Inner Thoughts

[Twizted Ayngel]

Twistin, turnin, inside my bed, derived from my head,
Its like These thoughts and emotions desire the dread,
Can't breathe through these sheets, I'm suffocating myself,
Can't sleep through these dreams, I'm contemplating help,
Time consuming, driving my mind and body insane,
Disdain to save the way my life was, make it remain,
Make a choice to hoist these feelings up to the surface,
I slit my wrists just to watch the blood drip on purpose,
Deep red, like a bleak death, each step is closer to my end,
My demise, no lies, my eyes can't take what i see, i cant bend,
Anymore, can't take it, can't even the score, what to do?
Can't really take LIFE anymore, dont know if I even want to.

[SmokaJoka]

Much better than your last one no doubt...you had better flow, emotion, imagery, and vocabulary...structure wasnt bad...overall you did pretty damn good honestly...

Your Best Line:

Twistin, turnin, inside my bed, derived from my head,
Its like These thoughts and emotions desire the dread,
Can't breathe through these sheets, I'm suffocating myself,
Can't sleep through these dreams, I'm contemplating help,
Time consuming, driving my mind and body insane,
Disdain to save the way my life was, make it remain,

^Best part without a doubt was your first half...you had basically all the stuff that was needed...vocabulary and a good flow...and emotion...

BreakDown
Vocabulary - Very Good
Flow - Very Good
Emotion - Very Good
RhymeScheme - Good
Imagery - Very Good
Originality - Ok
Overall:
You done very well to be such a short poem...like I said many times..you done good in almost every basic area...the only thing to dislike would be that this is one of those poems you see alot...nothing much else to hate on...good work...and thanks..=)


Rating:
8/10

[DthsMissingAngel]

Nice. I seem to remember this from somewhere, not sure. Maybe its just me. Everything was good on this. This is one of your best, but I know you got a lot more to ya. lol. Keep up ma.

[Twizted Ayngel]

Dths - I think you read it once before.

Smoka - Yeah it is a pretty usual poem, but I think I did it nicely ^_^ and you think so too. Thanks for the response, i appreciate it a lot.

[Bounce]

Hey, from the last I remember reading your work, you have changed up styles some. All for the better I might add, very nice drop here twisted. I liked the scheme and word usage, very nice and conventional in structure. Not too complex, but not simple in any way. You keep me in the read, and the use of multies and chioce of word groups help this to rapidily flick off my tounge. So in other words even thought flow is an audio charectersitic, the set up here makes the read transition well. So "flow" as related in TEXT is defined by the ablitly to read without hessitation, via incorperation of things I pointed out above. Very good, technically great, topic, a well founded one, but the varitey you introduced keep this fresh and new, without sounding redundent or played. Emotion was not an isssue, imagery was also a non issue, my only issue would be balancing the lines just a bit. Other than that, your drop was damn good! Keep it up and plaese keep active in here..

Bounce

[Foreshadow]

Twisted you had some nice vocab. Which happened to help your piece out. Your structure was nice not so complex that any of us didnt get what you were saying. The mulites were real nice as well and that added for a real nice flow. A big step from your last piece.

[Laureate]

This was really good...emotion ran high throughout and it was aided by your great vocab and multies...some lines were a bit stretched, but overall this was an excellent piece....if this is you rusty than I can't wait to see you at the top of your game Keep it up babe

Please peep this http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...=121263&page=1 Its a bit old, but kind the same idea as your poem. thanks

[Poetik Thug]

very nice lots of emtion and good vocab!!!!! good shit

[Twizted Ayngel]

thanks for all the feedback, i appreciate it a lot. i'll take everything everyone said into consideration. really, i appreciate every comment i get. Thanks