Poeta Demonio - Age of Empires
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  1. #1
    SirVent
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    Poeta Demonio - Age of Empires

    The Age of Empires;
    came, saw, conquered and perished. Maybe the Gods will just retire…




    Across the sea’s, on white horse tides,
    they seized their lands and raped their wives.

    Sailed too close to cinder suns;
    moored on a horizon long scorched by Huns.

    Captured laughter from a baby’s throat.
    Bottle fed it, until it choked.

    Their first born slaughtered, slung loose at their feet…
    surrender your lands, or bare a plague on your streets.

    Blood splattered banners; they fluttered for victory…
    flickering though time, diluting frail-pages of history.

    Sunk teeth-too-deep, infecting open wounds of our patient nation,
    whilst monsters of creation, evolved out of brutal exploitation.

    Across the sea’s, this time we’ll fly,
    in preservation of our culture, we’ll gladly die.

    Even though it’s thousands of miles away,
    we must keep Muhammed’s children at bay.

    If they should live, yes, even one…
    Yeshua will become Gods forgotten son.

    I know you’re an atheist, but my child do your part…
    Because, tradition must find homage in a patriots heart.







    *This is a piece for a module at uni that I'm taking, whereby we have to write 3 poems; one in quatrains, one in tercets, and one in couplets for an assignment. This is the couplets poem!

  2. #2
    Bye bye black bird Poeta Demonio's Avatar
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    Re: Poeta Demonio - Age of Empires

    This kid has talent...
    AI


    “¡Viva la Revolución!”

  3. #3

    Re: Poeta Demonio - Age of Empires

    I vote yes this was a barrage of poetic devices thrown my way.

    Fuck yes
    DamNation

  4. #4

    Re: Poeta Demonio - Age of Empires

    Quote Originally Posted by Fatrick Swayze View Post
    I vote yes this was a barrage of poetic devices thrown my way.

    Fuck yes
    Along with great imagery. I mean this as an example of well fleshed out writing. It was precise
    Showcased great skill with diction and cadence.
    DamNation

  5. #5
    wyrdsmyth Karaoshi's Avatar
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    Re: Poeta Demonio - Age of Empires

    It's a no from me. There was some great lines and ideas and wording in here, but as a whole it read in a very "This happened then this happened then this happened then this etc". It was a storyline rather than a story. There was good wording within the lines, but the piece as a whole just wasn't great.

    My other bugbear is the cadence. It's written in couplets, but with complete disregard for meter or rhythm. There is no flow of stressed/unstressed syllables, there is not even any set syllable count line to line. This is basic level writing. Some nice ideas and content in there, but needs to step up a few levels to be poetry HoF. I wouldn't have nom'ed it tbh.

  6. #6
    Landed Emily's Avatar
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    Re: Poeta Demonio - Age of Empires

    I liked the other version a little better tbh lol
    but it's not that
    for me its the fact that when i read it the flow broke at times for me with syllables short at times and
    some lines that seemed a little longer making the sentence feel crammed at stages.
    Don't get me wrong I liked this piece a lot but not enough for hof. The flow played with me at stages and it
    didnt feel as smooth from a to z. One of my comments in the piece was ...
    I think the content you added here was rich, but you lost me at times with flow and rhyme in this version. The other version didn't seem to have much that stood out in terms of broken flow.
    The rest of my feed was positive but based on this little bit of critique here I'd have to v - no.


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  7. #7
    SirVent
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    Re: Poeta Demonio - Age of Empires

    My vote is also no
    Based on the lack of progression of the piece, the bones were there but was lacking the muscle, the blood, the stuff that makes it whole. It was definitely great. Don't take it wrong. I think you appreciate the honesty

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    the theory of cause and effect is flawed,
    we expect the outcome to mirror the struggle, that's wrong.

 

 

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