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Thread: Visiting Hours

  1. #1
    I'm Back Motherfucker A2Z's Avatar
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    Mar 2003
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    The Perfect World.
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    1,134
    Battle Record
    20-19

    Visiting Hours

    Clocks Have Stopped, Lack Of Visitors Unvaired
    No Children To Watch, Lived Life Unmarried
    Life Ticking, Lay By The Window, Hear Bitter Wind Blow
    Just Thinking, About All That Will Happen When You Go
    The Room Is Bland, No Pictures Of Family To Look Upon
    Nothing But His Shaking Hands, And A TV Never Turned On
    Body Long Since Gone, No Will Left To Stay Alive
    The Only Love Was His Mom, Fourty Years Ago Died
    Lonely And Bitter, Always Stayed In Lives Sake
    He Thinks Life Is Much Better, But Then His Sleep Wakes
    One Big Mistake, All That The Being Of This Man
    Never Be Great, But The Consistent Twitching Of His Hand
    The Flourescent Light Burns, A Montionless Stranger
    Dreaming Of The Love And Yearn, The Gone Life Of Granduer
    Three Visitors A Day, Breakfast, Dinner And Lunch
    He Liked It That Way, Never Really Talked Much
    In Younger Years Was So Glad, Now Its Left In Wreck
    A Pimp, A Ladys Man, For Girls Never Had Respect
    So None Ever Were Drawn To Him, Never Found A Mate
    Just Found Jack Daniels As A Friend, His Only Escape
    Lacking Everything He Love, No One Was Intimate
    Except For Sex Under The Drugs, Kids Were Illegitimate
    Mother And Father Loved So Much, He Retreated Into His Room
    Didnt Appreciate Their Touch, Or His Mind That Was In Bloom
    Nothing Left To Live, Nothing Was There To Miss
    So He Popped In The Thirty Pills, Slid Into The Abiss

    I realize i posted 2 open mics in one day, but please keep it open, i shook off my writers block and am wirting all i can..this piece took me 20 minutes, im in computer class learning about 'do loops'
    <center>[size=6I'm Back..Did Ya Miss Me?[/size]</center>

  2. #2
    I found a prefix!!!! f-gee's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2003
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    Shotlandia
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    2,652
    Battle Record
    28-14
    Awards WOP Champion
    that fat dude in ur avy is kind of off putting.....lol

    anyway..i think u missed out some words and had some spelling errors cos the flow was stop start in places
    the first ten lines or so gave a decent account of who and what the person did and some of his past
    some nice imagery in places
    and u seemed to get better as you wrote it
    quite a well done piece..even though it seemed a bit rushed due to the time scale u wrote it in
    vocab etc was good...not much else to say
    solid key..few complaints
    You need Ghost Dog in your DVD collection


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    it's a bold statement - the new youtube

  3. #3
    I'm Back Motherfucker A2Z's Avatar
    Join Date
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    1,134
    Battle Record
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    ^
    <center>[size=6I'm Back..Did Ya Miss Me?[/size]</center>

  4. #4
    Rock you in the Face Sir Skiddz SoPhrenic's Avatar
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    Battle Record
    7-15
    Your shining point was your flow. Now, I'm not saying the rest of the piece came off as weak, but it didn't come out as good as I thought. Nice Drop, some lines came off extremely well, others seemed to get lost, but since you seem to have lost your w.b, I'm looking forward to seeing better drops. Nice job.
    Hence Forward.. BURR!
    [YOUTUBE]seYxVBIsycE[/YOUTUBE]
    Just watch My Back, I got the front.

  5. #5
    I'm Back Motherfucker A2Z's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2003
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    ^^^
    <center>[size=6I'm Back..Did Ya Miss Me?[/size]</center>

  6. #6
    Ken Dawg
    Guest
    Agree with above..could have come out a little better..your avatar is kinda scary as well..haha Keep it up..aight peace

  7. #7
    I'm Back Motherfucker A2Z's Avatar
    Join Date
    Mar 2003
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    The Perfect World.
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    Battle Record
    20-19
    ^
    <center>[size=6I'm Back..Did Ya Miss Me?[/size]</center>

  8. #8
    I sing the body electric. Maven.'s Avatar
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    Toronto
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    16-12
    reply to three open mics and post links to your replies in this thread, or it gets deleted.
    dude, read the new rules LoL
    thanks
    wordperfect?
    ..o0Pure0o..

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