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Thread: Untittled

  1. #1
    Twiztid_chick69
    Guest

    Untittled

    I dont know what to call this one...Tell me what you think please ...


    Copywright © 2003 Samantha Jones

    Ten empty beer cans sit upon the table
    he wants to stand but isnt able
    Nine alf-smoked roaches lying in the ashtray
    This has became his life everyday
    Eight hours just starring into blank space
    seeing nothing before his eyes but her face
    Seven unsmoked ciggerettes left in the pack
    Regretting what happened, wanting to go back
    Six more days will make the seperation a week
    his lips tremble too bad, he cannot speak
    Five more minutes before he breaks down and starts to cry again
    Wondering what she is doing, and where shes been
    Four times he has put the loaded gun up to his head
    closing his eyes, then opening them, hes still not dead
    Three times he has tried to forget the thought of her
    only making it worse, turning his vision to a blur
    Two lonely hearts, torn so far apart
    crying alone for the other half of his heart
    One lonely love-sick guy
    Left alone in the world to cry


    I was just bored when this was done..its not about anyone I know or anything..please critique

    peAce

  2. #2
    Banned Civilized Rebel's Avatar
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    3-1
    I was definitly feeling this peice. I sorta imagined the instrumentals to the Atmosphere song LoveLife behind it with Slug rapping it. Somehow it works in my head.

    Anyway, this had a lot of creativity for a bored peice. I mean, the ten to one number system was not just inventive, but it was completly undisruptive. It worked, totally flawlessly. Doesn't get much better then that, seriously.

    ~Shalom~

  3. #3
    Banned
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    Yeah this was a pretty good piece, it made a nice read, it flowed pretty well together, i was feeling this pretty good, the structure was good as well, overall it was a good piece i thought, keep up the good work.

  4. #4
    Twiztid_chick69
    Guest
    Thanks for the feedback...I should be postin' some more soon...

    peAce

  5. #5
    Evolve FanTa ZeE's Avatar
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    hey that was good writing girlfriend, keep postin, will you pleez check out mine,

    Rape.

    i was really feeling that verse, i liked how you used numbers often to give effect...dunno if that was deliberate.

    peep this
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...threadid=83624

    and this
    http://www.rapbattles.com/forum/show...threadid=83290

    thank you. vote honestly.no d/r crew or hate votes.

    RESPECT
    Def Poets

  6. #6
    Twiztid_chick69
    Guest
    Alright, thanks for the feedback on my shit yo...I voted for one of your battles..and I did it honestly. I thought you were better than the other one. So I voted you...

    peAce

  7. #7
    Evolve FanTa ZeE's Avatar
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    hey thanx gurl,my battle with NeCrId has been open for like ever, didnt think it'll ever end like. Have you read 'Rape'? tell me what you think if you have. I'll be readin your rhymes in future, you write good stuff.
    Def Poets

  8. #8
    Twiztid_chick69
    Guest
    Thanks chica, I just got done reading 'Rape' and I posted on it. Thats a terrible thing and I know what shes going through...

    peAce

  9. #9
    Evolve FanTa ZeE's Avatar
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    he thanx...check your pms. i left you my addy so we can chat more. uppin on this peice peepz.
    Def Poets

  10. #10
    Twiztid_chick69
    Guest
    Alrighty.

    peAce

  11. #11
    Evolve FanTa ZeE's Avatar
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    EH HEH!!!!!!!!!!

    LOL
    Def Poets

  12. #12
    Twiztid_chick69
    Guest
    LoL

  13. #13
    lil_roxy
    Guest
    nice piece girl. i didnt realize tha numbers till 6, smart rhyme. erm i duno wotta call it '10-1' lol i duno wot u wanna call it?
    keep it up
    peace ~roX~

  14. #14
    Twiztid_chick69
    Guest
    Lol I dunno what to call it either...I was thinking about "reasons to cry" or sumthin..The number were just sumthin creative i guess..lol..Im still thinking on the name of it...Anyway thanks for the reply on it...

    peAce

  15. #15
    evilbombsquad
    Guest
    i dont understand this peice is active but sum itty bitty closed ya 4:20 peice. im confused, but whos Samantha Jones????



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