sun & moon

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Thread: sun & moon

  1. #1
    Ars Longa Vita Brevis English's Avatar
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    sun & moon

    this is slightly revised for this smooth ass fucking beat:

    http://www.hipstrumentals.com/wp-con...strumental.mp3

    You might think of me as cancerous,
    if misconstrued say Iím mad with lust
    except the heart beat truth and itís amorous,
    mightíve sampled you but havenít had enough.
    Why you acting up?
    I do know why but Iím asking ya,
    when we make contact I know thereís action underneath your skin
    - let me in - more than just me tryna blast a nut.
    I know the way shit go, yo youíve had it tough,
    and the reason why is Iím a bastard huh?
    Give me a chance to patch up the cracks I cut,
    Tryna grow, I donít know all the things that Iím lacking but
    -- your compassionís one, nourished by its fragile touch.
    I can be rough, if you want,
    yet my hands are smooth when clad with love.
    Your eyes are saying that this can be love,
    still it canít be trusted, so Iím candid: love me (love me).
    Not tryna have you beneath me and be the man above, see
    I mean sex as well as our standing, lovely.
    Got me standing up be it in more than one way.
    I want you to stay right beside me,
    for we are equals entirely;
    despite the fact I sometimes feel silently
    when I observe you I donít deserve you.
    I hope Iíve wrote the words to
    adequately say I need you -- thatís it.
    the way you make me feel erratic,
    your sway appealing to my habit,
    can I play and peel away the fabric
    to praise and breathe in all your magic
    Ė is that okay? donít even need to ask it.
    Yasmin the light shines at me and Iím basking
    in your truest, luminescent blooming essence;
    the Moon confesses its love for the Sun
    with its continued presence, and now he is seeing her.

    Thank you for being here.

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  2. #2
    bobericc _Lyrics's Avatar
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    Re: sun & moon

    Whatup English, this was a nice romance piece! Yasmin sounds like a great girl and this write was killing it with the flow toward the end! Im normally not a big fan of your flow to be honest because it has some inconsistencies that draw it back in spots and becomes a bit sporadic. Here want really the case I think you had a dope flow for the most part, the intro is cool too.definitely give it a record sometime if you get the chance id like to hear it. Thanks for the read!
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  3. #3
    Hungry Caged's Avatar
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    Re: sun & moon

    Loved this sorry I can't break it down right now but this was beautiful

    - - - Updated - - -

    Damn this flowed with the beat well

  4. #4
    Ars Longa Vita Brevis English's Avatar
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    Re: sun & moon

    yea, the initial writing of this was revised so i could orchestrate it to the beat in question.

    it works.

    not sure how legit a technique that is, i don't really write songs.

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  5. #5
    Ars Longa Vita Brevis English's Avatar
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    Re: sun & moon

    snooze

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  6. #6
    Super Grand Heru SELF ACTIVATE's Avatar
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    Re: sun & moon

    You know, the few interaction between you and I have always resulted in me believing you to be a very rude and pretentious dickhead. Which is weird because prior to this reply I've never insulted you before. Thus, I never quite understood where all that negative energy was coming from. But perhaps I just misinterpreted your intent? In any case, I hold no grudges towards you and I actually find your work to be quite skilled and intriguing. With that said ... let's get into it.

    this is slightly revised for this smooth ass fucking beat:

    http://www.hipstrumentals.com/wp-con...strumental.mp3
    I'm at work on my iPhone with no headphones so I can't listen to the beat right now, but I'll come back later on and give it a go.

    You might think of me as cancerous,
    if misconstrued say Iím mad with lust
    except the heart beat truth and itís amorous,
    I like your vocabulary, it's not everyday you see the word "amorous" being used. Also, your rhyme scheme is pretty solid. The one critic I have however is that the word "beat" would roll of the tongue much better if it had an 's' on the end of it. Other than that ... interesting start.

    mightíve sampled you but havenít had enough.
    Why you acting up?
    I do know why but Iím asking ya,
    when we make contact I know thereís action underneath your skin
    - let me in - more than just me tryna blast a nut.
    I know the way shit go, yo youíve had it tough,
    and the reason why is Iím a bastard huh?
    Give me a chance to patch up the cracks I cut,
    Your wording is solid from top to bottom as is your flow. It all reads very naturally, which in turns translates into an authentic sense of emotion being expressed.

    I feel as if I'm sitting within an earshot of a man who is pleading with his lover for a second chance, while apologizing for the mistakes that he has made and the damaged he has caused his significant other. It's genuine writing that doesn't come off as forced or trying to convince the audience of anything. It has no agenda. It just is ... what it is.

    Tryna grow, I donít know all the things that Iím lacking but
    -- your compassionís one, nourished by its fragile touch.
    Yeah, that's dope. I dig the poetry.

    I can be rough, if you want,
    yet my hands are smooth when clad with love.
    Your eyes are saying that this can be love,
    still it canít be trusted, so Iím candid: love me (love me).
    Not tryna have you beneath me and be the man above, see
    I mean sex as well as our standing, lovely.
    That's tight. In so few lines you were able to lyrically articulate trust issues, a willingness to compromise and a strong sense of desire and need for a companion. Now in my opinion this story seems to be about a relationship that's on the rocks and also about one partner feeling hurt and possibly betrayed, while the other is trying their damnedest to reconcile the situation.

    Got me standing up be it in more than one way.
    I want you to stay right beside me,
    for we are equals entirely;
    despite the fact I sometimes feel silently
    when I observe you I donít deserve you.
    I hope Iíve wrote the words to
    adequately say I need you -- thatís it.
    the way you make me feel erratic,
    your sway appealing to my habit,
    can I play and peel away the fabric
    to praise and breathe in all your magic
    Ė is that okay? donít even need to ask it.
    Yasmin the light shines at me and Iím basking
    in your truest, luminescent blooming essence;
    The wording here is flawless -- the lyrics -- personal and honest. The entire section was smooth; from the scheme, to its transitions, to the lingo used. It all came together to creating something enjoyable for the readers to absorb and for your muse (Yasmin) to truly appreciate.

    the Moon confesses its love for the Sun
    with its continued presence, and now he is seeing her.

    Thank you for being here.
    Perhaps unintentionally deep, but food for thought nonetheless. The metaphorical comparisons between your relationship and the celestial bodies speaks to the necessity of duality and how it takes one to define and give purpose to the other. Although different in some ways, each is equal to the other in terms of [insert word]. It's a great analogy to use when describing how important one person is to another. In any regard, I thought this to be a very poignant and suitable ending to what was truly a captivating tale of confession, conviction and hopefully redemption.

    Dope stuff, English.


    Peace...

  7. #7
    Ars Longa Vita Brevis English's Avatar
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    Re: sun & moon

    i'm pretty sure i've never even addressed you before let alone shared a conversation? re: the preamble

    but much love for the thoughtful feedback broham

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  8. #8
    Sleep... an arm to pr3tnd A Disciple's Avatar
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    Re: sun & moon

    That was beautiful and I could relate once... I don’t much to say to critique or what ever but concept and vocabulary above and beyond point. I actually enjoyed reading it!
    ~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..~..
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