A Disciple's Thread

[A Disciple]

And you pin me and then I'm forced to kiss my hands like you pawing me or trying to be nice to me after the worst abuse on my body you can ever comprehend... and I'm supposed to say ok or change my mind? You not my god, religion, or culture - you never had my permission you never even asked and I don't even know who YET you think I'm a bow and forgive or dismiss this shit?

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What's up with the weed drought? You trying to cover up more shit? And then my family cry when I try to write and stick up for myself - cause believe me I KNOW no one else does.

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Im not even exaggerating when I saw over 300 nights I've had to sleep with an ice pack. 7 mother fucking years you swear you own me.

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When I say*

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I don't know who just tapped my ass... but if you can tap my ass in ways that only god should be able to ESPECIALLY without my permission - if you can do all that then how the FUCK did you not know theyve been abusing me almost 7 fucking years straight now?

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What you think I'm some low level bitch to your initiation and I'm supposed to just sit there, shut up, and take it? Show me something I respect and I mightve. But there is NOTHING to respect about abusing the shit out of a bitch that doesn't even have anything to do with you.

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BECAUSE THE ONLY WAY THEY WOULDVE KNOWN HE WAS THERE WAS EITHER YOU, STALKERS, OR A CAMERA IN MY APARTMENT. I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW OR REMEMBER. SO HOW? TRAITOR

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i STILL HEAR YOU how many times do I have to ask you to leave? NONE of them - keeping detrimental secrets, plotting behind someones back, pretending to be a loving friend? I don't forgive any of you all. No disrespect to Jesus but maybe he can understand cause I don't. How's that my karma? Hows that what I put out? What did I even do to get served like this and yeah I'm going off and not shutting up until I feel better and you freaks have to stop.

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Let me find out that the reason my vision is bad now is cause some low level desperate ass bitch couldn't help himself to sleep a bitch and punch her in my eyes all the time. Yo I can't even fucking believe you for real. I bent over backwards because I trusted you as my friend. Then I'm dealing with this other male bitch who swear he can manipulate a hoe into getting what he wants out of me too.SOBER. ANd that one wants me sober all the time down to even no decaf to spin a bitch into forgiveness or to say impossible again. AND TO THINK I blamed my step father when it was you all along. You're not done? You had to try to tear my entire family apart too?

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BOTH OF THEM... I'm sorry but nah that's not my karma either - they were already broke up confirmed.

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I can't believe they actually force my hands and kiss them or try to redirect my prayers to them instead. DOES ANYBODY ON THIS EARTH BELIEVE I AM FORGIVING OR ACCEPTING ANYONE OR ANYTHING THAT IS FORCING ME TO SHARE MY BODY WITH THEM THRU TORTURE. That butterfly on the door across the hall for me for 3 days though. That was classic. Why won't you even let me try to get better though?

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from me for 3 days* and I actually believed once again I was safe.

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And then you change my response... and NO... I would NEVER hit that instead of them. In fact I'm not shooting at anybody I need reprieve so I can at least fucking think.

https://photos.google.com/photo/AF1Q...iaF_Xkn3YCatmD

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Why no weed? What you all trying to cover up now?

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I don't want to hear or trust anybody just leave me the fuck alone for real.

[A Disciple]

Mayonnaise
https://www.bing.com/videos/search?v...1&q=mayonnaise smashing pumpkins&shtp=GetUrl&shid=f2a0f065-5a1f-447a-82ce-e51bbcb6c053&form=VDSHOT&shth=OVP.WUdGI94_5Cqq1O1j zbupWAHgFo
(Over versus but stop when the words do and listen to the rest of the verse)

The name… when my heart hurt so bad as a child I had to go to the ER. I remember the “mayonnaise” they put on my chest with the electrons. In the school yard I used to have to sit inside cause I would get chest pains almost every day. They said it was asthma… 7 years ago I felt my heart again – and I didn’t realize they could change. These are the things I don’t want everyone knowing…
“Time……. “
Like the memories or the dream and as child the kid I saw at McDonalds when I had a birthday party there and took a pic pointing to my shoe. I’m from Oceanside and Baldwin. My double whisper back to me you grow up to realize invisible friends aren’t real. Or the circles as they are. I grew up singing songs like ring around the rosie or concentration, I never realized that if the phone rang whether or not it was even plugged in.
“And now……..”
(Over guitar)
I used to look at the clouds in the sky and tell God what pictures I saw. And yeah, I’m all about a psych for real. I think I was more mature at 13 than I am now. Both times I cracked my head open I didn’t even cry until I saw the blood. Nothings changed. Just realizing why…. And us and them and family – it’s the only thing that matters. Not the dumb bitches who hurt me.
(Over next verse)
My dreams are as polar as my heart and temper… Fighter pilot or ballerina to getting pregnant and it was mechanic or hair dresser – I did neither. I ended up being an EA in corporate with almost every job I got was in July. It didn’t suffice and it wasn’t enough. And when I realized why it couldn’t make up for it all.
“Out of hand and out of season…..”
I know the odds and the demons chasing me that I finally chased back. But I’m out of season but for once a reason. No longer will I follow, I know what they SAID to do but I refuse. But I can’t do this alone anymore and nah I’m not that arrogant but It’s my ONE life… they can’t dictate it for me anymore.
It has nothing to do with anything but…
“I just want to be… when I can… I will…”

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Can I see my babies?

