Mr. Nightmare

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Thread: Mr. Nightmare

  1. #1
    The Witness. Witty's Avatar
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    Mr. Nightmare

    He lives in a canyon, the core of your mind whre bliss is abandoned
    A thorn in your side, horror and pride existing in tandem
    The kiss of a phantom, the touch of a beast
    Feel the clutch and release of his limitless tantrum
    The rush...and relief....
    Touched by the grief of an image too vivid to fathom
    He's violent and Satanic
    You'll cry and you'll shake...panic
    Try to escape, but without the light of the day...
    ...you aren't fighting your way past it
    He's the type that will play havoc
    when the night is silent and gray - static
    defile and defame, wild and deranged
    That image that whirls around in your brain's graphic
    His home is inside this recklessness, his hope in despair
    He's broken your mind to detritus, just smoke in the air
    You chose your demise, closing your eyes is poking the bear
    You opened your soul to this hopeless affair
    Broken and cold, body soaking...and scared
    Now you've awakened...but afraid of the night
    Because right when your mind is vacant...
    ....he'll be waiting to strike.

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  2. #2

    Re: Mr. Nightmare

    nice read dude. it feels a lot different than your old style, but the rhymes are still dope. love the diction and the imagery and most of the flow. either i'm out of practice, which i am, or some of your lines didn't flow right when i read it. really nice to read something new from a dope rhyming vet. i never come on here anymore and just happened to see you post. if you're active, maybe that might push me to be more active again. yea i know i'm an asshole for talking like this under a smurf account hahahah. but i love you witty and if you looked at the only OM i have dropped under this name, i'm sure you're one of the handful of writers that could guess who i am. lol. good seeing you writing dude, i hate my writer's block.

  3. #3
    The Witness. Witty's Avatar
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    Re: Mr. Nightmare

    Lol I know who you are. I'll check your OM out for sure . What's up my friend? I'm not really 'writing again' but I long to.

    Get at me man.

  4. #4
    Kill Them All The Villain.'s Avatar
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    Re: Mr. Nightmare

    Cool piece, Mr. King.

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  5. #5
    Administrator Cheesecake Assassin's Avatar
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    Re: Mr. Nightmare

    this was a real cool piece here witty, love how you structured the overall writing and didn't whore out the multies, this piece had a interesting vibe from beginning to end, you do a real good job developing the story and imagery throughout your piece to.

    He lives in a canyon, the core of your mind whre bliss is abandoned
    A thorn in your side, horror and pride existing in tandem

    the multies here was fucking dope, it wasn't too much either.

    The kiss of a phantom, the touch of a beast
    Feel the clutch and release of his limitless tantrum

    an inner rhyme scheme going on here with some inner multies to boot, fucking dope.

    The rush...and relief....
    Touched by the grief of an image too vivid to fathom

    jesus, you carried on the same pattern through this bar to, this is an eye opener.

    He's violent and Satanic
    You'll cry and you'll shake...panic
    Try to escape, but without the light of the day...
    ...you aren't fighting your way past it
    He's the type that will play havoc
    when the night is silent and gray - static

    This transition here was smooth, I liked how past it/static/panic don't really rhyme but the way you wrote this it flowed smoothly together.


    defile and defame, wild and deranged
    That image that whirls around in your brain's graphic
    His home is inside this recklessness, his hope in despair
    He's broken your mind to detritus, just smoke in the air
    You chose your demise, closing your eyes is poking the bear
    You opened your soul to this hopeless affair
    Broken and cold, body soaking...and scared

    flow is on point here, this is an easy read, the multies are good here,hope in despair/smoke in the air/poking in the bear...almost missed thie body soaking and scarred part, way to be unpredictable!


    Now you've awakened...but afraid of the night
    Because right when your mind is vacant...
    ....he'll be waiting to strike.

    dayuuum, like this ending, waiting to strike, he gives up a creeper feeling, afraid of the night/waiting to strike is a dope multie to, good way to end this piece tho.

  6. #6

    Re: Mr. Nightmare

    Hi Witty,

    I admired the verbiage that you chose in this passage.

    "You chose your demise, closing your eyes is poking the bear
    You opened your soul to this hopeless affair"

    I actually thought of a few Mortal Kombat and Killer Instinct finishing moves when I read the that part. The flow was kept very consistent and really brought out the essence of having a terrible dream that one would want to wake up from right away.

  7. #7
    bobericc _Lyrics's Avatar
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    Re: Mr. Nightmare

    What up wit
    This was a nice read here, not much of a background story or twist, but it flowed really nice and the syllables were stacked deep without any forced wording except for maybe the shake...panic line. Other than that it read very cohesive and had a strong grim characterization to it that was pretty destructive and easy to imagine. Some nice doses of imagery here and there. The internal rhyme scheme and flow is what was your shining element and made for a slick piece. Thanks for the read
    Grapedutchgenetics.com

    Im not a rapper, im a gardener

  8. #8
    4 year anniversary 😈 A Disciple's Avatar
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    Re: Mr. Nightmare

    The concept, rhymes and imagery was amazing... one of the best I’ve ever read on here. Short and to the point too. Wow!
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  9. #9
    rule 38. Celph Taut's Avatar
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    Re: Mr. Nightmare

    Awesome read, I loved it. The interwoven rhyme schemes were brilliant and well balanced. You've managed to keep such a complexity, whilst not coming off choppy. Subject matter wasn't bad at all because the obvious focus here was mechanics, but even in that, it was as well done as it possibly could have been. Overall, cool read.

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