_Lyrics - Flowers

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Thread: _Lyrics - Flowers

  1. #1
    SirVent
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    _Lyrics - Flowers

    Tulips were the first to speak in the spring
    she was shy, dominated dormancy
    inside most time, but she'll show herself
    for a touch of warmth after enduring coldness..

    A beautiful little thing that couldn't last
    as soon as she's rubbed the wrong way
    she's back from where she came
    There's no tools to dig her up again..

    Then there was Rose, she stole the show
    in her ruby reds that kissed her hips
    she was hardy and could go for a while
    Easy to see why shes a favored variety

    One that just couldn't know a gentle touch
    yeah, there's times i'm just down to fuck
    but sometimes i need more than a thorn.
    so i'll save the sentiments, she'll get a prick.

    When I met Daphne, she was bigger
    but we hit it off, i seen something in her
    gave her what she wanted, she got trim
    and bloomed her best once she was thin

    I've got no problem cutting a bush
    or obsessing over someone that looks.
    Cant keep shaping things the way she wants
    without getting the birds and bees involved..

    Around Daphne, crept Heather
    who was stepped on quite a lot
    but it just made her stronger and also kind of hot
    we had a lot of ground to cover...

    troubled by respecting some borders
    everything around us was an edge she was over
    outrageous in every new place she was took
    wanted to touch everything, just couldn't stay put

    cat fight, saw Susan when she was black eyed
    man looked like he wanted to jump in
    when i said "your not gonna be that guy"
    watched me take Heather then I couldn't get her away

    She did better, just needed someone supportive
    broken potential she can grow from, unnoticed
    still remember your yellows in rays from the sun
    he loves you, just has trouble cultivating your love

    she knows im there to help and tend as a gardener
    but there's other Flowers like when i met with Veronica
    who once made me think there aint another to turn to
    had me feeling higher than royalty, her color was purple

    It was like she couldn't stop, i was really impressed
    was never serious except where it'd be next
    there was never anything I was against us trying
    but I couldn't stop thinking about her sister Violet..

    I didn't try it, the temptation was building
    in a face that was grinning, i hate to admit it
    naughty by nature, it keeps me quite aroused
    laying in an open field, thinking about the flowers..





    @Emily @143

  2. #2
    Landed Emily's Avatar
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    Re: _Lyrics - Flowers

    I say yes. Reasons are in my feed.


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  3. #3
    Bye bye black bird Poeta Demonio's Avatar
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    Re: _Lyrics - Flowers

    I'm on the fence. It's an awesome concept but I feel like the piece itself is closer to a draft than a finished work. For instance, I feel as though the wording on certain parts cause the flow of the poem to read awkwardly, like the 'but sometimes i need more than a thorn' stanza. I also feel the grammar at times throws me off. Like not capitalizing at the start of sentences, and then on other occasions, he does capitalize. It's not a huge problem, but a HOF piece should be polished I feel. Also at the start he writes 'tulips' instead of 'tulip' which both would sound better and stick to continuity as with 'rose' and 'violet' and 'veronica'. If he meant it as wordplay (two lips) I like it A LOT more, but then even so, I'd prefer that to be3 explored further in the rest of stanza, which i don't feel there is.

    On the flip side, it's super well written outside of the minor grammatical errors and Lyrics is a very talented poet, but I don't think I can vote it in unless Lyrics re drafted. Hope I'm not being unfair, but it's the way I feel about the piece.

    Vote: Not yet
    AI


    “ˇViva la Revolución!”

  4. #4
    SirVent
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    Re: _Lyrics - Flowers

    My vote was no by the way I never posted it accidentally

    Too long, and it could have gotten the message across at half the length.

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    we expect the outcome to mirror the struggle, that's wrong.

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