bone dust

[Martyring]

A skeleton of a building, rusted
tin roof, two horses, noble
but
a few cows and sheep are grazing
near the barbed wire fence some
with their heads poking through
nearby coming out of the woods
the sunbeams on the blond hair of
a Labrador retriever lost on dirty
backroads where he laid like a
junkie on blankets of needles
in his mind the silver canoe
moon floats around the sky
presumably celestial fisherman
cast out their lines and reel
in souls like they were selfish
like they sea shells around
our hearts and they want to
smash them against rocks or
throw them off cliffs until their
is nothing left but bone
dust.

[Jukon]

so, i think this was pretty dope. i wasn't expecting it, i haven't really read much of your work i don't think. but the fluidity of this is great and you seem to speak solely in metaphors and similes, and i really liked that. also, bone dust is a great fucking title lol. the only problem i have here is that i don't really see a story developing, just kind of like you were spitballing, but it worked. i really liked it though. great piece man

presumably celestial fisherman
cast out their lines and reel
in souls like they were selfish
like they sea shells around
our hearts and they want to
smash them against rocks or
throw them off cliffs until their
is nothing left but bone
dust.

^^this was the best part

[Martyring]

Thanks man

[Spoken Deity]

I want this to be longer, mostly because I feel the first few lines set things up in a fairly dry way, only to suddenly go full on soon after. My concern for the first few lines is that they don't take us anywhere; a picture is provided--more or less told to us or explained--but it doesn't do a whole lot with or for the rest of the poem. It's obvious how it connects 'narratively,' but does little to let us know what direction you're heading in this little poem. But hot damn, when it turns it turns really, really well. I enjoy the labrador line if only because it's the first real piece of imagery you give (connected with the sunbeam), but it's right after that everything starts moving. The "sea shells" around our hearts wasn't necessary, I think. It strikes me as a bit on the nose and little played. But the image itself, what you paint with the silver canoe and what not is quite good.
I'd enjoy seeing this edited a bit; perhaps seeing what kind you could do to stretch this out and help us understand why the opening stanza is relevant at all. But overall, your mechanics show that you know what you're doing. Good to see you active again.

[Martyring]

Yeah this was kind of just a bunch of rough drafts put together. I didn't fool anyone lol. but join the poetry league man.. we need you haha

[Spoken Deity]

@howlz I may join. Busy life. More or less just jotting down down random thoughts and stanza nowadays.