[A Disciple]

I'm going to get more coffee and like people still obviously here... I didn't know or think to even realize why my eyes change colors until I woke up. Alone. Nothing is more important than my families so if you want to talk big and pac fine... but you see why I'm scared for my children et al. PACING Nobody pace me like you... but can you help me so I can be my own bitch again (IE self) it feels like I'm running thru so many of them I don't even feel like myself most of the time, It's just a strategy in my opinion but "it was all good" 7 years ago now? Why am I the one hit cause they too stupid to just ADMIT IT

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AND STOP

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I don't like their presence, I don't like their aura, I don't like their rituals and I really don't like their demand either. If I kiss my own fucking hands one more time... oh wait I been saying that. Why I really can't do shit about that or the abuse for real?

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I rather die than to live like this and them for real.

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I don't like them sushing me, I don't like them bullying me, I don't like their arrogance and I don't like all the attention. I believe all this couldve been handled in a better way and since it wasn't can it be now?

[A Disciple]

Where everyone at?

[A Disciple]

Can you make sure they read it with how I wrote it to align with the song... cause I'm trying to explain to my blood why.

[A Disciple]

Thank you so much for those bringing awareness to the mental illness plight. In case you think I’m not most grateful. Mental illness a bitch for real. And people who aren’t treated right or a threat to public safety!!! Medicine is key... and finding an outlet. Feeling safe is another and like... I’m lucky to have had angels that saw it all coming too!!!

[A Disciple]

In the 90s? Big, Lox, Keith murry, smiff n Wesson, heltah skeltah, nas, Jay, bad boy and OF COURSE Mobb deep... and dj clue was my means to hearing the underground stuff. That’s mostly where I’m from. North and south east coast. It was a hard pick between little Kim or Foxy - I liked them both. Hurricane Jane was most under-rated... and like I just like rap. I would say because of the poetry and ties to heavy metal I was raised on.

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Reminds me of my boys... Mary J was like our home base back then. And I was so mind over matter even when I had a head ache I’d lay down before I took an Advil and then I lost my mind so like... it fucked me up in every direction. But for real... I am getting it back and learning to live again with such.

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I like underground more than commercial usually... even now I prefer trap. And when I shoot on New Years (that one time) I shoot down to the grass. One so no one gets hurt and 2 to say what up! I always felt protected by ghosts cause so many of my boys have died young so this readjust is fucking me up too. “Where the eyes in back of me” go? That’s what it feel like...

[A Disciple]

Are a threat to public safety*

[A Disciple]

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They lied to him and told him I tried to blame him for what he did... not at all and never - wolf pyre what ever I got bigger problems that shit so petty to me

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I’m from CT of course I raised with them

[A Disciple]

Thanks... I’m just waiting for the site to return to normal again.

[A Disciple]

Thanks @among I appreciate most people hate me here!!!

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Anybody ever get hit with the defrib? Was that the defrib when it felt like my throat was being slashed and being waterboarded at the same time? My life line flashes was crazy! That’s why I joke and say dying is easy it was coming back to life that hurt so much physically and emotionally. I didn’t even barely notice I was shot (I thought I ran out of gas and left the rental in the middle of the street walking home as I was hearing the 3 bangs) - if I even was cause in my hood? Everything get covered up... like welcome to the jungle!

[Doctor Steak]

It may never be. We need The Great Father to rise from the ashes and save us all.

[Doctor Steak]

What the fuck?

[A Disciple]

@Doctor _steak WTF about what? What is your question or which part are you saying what the fuck to?

[A Disciple]

Why?

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That pizza avatar thingy... We used to get pizza every Friday and I'd only have 1 slice cause i used to be so health conscience but after MB2010 I was up to my 4th slice and my boyfriend stopped eating and was just standing there staring at me... I looked up mouth full and all like "what"? I put on 50 lbs in 3 months... traded my Sky and Escape in for a basic model Kia (If you knew me you'd know how crazy in itself that is - I love cars) but I couldn't stand people looking at me. I didn't know why I was doing all that either just told myself I don't need to floss any more. Now? I'm mad as fuck!!!! I want my cars and my life back. My body back? Hmm not so much, I was too skinny any way and I will never allow myself to ever be tossed around like that again. That's kinda how I feel about TGF right now though... just a part in a story. BUT they weren't fucking with me when I was airing out and we were emailing either.

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When I saw a droid I fell the fuck out laughing though... I put it on my IG - I hope it's still there. He was cool peoples for real - Just a playa playa that wouldn't give me the time of day which was cool - but we still cool if he ever come back from lying about being dead. Who think I'm that desperate to just dismiss that shit? Never in my life I ever got dissed by someone pretending to be dead. ;o(

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I usually live in the real world homie... you didn't have to.

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He was rich though so I can see why he'd be full of himself like that...