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Thread: Awkward

  1. #1
    Cause A Fuss Truth Iscariot's Avatar
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    Awkward

    Not much could've been louder than this silence
    It rumbles low. Displays & Shows
    The state of things. The ache it brings.
    To move on from favored days of spring.
    Scents of Honeysuckles & Rain.
    This silence is the mingling of Joy & Pain.
    The tale of how these age old characters came
    To blame one another for the murdered moment
    Salvation is Gone. Hot-Iron-Hate glows...grows
    I pity the soul that owns it & the Heart that Hate calls Home.
    .
    .
    Life can be bittersweet.
    Sea Salt Toffee. Birds tweet the dawn after the decimation of dreams.
    However, Night never seems to render the soul clean.
    Or
    New light still leaves shadow to be seen.
    Apparitions of yesterday. Our emotions wait to demonstrate
    Hidden grudges we can't negate. History judged, "it's bound to repeat"
    Misery/Loves
    Company
    Joy & Pain mingling
    Sillouhetted in an awkward
    Silence...
    Self Proclaimed...

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    Nigga tale it to Chaucer..

  2. #2
    Cause A Fuss Truth Iscariot's Avatar
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    Re: Awkward

    Cough
    Self Proclaimed...

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    Nigga tale it to Chaucer..

  3. #3

    Re: Awkward

    This was cool. I liked the subtle process of your writing in this. At first it starts off with a smooth
    Melodic flow but it intensifies as the passion in your words seem to shine brighter towards
    The end of this piece. I felt the confidence and conviction in your words towards the end.
    You had some outstanding lines scattered through out but feel like this piece stands out as a
    Whole. It was a complete piece. Enjoyed.
    DamNation

  4. #4
    SirVent
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    Re: Awkward

    Not much could've been louder than this silence
    It rumbles low. Displays & Shows
    The state of things. The ache it brings.
    To move on from favored days of spring.
    really nice intro. the rhymes really bring a lot to this,
    you're really good with bringing nice imagery but
    with that sad undertone lol.

    Scents of Honeysuckles & Rain.
    This silence is the mingling of Joy & Pain.
    The tale of how these age old characters came
    To blame one another for the murdered moment
    Salvation is Gone. Hot-Iron-Hate glows...grows
    I pity the soul that owns it & the Heart that Hate calls Home.
    it's dark, but it shows hopefulness at the same time, which i find impressive
    .
    .
    Life can be bittersweet.
    Sea Salt Toffee. Birds tweet the dawn after the decimation of dreams.
    However, Night never seems to render the soul clean.
    i like the bittersweet/sea salt toffee part.
    Or
    New light still leaves shadow to be seen.
    Apparitions of yesterday. Our emotions wait to demonstrate
    i really enjoy the 'apparitions of yesterday' part of this,
    that gives an eerie feeling just from the word itself.

    Hidden grudges we can't negate. History judged, "it's bound to repeat"
    Misery/Loves
    Company
    Joy & Pain mingling
    Sillouhetted in an awkward
    Silence...
    really strong ending for this piece. honestly i think the biggest strength of this piece
    is the progression. it moved forward and at the right pace. you took your time
    and it worked out perfectly. this was solid. sorry i missed it earlier.

  5. #5
    God Fist Spoken Deity's Avatar
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    Re: Awkward

    A couple of the chosen images are a bit played (loud silence and all that), but the language is immediately compelling. Breaking up the sentences is wise, and I think allows for a bigger punch on certain lines. As always, your language and sentence structure is inviting and fresh, but sometimes the chosen ideas/themes to play with do your own skill a disservice. Some of the best lines are when you play with images more... I dunno, tactile? Sea salt toffee line was brilliant. It really brought the abstractions into something tangible. This is, I think, the hardest kind of skill to learn: writing without random abstractions with images that show insight into the ordinary. When you're doing this here, it's fantastic.

  6. #6
    You've Earned a Custom Title! walkerblack's Avatar
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    Re: Awkward

    Quote Originally Posted by Truth Iscariot View Post
    Not much could've been louder than this silence
    It rumbles low. Displays & Shows
    The state of things. The ache it brings.
    Just wow. I'm lonely now

    Quote Originally Posted by Truth Iscariot View Post
    To move on from favored days of spring.
    Scents of Honeysuckles & Rain.
    This silence is the mingling of Joy & Pain.
    The tale of how these age old characters came
    This painful reminiscing. It hurts really nicely and I really resonate. The juxtaposition is eloquently presented for real.

    Quote Originally Posted by Truth Iscariot View Post
    To blame one another for the murdered moment
    Salvation is Gone. Hot-Iron-Hate glows...grows
    I pity the soul that owns it & the Heart that Hate calls Home.
    I really appreciate your control over the way reader can read this section here. This seems like a small window with a view into who you are and how you yourself deals with emotion

    Quote Originally Posted by Truth Iscariot View Post
    Life can be bittersweet.
    Sea Salt Toffee. Birds tweet the dawn after the decimation of dreams.
    However, Night never seems to render the soul clean.
    This imagery is off the charts for real. It's actually beyond imagery, really. Sensory detail, is that it? Wow

    Quote Originally Posted by Truth Iscariot View Post
    Or
    New light still leaves shadow to be seen.
    Apparitions of yesterday. Our emotions wait to demonstrate
    Hidden grudges we can't negate. History judged, "it's bound to repeat"
    Misery/Loves
    Company
    Joy & Pain mingling
    Sillouhetted in an awkward
    Silence...
    Way to bring this full circle. Truly, this was a wonderful read. Thanks
    greetings netizens

  7. #7
    You've Earned a Custom Title! Boss lady's Avatar
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    Re: Awkward

    This was wonderful
    Pretty cool emtions coming from ya heart

 

 

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