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Thread: Sick

  1. #1

    Sick

    It has to be joking,
    It can't go like this,
    Why is life trying to pull me a mothefucking diss?
    Wet nose,
    The color of a rose,
    Hiding like a mouse,
    My head is so on fire,
    I am suprised my hair is not burned out,
    Standing 12 hours in the bed like i am a scout,
    But, you know there is a good thing,
    My smart phone in the morning doesn't need to ring,
    Friends screaming, you are a lucky cunt!
    But, i am not,
    I feel pretty hot,
    I just puked,
    And everyone looked at me like,
    What the fuck?
    That's disgusting,
    I am sorry mate,
    Just come on another date,
    On a big issue now,
    On a big tissue on my nose.

  2. #2
    Bye bye black bird Poeta Demonio's Avatar
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    Re: Sick

    I feel as though you need to be slightly less literal with your imagery. Some metaphorical language really could bring this piece out of a stagnant, statement-esque feel and bring your narrative to life in a more poetic way. It felt the simplicity of the piece works well but some of the phrasing issues here really need to be addressed as well as issues with the rhyme scheme. I understand that you're using free-verse, but at very least the meter requires some form of attention if it is to flow properly. You have some nice phrases with similes in here however; that definitely should be kept and re-drafted such as the image of the rose hiding like a mouse and the scout line (though that line needs to be slightly re-worked in terms of length)

    Keep writing man, look forward to seeing you around the site.
    AI


    “ˇViva la Revolución!”

 

 

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