(untitled) Short Poem

[K-Dubb]

The other night,
we wasn't suppose to, we had a fight.
I thought it woulda served ya right,
then I got a call, heard you made a flight.

Then I realized what I done wrong.
I tried callin' but the phone just rung and rung.

My friend O.C. told me where you might be.

When I finally found you,
I saw that you were lookin' kinda blue.
I tried to apologize to you,
But you said I was already over due.

Now what do I do?
How do I get back to you?
All I want is,
is for me to be with you.
It's true.

(This poem is actually true, I got in a big fight wit' my gf one time and she took off, and I was scared.)

[Spoken]

iight

had a experince sorta like that, had a fight with a bf once then to find out he took off in a car for awhile and no one knew where he was, not some much a fight just some news that upset him i guess, but anyone would be upset finding out they have a kid now, anywho but on the poem, the message was good, but you have to work on your structure some and more on your emotion just let it all out

~Tera~
DONT HATE

[K-Dubb]

yea ok, thanx.

[Mistral]

Yeah this was a pretty good piece, it was worth the read, it was structured pretty good i thought, and it flowed pretty good through out the piece, your content was good, overall it was a good piece, keep up the good work.

[Munkydude87]

Pretty Ill, I think most everyone can relate to having a fallin out with a sginificant other. I think if you elevated your vocab a little it would be much more entertaining.

[K-Dubb]

ok yea i know my vocab is really low but I am workin on it

[LadyWun]

It was very simple and to the point. I think it is a great start
and you didnt try to hard to get the words to fit. It just kinda
flows along, and I think that it sounds like it came from inside
instead of just in your head. Keep writing.

[CafeCubano]

now thats elementary school material...although it is deep, the rhyming n phrasin is elementary

keep uppin'

[Ajax 0042]

ok newbs shut up, ya sound like a bunch of dumbasses
break down


Flow: basic, it was their structured ok, was to the point could have had more in it some multis and more into the rymin

Topic: PLAYED very played, but it was good for a short try, could have used more raw emotion but, it was ok, very basic and not much thought in it.

Vocab/Wordplay: all was basic, not much of a read compared to some of the others on the site. Extremely basic, i suggest looking at some of bouncedoggydogs or decit or da joka for some hint on what ya could do with a piece.

Critisim, go back to the pencil and paper, weak overall but n OK read for a newbie

[evilbombsquad]

i think this was cool. short and too the point and thats how lazy americans like me like it. Good Stuff

[MoparMaddness]

This writing was true to the heart. I have gone through a similar incident. Your poem was a good read and a little inspiring. Keep it coming.

MM

[Varentao]

It started off slowly. In a quite uneven way. Though the emotions did leak through. But towards the middle and end, it did pick up. It remained simple, yet heartfelt. That was the basis of the piece. And as it's so true to you, it cannot really be critiqued.

...resp...

[Prince Escobar]

^wut he sed, but i think most people can relate to this-i know that i-for one-can. (commas are for pansies) quote that bitches! but back to the poem as was stated before it was simple but since alot of people can relate personally i think that you played on the reader's heart more than their mind 1luv.