Through the Eyes of a Child

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Thread: Through the Eyes of a Child

  1. #1
    You've Earned a Custom Title! Conceptual's Avatar
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    Through the Eyes of a Child

    a little girl is looking uphill at the blue calm sky
    dancing by the lush lawn, raising her palms high
    living in a fairy tale where she doesn't play alone
    her siblings giggling, they couldn't stay at home
    ringing from the grass, playful, innocent laughter
    lighthearted children who the kind spirits look after
    a wondrous time, their world is magical, dreamlike
    the kids lived across "a grey town of steam pipes"

    father was there at the works, the breadwinner
    "dad wins food every day!" so they're fed dinner
    rain or shine, daddy comes home by the evening
    she runs to hug him, her face genuinely gleaming
    best place in the world, in the embrace of father
    "my princess.." she knew nothing could harm her
    modest yet blessed, whether with a smile or a cry
    the world seemed safe, through the eyes of a child..


    if only it could last forever..
    however..


    rooted in reality, a day came along to plant a seed
    "daddy is gone.." the words disturbed her fantasy
    "is he coming back?" a little girl wondered, nervously
    "daddy is elsewhere now.." mom withheld, purposely
    the home is silent and cold, she was forced to fathom
    darkening her imagination, the source for phantoms


    .
    .


    a little girl watching the sky, turbulent, overshadowed
    taking two breaths from a cigarette, both were shallow
    with an aftertaste of death, her outlook ain't past that
    still she kept them, cause it was her fathers last pack
    tending for her siblings, some things being required
    "no more playing now sweetie, mom is feeling tired"


    .
    .



    a little girl sees the night... her thin wrists quivering
    distant red lights seen through the mist, shimmering
    like beacons amidst the black summons her to come
    wishing things calm again, she's humming on a tone
    what things would she do simply to make the days?
    a once faithful gleam in her look quietly fades away


    she's going on an adventure.. away from her home
    she's calling for the kind spirits.. but they were gone
    awoken, from heavy burdens that lies on her mind
    after tonight, she would never see the world again..


    through the eyes of a child..

  2. #2
    Landed Emily's Avatar
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    Re: Through the Eyes of a Child

    This was exceptional. The story telling skills are obvious.
    You have a way of painting a deeply emotional tale that grips the reader.
    Personally I saw it like a movie.
    It played in front of my eyes and had an amazing atmosphere from start to finish.
    I also admire you rhymes. Although simple, I adore that you didn't go overboard with rhymes in this.
    It kept the story front and centre and kept my imagination where it should be, on the characters and the eye of their storm.
    You had a couple of slight typo's here, if you like I can point them out to you, but because of the calibre of your work, it didn't phase me in the least.
    The fact that you were able to show sensitivity in this piece, putting you in a vulnerable state as a writer, shows me you've got the makings of something great.
    I think you had a stunning flow. Sometimes with a flow as obvious as this one,
    mixing it up a bit makes it a little refreshing.
    Sometimes personally, I like the flow to change direction just a bit, just to make it feel a little more refreshed and to add an unexpected flavour to the melody.
    Predictable flow can sometimes take a great piece and make it mundane.
    However, your story had so many layers, I find it hard to go on about predictable flow because I think you owned this, from top to toe, you did it justice.
    You, because of your words, your talent, kept my imagination strictly on your path,
    and it never wavered.
    I'm sorry for the late feed, and for the lack of feed so far.
    Sometimes people look at a longer piece and avoid it, or sometimes we wait for a time that's more suitable in order to give it the feed we think it deserves.
    Stick around Conceptual. I'd love to read more of your work.
    I'm interested in what else you've got to give us writers and readers.
    I'd love to see your feedback of other peoples work also.
    I think you'd be an asset to pc.


    Great Read.




    Thank you.
    Last edited by Emily; July 8th, 2017 at 02:09 AM


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  3. #3
    You've Earned a Custom Title! Conceptual's Avatar
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    Re: Through the Eyes of a Child

    Thanks for the positive feedback Emily, this was actually a verse from a tourney on another site (that got knocked tha f out in the first round at that). So glad you found it a valuable read. English is not my first language so by all means point out any typos. Imma see if can return som feedie around here.

  4. #4
    Landed Emily's Avatar
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    Re: Through the Eyes of a Child

    You're very welcome Conceptual. It got knocked out in the first round? I can't imagine the calibre of the winning piece.
    Must have been sensational. Your piece was a pleasure to read Conceptual.

    Typo's:

    lighthearted children who the kind spirits look after
    The word 'who' here really should be 'who are'. But to be honest with you, if it were me,
    I'd omit the word 'who' altogether. This is what it would sound like...
    lighthearted children, the kind spirits look after
    wishing things calm again, she's humming on a tone
    I think she might be 'humming a 'tune'.

    awoken, from heavy burdens that lies on her mind
    'lies' imo, should be 'lay'
    You could skim it down further...
    awoke heavy burdens that lay on her mind.

    It's hard to believe English isn't your first language.
    Top job Conceptual. Keep the emotional side alive because it's that vulnerability us readers connect to.
    As for your writing, the talent is there, now it's just about honing it and owning your signature style.

    Thanks again.


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  5. #5

    Re: Through the Eyes of a Child

    I honestly really did enjoy the lyrics, they are really emotional and realistic, unlike the new rappers, which you can barely understand what
    they are saying.
    Good Job!

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