A little feedback would be dope?

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Thread: A little feedback would be dope?

  1. #1

    Question A little feedback would be dope?

    Collectively certain that you're a virgin to merkin
    I'm straight savage for working up on this bitch while she twerking
    We're yearning searching for surgeons, emerging merchants we're lurking
    to purchase Persians for purging before they're urgently burning
    I think this verse needs rewording, try one that's not so disturbing
    I might purchase a version with a little more worship for cursing
    To tell the truth mate, I'm not a fan of Aussie rap
    We got those type of voices that just sound like crap
    But I'm a little different when I get up on the track
    I say fuck I say cunt and that’s a well known fact
    So fuck you cunt I'm the illest around
    I'm the only motherfucker here killing the sound
    You're the only prick in here that I wouldn’t announce
    Like you were shooting 3’s and I got all the rebounds
    Or like I was playing cat and you were the mouse
    Or like you were the jester and I was being crowned
    Or like I was mainstream and you were underground
    Sit back down you little fuck I'm the best pound for pound
    I'm that inbound battle ground blood hound you shouldn’t doubt

  2. #2
    La Costa Nostra Late Bloom's Avatar
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    Re: A little feedback would be dope?

    Okay cool this guy gets in here keep droppin bro...
    a labyrinth of power.....

  3. #3

    Re: A little feedback would be dope?

    Not a bad key Lenny...
    Try smartning up ya words.
    E.g


    "Collectively certain that you're a virgin to merkin"

    I Merc (murk) virgins like fuckin in a Benz for the first time!

  4. #4
    lvl 1 bard natural20's Avatar
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    Re: A little feedback would be dope?

    Hey. I'm extremely new to this scene/only started writing bars about a week ago. That being said, I've been an avid hip hop head my entire adult life and have come to understand and appreciate many of the technical aspects of this genre. I'm still having trouble with the disconnect between reading bars and hearing what they're supposed to sound like. So, take my comments with a grain of salt...

    First off, the initial six lines wowed the shit outta me. I love the cadence with the drawn out syllables hitting similar places in your bars. For instance line one "certain" and "merkin" followed by line two's "working" and "twerking" ect. Although, to make it flow even better, you may want to consider things like rewording to fit the cadence, droping syllables, writing things how they should be spoken, and cutting out words to keep the rhyme flowing...here's a few examples of what I'm talking about:

    Line 2: Im' straight savage fer workin up this bitch while she twerkin (working=workin, dropped "on" to cut a syllable)
    Line 3: to purchase Persians fer purging 'fore they're urgently burnin (for=fer, before='fore [to cut a syllalbe], dropped g on durning)
    Line 4: I think this verse needs rewording, try one that's not disturbing (removed "so" because it felt like one too many syllables)
    Line 5: I might purchase a version plus more worship for cursing (with a little=plus...I feel this had way too many syllables, cut out three and I think it sounds better)

    If I'm off base, please let me know. I'd like to get a general idea of this community and see if my version of hip hop jives with y'all.
    Last edited by natural20; May 30th, 2018 at 03:26 PM

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