got mad skills and thats gonna take u places...if u let it...but yea keep writing and i'll be sure to read em cuz i can already tell i'm gonna luv ur stuff.peace

[blyndedsoul]

thanks for all the advice..is there anyone else that would
like to say anything?? to help me build up on it???

[HotRod]

i loved the structure of this and the way it all flowed

[blyndedsoul]

thanks...

[Richard Parker]

im not going to lie, i did not have the time to read it all. . it was to long. i read the first few paragraphs/ stanzas, and it was alright. structure was good, rhyming was fine, overall nice job. i liked how you walked over the bridge and through the river cried. .

would give a longer more detailed reply but im replying to a lot in here now & dont have time. -FM

[HotRod]

nice shit

[deacon]

your being banned as we speak...^^^^^hotyrod

[jon wayne]

damn shit was ill kna mean,shit was on point with all the emotions
you sounded like your heart was put into it deeply overall shit was ill..........9/10

[.Skribblez.]

This was a good write, I felt the power packed into the words.. You got your point across really good. . . I felt the emotion.. Overall good poem.. Keep this up

[prophiit]

nice message in a well thought out piece.....there wasn't alot of intricacy in this but it really didn't need any.......

i cried me a river that led to an ocean
spilled all my feelings and spread out my emotions
you told me you loved me so i let my heart open
then you said it was over leaving me crushed and broken

^the opener grabbed my attention....i think i caught the theme of something/someone lost right away........very enjoyable beginning the words flowed well both to my eyes and my ears

i threw my tears in the river along with my soul
and let the currents flow take total control
as i slowly walked across, the swinging bridge couldnt hold
all the weight i was still carrying, so it began to fold

the river metaphore through me for a bit......but after i re-read it i understood that you were seperated from your soul.....nice....shows a lot of depth.....poetry should have layers if it didn't then what would be the purpose of writing?.........

after the long drop everything became calm and smooth
and i attempted to get out the water but i was struggling to move
finally, i was washed onto a shore, all broken and bruised
i freelycrawled on the beach, and vaguely still saw an image of u

CAN I EVER ESCAPE YOUR PAINFUL PLEASURE?
OR AM I TRAPPED IN THIS ENDLESS TORTURE FOREVER?

now this is where i start to see things in my own experiences through your words.....you aren't trapped in the traditional sense...you are trying to escape not only yourself but your "pursuer" as well......your own greatest enemy is yourself......at least i think so....overall i think this is a very good piece put together by an intelligent and sensitive poet.....much respect