Beautiful Mind

[Letterman]

Beautiful mind
Beautiful, mine
How beautiful it would be
Beautiful moments passed by
This ugly world misunderstood me

Precious seconds
Gorgeous minutes
Lovely hours awaiting
Every moment spent with you
Simply captivating

Procrastination
Time wasted
Unfortunate circumstance
Beautiful mind
Beautif...

...Out of time

[Poeta Demonio]

Generally repetition in such close proximity is a negative in writing as it breaks the flow of the words, but the first two 'beautifuls' worked on various levels as it incorporated word play. The latter two uses of it stagnated the reading for me and the meaning and passion of your words essentially were dulled by poor word choice. Personally, I'd actively remove both of those lines entirely and literally have it read

'Beautiful, mind
Beautiful, mine.
This ugly world misunderstood me'

It becomes phrasing that resonates as opposed to becomes too crowded with unnecessary words. I really like the second stanza. It brings out a more confident tone than in the first and elevates the quality greatly. For some reason I wasn't keen on 'gorgeous minutes' yet I can't quantify why exactly. It just sounds off. The closing stanza and final line are perfect! I'd actually be temped to redraft the piece and have the first stanza (reworked) possibly remove the second stanza even though it's good and keep the third. The reason I say this is because the second stanza and the third are saying largely the same thing except the last stanza just says it better and far more profoundly so. Very nice work here man, look forward to seeing more from you.

[Emily]

ugh...how did i miss this?
you have a beautiful mind.

[Jukon]

It's a great piece, don't get me wrong. But you said the same thing through out the entire piece, you know? It didn't feel as if it progressed forward, but stayed in place. With that said, I would like for that to have been intentional but some of the wording leaves me to believe it wasn't. If intentional then, well done because you capture the "out of time" aspect perfectly. Wasting time on the same thing/ person for years. But never moving forward. I can relate. Especially right now. So I like that aspect. Your first stanza was great, however I agree with the overusage of "beautiful" the first 2 we're great but the last 2 felt awkward.

Overall, I enjoy the concept, execution was good.

[Emily]

Beautiful mind
Beautiful, mine
How beautiful it would be
Beautiful moments passed by
This ugly world misunderstood me

Look, I can't say much about the fact that you've used the word beautiful four times in these lines. Something about it works for me and then something about it makes me think it's a bit of an overload. One thing though is that air you carry in those lines is floaty, dreamy and surreal. I love that last line. Its ugh...beautiful.

Precious seconds
Gorgeous minutes
Lovely hours awaiting
Every moment spent with you
Simply captivating

I think this is a great description of a break down of emotions and reflections. I love that a single minute can be translated as gorgeous. Everything smells like roses when you reminisce on the moments you had with her. It's as if she's perfumed the air and you're breathing in her allure with every thought that passes.

Procrastination
Time wasted
Unfortunate circumstance
Beautiful mind
Beautif...

...Out of time

That's so clever. Really smart the way you chopped up that last word, showing us exactly that moment in time.
Making us feel what you felt. Cutting us off midway to bliss.
Letterman, I really liked this. I think the tone you had was sensational. I think it created an enhanced atmosphere.
You created something thats not only meaningful to the story but also conveyed mood.
Yeah, I'd probably look at the first stanza again and think twice about the constant repetition of words but the rest of
this took over tbh and you came out with flying colours here imo.
It's simply, lovely.



Thank you.