Holiday Blues

[Metrics]

Floating in infinite space as I casually do, my mind on rewind replaying images of you
Lost is your face with that smile so true, I simply can’t remember what I need to

I try to recall the thoughts I thought I lost, and some will come bringing tears as their cost
Eventually the images cease as I exhaust, this is a memory line I often cross

I’ll be watching the little ones grow, running, tumbling, building fortresses of snow
They’re joyful and whole like how we used to glow, I should be happy I know.

But while everyone’s fluttering along rambling on about random Christmas songs
I’m talking with your mom, who’s blabbering on about some sitcom as I try to remain calm

I’ll pretend I’m here and joy stricken as can be, I’ll do it for them as you would for me
And whenever I close my eyes is when I can truly see, together again is just an eventuality




http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...emy-justify-me

http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...om-BaTTle-rApS

[Emily]

bump

[Conceptual]

Well this was a jolly, lighthearted read. Xmas with family vibes, for good or bad, it is what is it you know. I feltthis was mostly a feel good piece, tho I detected signs of neurosis when speaking with the mom. You kept the rhymeschemes consistent, not too advanced but aye ok. So the big positve here is the simple yet effective imagery. As for constructive criticism I say you could have expanded upon this piece further, either with a more compelling story or statement. Overall good job, but I bet you could have made it even better with more effort.

[Metrics]

Thanks for the feedback. It was just a quick post getting some feelings out. I appreciate the time you took to read it!

[143]

You got something here. The basics was definitely there, you kept the piece moving forward not stagnating on any part of the topic. I like the little introspect aspect of it looking at someone who was close being gone at a time when we all need that closeness. The only gripe that I would say but not an important need is to open up your vocabulary to include words that would give some depth to what you are saying. I not saying that what you have here is bad in anyway and understand that this was pretty much a quick key but I would like to see one of your drops that has levels to the imagery and wording. Keep at it cause you got something here....

[Metrics]

It was a quick piece. When I have time to work on something more complex I definitely will. Thank you greatly for the feed!