143 - Untitled

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Thread: 143 - Untitled

  1. #1
    SirVent
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    143 - Untitled

    I can't move
    Like frozen time has frozen time
    Like the line for freedom is stretched around the block twice
    It must be nice not to go through what I am submerged in...

    I am swallowed in the hallow halls of uncertainty
    Feeling the urgency blurring through hurrying thought
    Bought a front row seat to the chaos that have me off kilter
    Filtering the cleanliness of being at peace and dirtying the edges with strife
    I am a capeless caper facing the long of the game
    Knowing that an end has to come

    So how do I deal
    How do I rise above the mist and see the shadowy stillness

    I guess I'm a guest in this purgatory
    Stuck slurring clear thoughts and actions
    Vaporizing strands of civility to the radon fingers

    How do a claim peace
    How do I not spite GOD for taking someone who meant so much
    I hate being to that he will be in a better place that he wouldn't hurt again and the disease that plague the normal parameters are frayed and jaded to the point that I can't recognize the errors of its ways from the progression of being better

    A concert of lies and half truths
    Falsetto singing an aria pitching a shut out on bad intentions and outcomes
    Conducting the removal of my sanity

    I wish I could have my father back.....

  2. #2
    Bye bye black bird Poeta Demonio's Avatar
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    Re: 143 - Untitled

    Vote -No.

    I think there are some great lines in here, like the 'line for freedom stretched out around the block twice' yet I feel the mass majority of lines, especially in the latter half feel forced and stretched to me. Also, I'm by no means a grammar Nazi, but if you aren't going to use grammar you must be masterful enough to do so, like Kafka used to! But I don't think he currently is at the ability level to go all post structuralist on it! The emotion comes through strongly, but the word choices such as 'who meant so much' and 'conducting the removal of my sanity' feel inorganic to the wider tonality of the piece.

    Good piece, just don't feel it's ready to be done with editing.
    AI


    “ˇViva la Revolución!”

  3. #3
    Landed Emily's Avatar
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    Re: 143 - Untitled

    based on a few errors here and there taking polish off where a hof should probably have polish, i unfortunately vote no also.

    V - no.


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