Event Horizon

[Sammy]

Event Horizon

death death death
death is all i see
all i see is death
all that's me is dead
the fallen trees. the strength.
i was a coliseum. open-minded, heartened theater
but the heart, it teeters, so i call to see him
breathing? sleeping ... peacefully as the machine is beepin
i see him...but i don't see him...nah mean?
weakened, plight of an iris seeking a light of defiance
his might were of silent mice deciding if they wanna die fighting
or risk life trying.



http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthre...ke-in-a-Mirror
http://rapbattles.com/forum/showthread.php?491484-She

[Karaoshi]

-> http://rapbattles.com/forum/forumdisplay.php?5-Open-Mic

[143]

I am loving the inevitability in this piece, the way that you make death's presents so profound but transparent. That feeling when you know that the end of something is near and your nerves tingle. You brought out some undertones that resonate more in the second half of this than the first. The first have to me was more of poking you to notice what you are saying, then you drop the bomb in the second half. Overall I like the piece as it would be great as a performance piece because of the way you make these sweeping images play on one another.

[Sammy]

I am loving the inevitability in this piece, the way that you make death's presents so profound but transparent. That feeling when you know that the end of something is near and your nerves tingle. You brought out some undertones that resonate more in the second half of this than the first. The first have to me was more of poking you to notice what you are saying, then you drop the bomb in the second half. Overall I like the piece as it would be great as a performance piece because of the way you make these sweeping images play on one another.

thanks bro! appreciate you even giving it a chance!

[TheIllyricist]

Great title. Anything about event horizons is dope and would attract my attention, especially since I'm also a fan of the horror movie with the same name. Great cult classic if you haven't watched it, watch it. Anyway, I'm rambling.

All you see is death (speaking in terms of the narrator when I say 'you'). The point of no return, where no light can escape, that's the boundary of the black hole. 143 hit on the 'inevitability' of it. For where do things end if the end is not death. I could see this as an interesting bit of slam poetry, and it would be fantastic spoken out loud. The vague language actually lends it self strongly here as it makes the concept more challenging. Coliseum, open mind, heartened theater. I see an open coliseum, the open heart, the theater of life; this play that we live and perform. 'see him' 'machine' 'beepin' -- All interesting uses that provoke multiple thoughts. I'm personally visualizing the visiting of a dying relative in the hospital. The machine is beeping, he's breathing, but how long. You see him, and you don't as his 'irises'/eyes are showing a small amount of defiance in the face of inevitable death, the event horizon he's on the precipice of just about to fall into darkness.

One of the better pieces I've seen 'round here of late.

[Emily]

Hey Sammy, here we go...



death death death
death is all i see
all i see is death
all that's me is dead
I like this. Normally I might say it could be a bit of 'overkill' lol ironically, but the repetitive nature of that certain word is eerie and hits the spot. Good job making sure we're aware you're entirely encircled by death and all it encompasses. Because of the repetition of those words, you've managed to paint a very thick, black cloak, over your introduction, and it sucks the reader (me) right in.

the fallen trees. the strength. Great descriptions and personification Sammy. Nice one.
i was a coliseum.Omg, this I love. I love the way you said 'i was a coliseum', that's beautiful Sammy.
Stunning wording.
open-minded, heartened theater And it just keeps getting better with these lines.

but the heart, it teeters, so i call to see him
breathing? sleeping ... peacefully as the machine is beepin Hmm, tricky. The machine just changed the lot. We have a picture now, one that places
this person in a very sick state, in a hospital, or on a death bed somewhere, and we have that person we know, who isn't really that person we used to know. Sad reality, and you've used your brush well.

i see him...but i don't see him...nah mean? I do. It's what I was talking about just above. Not sure of the wording ...nah mean...Could just be me though.
It makes it more real, that's for sure, so, yeah, I'm fence sitting on that one. Just not 100% sure how I feel about it.

weakened, plight of an iris seeking a light of defiance Niiiiiice. Very nice indeed. Those words are wonderful. They way they work is magic.
Not just that, but they seem effortless. Good job.

his might were of silent mice deciding if they wanna die fighting Silent mice? How interesting. People seem so little when they're in bed like that don't they? Seem small and frail and well, just so sick, that that sickness takes all those kilos away, and the man, morphs, ugh, I think I'm depressed.
Good job changing the chemistry in my brain.
or risk life trying. Yeah. That's lovely Sammy. That's a clean, fitting, outro.


I think you did the death process, justice. My uncle died not too long ago and he came to mind straight away. His body melted. He changed form.
He was strong, and your descriptions, brought it all back again, which to me, means, this is good writing my friend.
I like it.
Quite unconventional and refreshing, regardless of the subject matter, I felt a breath of fresh air come from your words.
I adore that you dug so deep.
That vulnerability though huh?
Gets me every time.

I enjoyed this piece Sammy.
Keep em coming.

Great Read.

Thank you.

[Spoken Deity]

The opening to the word coliseum is, in my opinion, very weak. You take up half the space of your poem getting us into the thick of things , only to conclude things soon after. I'd simplify what you're doing in the first half. Ask yourself, what are you trying to get across? Is this person you see the central point? If so, how do I start there, or allude to him/her being the center?
The second half had a some witty images and read really nicely. Obviously this is the strongest part of the piece. I'd attempt to find a way to make it more cohesive if you're into editing your pieces.