Iíll Protect You

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Thread: Iíll Protect You

  1. #1
    Cypher Alumni Sammy's Avatar
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    Iíll Protect You



    ďIíll Protect YouĒ
    By Sammy

    Casey likes to engage Dee. They've been playdates since age three.
    Heís her superhero when she needed saving
    No hesitation on his part.
    Whether trolls in the garden, sirens in the pool or dragons in the park.
    His shiny armor and cardboard sword will save her from the dark.

    Casey went to engage Dee. He asked her out.
    And now...onto date three!
    She looked amazing! Dress complimenting her shapely figure.
    But he's still her hero. Her Mr Casey; With her day and night
    Promised himself no one will come near her without a fuckin fight

    Casey wants to engage Dee. They've been dating since 18.
    He still wants to be her hero but problem was, he had no savings
    And she's been acting strange.
    Lately, the gardens ravaged, the pools stagnant and the parkís vacant.

    Casey continues to gauge Dee, though it's been years since the breakup
    She's still his fragile princess Aurora in need of saving
    He follows her to the park, the pool and the garden
    A binocular, cause the restraining order can cause Casey some problems

    Casey stared at the portrait. He and sweet Deidre, young and in love
    now his armorís dent and swords rustic
    She called him a scrub and troll, siren and dragon
    Heís still her hero Ö and knew she needed protectingÖ

    If she only knew...
    how he glimpsed the portrait one last time.
    Her smile moving in and out of his life
    As the rope tightens...swinging him gently into the night




    @Conceptual
    well since youíre offering lol. And link me to any other piece of yours that you may want feed on. Whaddup, Con.

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  2. #2

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    Re: Iíll Protect You

    bruh.

  3. #3
    You've Earned a Custom Title! Conceptual's Avatar
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    Re: Iíll Protect You

    That's what up, a very intriguing poem here Sammy. Going from innocent and childlike to straight up darkness and despair.
    I noticed how you revisited the scenario with the same metaphors as the story progressed, going from a childish fantasy to disturbed compulsions. On the surface, another cute love story gone sour. However, I can also read this as a commentary on a misunderstood male protector role, he truly loves and wants to guard her. Ironically from the creeps (trolls and dragons) he himself has become. The ending wasnt suprising but written very melancholic. Technically, it was just as fancy as it needed to be, nice flow and easy to read tho not simple either. No particular quotes, I felt the whole piece. For me, your use of recurring imagery was the best feat here, pulled off elegantly. Overall an enjoyable read indeed.

  4. #4

    Re: Iíll Protect You

    Casey went to engage Dee. Hehe. Dirty mind right here.

    I found this piece strange in the way it goes from section to section. Large timeframe gaps with no bridging descriptions to explain how it got there.

    I feel emotional value from the piece as a whole. Descriptively, it's very natural. Imagery in terms of the scenes you've set are also captivating, but I can't feel grasped to the characters without a deeper origin story and not having those bridged moments I'm talking about. It feels very broken up and hard to visualise in more than a generic way. It's like a puzzle with missing pieces/holes in big portions of it.

    - - - Updated - - -

    Btw, it's The Rap Daemon fyi.

  5. #5
    Cypher Alumni Sammy's Avatar
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    Re: Iíll Protect You

    Quote Originally Posted by Black Soul View Post
    Casey went to engage Dee. Hehe. Dirty mind right here.

    I found this piece strange in the way it goes from section to section. Large timeframe gaps with no bridging descriptions to explain how it got there.

    I feel emotional value from the piece as a whole. Descriptively, it's very natural. Imagery in terms of the scenes you've set are also captivating, but I can't feel grasped to the characters without a deeper origin story and not having those bridged moments I'm talking about. It feels very broken up and hard to visualise in more than a generic way. It's like a puzzle with missing pieces/holes in big portions of it.

    - - - Updated - - -

    Btw, it's The Rap Daemon fyi.
    ha daemon, thanks for the feed, brutha. and welcome.

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  6. #6

    Re: Iíll Protect You

    The ending wasnt suprising but written very melancholic more
    . Technically, it was just as fancy as it needed to be, nice flow and easy to read tho not simple either.

  7. #7
    Cypher Alumni Sammy's Avatar
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    Re: Iíll Protect You

    Quote Originally Posted by Collette View Post
    The ending wasnt suprising but written very melancholic more
    . Technically, it was just as fancy as it needed to be, nice flow and easy to read tho not simple either.
    well ive seen people bite verses but not feedbacks. this is a first, lol. @Conceptual , ayo, dude above me swagger jacked ur feed, cuzzin lol

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  8. #8
    The Cloud God Andrew Sinacog's Avatar
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    Re: Iíll Protect You

    'She called him a scrub and troll, siren and dragon'

    Probably your best line, very poetic in it's own way.

    I enjoyed this story of clarity of darkness beckoning at it's stance. I enjoyed the character development between the two individuals; was subtly spontaneous in a way. This showed good control of contrast, writing method, and control of language. Nice job on story-telling as-well. So, the girl pushed the boy to his death right? The rope symbol sises a rope swing (for their child-hood) and a rope for killing himself? You can tell me, I don't mind. But this was rather good either way. The ending was nice. Good work on this , Sammy. Hope to read more.

  9. #9

    Re: Iíll Protect You

    On the surface, another cute love story gone sour. However, I can also read this as a commentary on a misunderstood male protector role, he truly loves and wants to guard her. Ironically from the creeps (trolls and dragons) he himself has become. The ending wasnt suprising but written very melancholic find more here
. Technically, it was just as fancy as it needed to be, nice flow and easy to read tho not simple either. No particular quotes, I felt the whole piece. For me, your use of recurring imagery was the best feat here, pulled off elegantly. Overall an enjoyable read indeed.

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