run nigga run

[rayman g]

i've got them triggerz ,to pull , when you fuck wit my niggaz
i ain't playing , cuz you already wasted my time
i warned you , now you gonna see blood in your eyez
run nigga run thats tha theme for tha song
fuck with my song , don't forget my trigger is long
if it hits you , you better look for tha doctor
fuck your life cuz it will be shorter
i've got regular callz , people saying they like me
if you don't like me , man i don't like you too
the day when i reign , you gonna fill tha pain
see tha trouble , you don't need to struggle
better search fo tha grave , before you die
cuz my lyrics will crash you , and you'ill start to cry

[....BaSh....]

You need to reply to 3 open mics before a mod delete this thread

Anyways this piece was aight for a newbie...Lyrics were kinda simplistic , u had no vocabulary. Your content was weak , your rhyme scheme was aight , your wordplay was whack , multis werent used. Concept was weak. Your flow was kinda off. This piece shoulda been longer. And overall u need to elevate

[rayman g]

you need to avoid tha weakness

[....BaSh....]

Originally posted by rayman g
you need to avoid tha weakness

lol

[rayman g]

i said i should avoid my weakness not you

[-->FreeBasE<--]

you need to fix the flow/structure

try rhyming a lil more

not too bad but it was more like a wack poem, thats not good

elevate, read others to fix yours

.................................................. ..

[rayman g]

thanx for tha help freebase

[Amarant]

it was alright for a newbie.
wordplay could have been better and u need to bring more vocab into ur rhymes. more multis could have been introduced, but with time u shud get better jus listen to the advice ppl give u.

hit my rhyme
http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...threadid=96675

cheers

[MuhThugga]

PLEASE.....stop talking about guns and killaz in your pieces.....it will just make it so much better to read/hear.....

Your structure was choppy.....some lines didn't fit together and it seemed as though you formed the lines around words that rhymed, not incorporate words that rhymes into well formed lines.

Try the concept of a multi.....but don't over-do it.....and work on metaphors.

Look at it as a building block....now all you can do is go up.

[Pr0phiX]

concept was played

flow was choppy

work on structure a bit and more imagery

[Maven.]

reply to three other open mics, and post links to your replies in this thread, or it gets deleted.
thanks.