A cyclops was reviewing locations for a wedding anniversary getaway when he thought about the state of Hawaii, yet was perplexed upon the spelling of it. "Linda, how do you spell Hawaii?" asked the cyclops (whos name is Barry) to his wife of 20 years. Linda looked around with an unsettled glance before replying tepidly "Well... it has two I's". Barry (the cyclops) burst out angrily "Do I look like some fucking joke, Linda?!". However before Linda, who was clearly terrified at this juncture, had a chance to formulate a response Barry grabbed the computer chair he was sitting in and repeatedly bashed his wife in the head with it.
Suddenly cognizant of the severely altered trajectory of his life due to emotional overreaction, Barry (again, the cyclops) began running a multitude of probable outcomes and effects in his head when he was yanked from theory into reality as the doorbell rang. "Hey Barry, you ready for tennis bud?" said the voice from the other side of the door. "Uhhhh... yeah, yeah! Give me a moment, I have to... uhhhh... brush my cat first!" replied Barry as he scrambled to drag Linda's body to fling down the basement (She was of slight stature which alleviated this task for Barry). "Couldn't this wait? We have a reservation on the clay court in a half hour." replied Allen, a cherry pie who has been Barry's neighbor for fifteen yea...
Wait, you have a fucking problem with Allen being a cherry pie? Eat a dick, I'm the one telling this story and you are not.
...rs and lately they met twice a month for a tennis game for small stakes. Barry rushed to find his tennis gear and figured a few hours on the court may settle his panic and help him find a solution.
Skipping past the tennis match (of which Allen won and paid Barry $4), Barry came back home and decided the best course of action was to turn Linda into hamburgers. After two days of dedicated efforts, he had turned his wife into hundreds of quarter pound burger patties, to where the next step was to relocate/distribute the burgers. He rented a refrigerated box truck and eventually sold the stock to a local sports stadium. As luck would so have it, the burgers were a smash hit and repeat orders came in but alas Barry had no more Linda to spare. Barry began using middle school students as burger meat and as burger sales went up, misdemeanor crimes began to plummet. Never underestimate the stupidity of the general public as they credited the deliciousness of the burgers to this phenomena and lobbied Barry to a seat in local politics.
As Barry walked into his new office with a box of stuff to decorate, Allen (the cherry pie who was Barry's neighbor during leaner times) walked in to congratulate his tennis buddy. As Barry began artfully applying decor, Allen could not help but admire the tactful application of style and pattern that unfolded before him. Leaning on the doorframe, Allen whistled wistfully and said "Gee Barry, you sure have an eye for office decor". Barry immediately turned red with rage and boomed "Do I look like a fucking joke to you, Allen?!" and reached for a stapler before remembering the last time he flew into a blind rage. Hand quivering still, Barry released the stapler and pulled out a .38 and shot Allen 11 times.
No, Barry didn't learn his lesson and was thus again forced to flee. He boarded a dinghy and sailed to Argentina where he was robbed by street youths and eventually died of starvation.
If you hoped for a happy ending for Barry, you have been disappointed. Now, go eat your vegetables and do your homework. By the way, Barry in the aforetold story was a cyclops.
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