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Thread: trapped (please dont sleep)

  1. #1

    trapped (please dont sleep)

    im new to rb but i wrote this yest. and would really appreciate feedback..

    i cried me a river that led to an ocean
    spilled all my feelings and spread out my emotions
    you told me you loved me so i let my heart open
    then you said it was over leaving me crushed and broken

    i tried building a bridge that would cover the pain
    but in the past you walked across it and took all i had to gain
    you got to the other side before i had a chance to change
    and once again walked away leaving me full of shame

    i threw my tears in the river along with my soul
    and let the currents flow take total control
    as i slowly walked across, the swinging bridge couldnt hold
    all the weight i was still carrying, so it began to fold

    i felt the rope shaking from this side to that side
    so i turned and looked back and saw you trying to hide
    i realized you were pulling me back, making it even harder to try
    so i stopped trying to run i decided just fight it back or die

    i pushed you back trying to get out of your sight
    but you shoved me over the rope, i started praying for life
    then you reached out for my hand trying to make things alright
    i trusted you one last time, and you watched me fall thru the night

    i hit the water like concrete; gasping for some air
    waves crashing me against the rocks slamming me here to there
    then you dove in swimming after me like you cared
    and i tumbled down a waterfall, why cant this be a nightmare?

    after the long drop everything became calm and smooth
    and i attempted to get out the water but i was struggling to move
    finally, i was washed onto a shore, all broken and bruised
    i freelycrawled on the beach, and vaguely still saw an image of u

    CAN I EVER ESCAPE YOUR PAINFUL PLEASURE?
    OR AM I TRAPPED IN THIS ENDLESS TORTURE FOREVER?


    thanks...
    Last edited by blyndedsoul; December 13th, 2003 at 01:07 PM
    my head is clouded with senseless doubt
    but this seems to be my only escape route
    so ill slither my way across the ground
    to avoid my blyndedsoul from being found
    ~*~YOU LIVE YOU LEARN~*~

  2. #2
    KeyMo Thera P
    Guest
    damn im loving your structure the first and the last paragraphs are what im feeling the most ..shyt was deep i know how it feels ..been going thru some shyt myself..figure'd id give u feed back the title fits the poem perfectly and im glad it was worth taking the time out to read

  3. #3
    aww thanks, yea its just everything i felt the past year, you know, its really not about a certain person its more love in general, afraid to make that extra step, but afraid to lose...

    waitin for more replies;
    newbie needs advice...thanks..
    my head is clouded with senseless doubt
    but this seems to be my only escape route
    so ill slither my way across the ground
    to avoid my blyndedsoul from being found
    ~*~YOU LIVE YOU LEARN~*~

  4. #4
    Compositional Standard Spoken's Avatar
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    you show alot of talent for a newbie!
    this piece was full of emotion
    and you showed it well
    your flow was basic but didnt take away from the piece
    and structure was simple as well
    your message was strong
    and you didnt play it out making it long with out any change
    kept us interested and made new changes to keep us reading
    your ending was good
    but i felt your intro could be improved a bit more
    and your vocab too.
    nice piece

    ~Tera~
    DONT HATE
    ARTIFICIAL | PO'ETHICS | INTELLIGENCE

  5. #5
    TRIBAL
    Guest
    this was nice i gotta say also it did have alote of emotiom....nice image of the poem...great stuff keep it up...


    peace

  6. #6
    thanks...


    waitin for more replies..
    my head is clouded with senseless doubt
    but this seems to be my only escape route
    so ill slither my way across the ground
    to avoid my blyndedsoul from being found
    ~*~YOU LIVE YOU LEARN~*~

  7. #7
    ..Truth.. rule's Avatar
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    damn...for a newb you really brought a lot of power in your words...good creative thoughts you kept the reader motivated and captured which is hard...keep it up mayn...peep my stuff thanks
    Soft Focus
    ..Returns..

  8. #8
    You've Earned a Custom Title! V.I.P.'s Avatar
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    HELL I KNOW WOT UR SAYIN HERE. BEIN IN LOVE CAN BE UP AND DOWN. IM LIKIN THIS PIECE MAN. SHOWN GREAT EMOTION IN A STRONG CIRCUMSTANCE. SWEET DAWG

    PEACE OUT.

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  9. #9
    thanks..any more..thoughts??and rule ill check ya stuff...
    my head is clouded with senseless doubt
    but this seems to be my only escape route
    so ill slither my way across the ground
    to avoid my blyndedsoul from being found
    ~*~YOU LIVE YOU LEARN~*~

  10. #10
    aguhny
    Guest
    if you are a girl then i really liked it kna mean but if your a guy then you need to man up bitch kna mean, it was real good it shows how some niggas can be kna mean keep postin more positive shit like this and move on with ya life ma kna mean

    (crossing fingers hoping it's a chick lmao)

  11. #11
    yea its a chick lol...
    my head is clouded with senseless doubt
    but this seems to be my only escape route
    so ill slither my way across the ground
    to avoid my blyndedsoul from being found
    ~*~YOU LIVE YOU LEARN~*~

  12. #12
    aguhny
    Guest
    blynded hit me up ma kna mean so we can convo

  13. #13
    MindKontrol
    Guest
    damn, this shit come from the heart and if I was dumb like dat, I'd say dat the shit you said was real. But 4real off the hypothetical tip, yo shit is real. Keep it up

  14. #14
    thanks everyone ill keep ya tips in mind...
    til next time...
    my head is clouded with senseless doubt
    but this seems to be my only escape route
    so ill slither my way across the ground
    to avoid my blyndedsoul from being found
    ~*~YOU LIVE YOU LEARN~*~

  15. #15
    just wonderin but is there anymore?
    my head is clouded with senseless doubt
    but this seems to be my only escape route
    so ill slither my way across the ground
    to avoid my blyndedsoul from being found
    ~*~YOU LIVE YOU LEARN~*~

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