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Thread: Rev

  1. #1
    ::..VOCABULUS..:: 143's Avatar
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    Rev

    I'm massively flaccid...
    Passivity active only to curtail ill synergies that's lactic
    So those impacted slavishly contract foreign airs
    Moorish cares leaving civility with the rigidity of boarish hairs
    Some say "I know it's fair" like these situations are shares
    Bartered on creepy market secretly removing the lethargic
    But the partitions are set, letting vetting actions impose tares
    That directly dissect the harmless into hollowed compartments

    I look at tolls spent...
    Like those hell bent to cement longevity into a soulful convent
    Show rent receipts compelling angered cerebellums of weathered weapons
    Shooting progression selling hope like measured felons
    Curling the edges so that naturalist bellows of pain
    Graining the texture so that relief is a blockage of barbed wire
    Staining the willows like tar of car tires, friendly fellows are stained
    Being of waning mementos crescendo on embers of garbed fires

    And we watch it burn
    The spurned moments earned atonement yearning condolence
    Turning omit what the holding submit as retribution's ash urn
    Fast learning that mast churning of glass curving is class scurvy
    Bash nerving ass twerk mass merging down to a brash curtsy
    And this dance hurting what was ask curbing a task spurting
    As if the last wordings is a gash burping gas dirty to the vast worthy
    Dining on chard allis and star anise not knowing from Egypt to Dallas
    Have the same egregious malice from the seething callous
    Alone, justice sing ballads falling on ears of cotton
    Grudgingly rotten the evil blotting the same ills forgotten

    Through the chain smoke and blacken willow leaves hang childish words of truth
    "If civility is the norm.....then why is it hard to contain proof of it's fruit...."



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    Best Topical Writer: 143

  2. #2
    Landed Emily's Avatar
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    Re: Rev

    Hey 143. Sorry this has been slept on.
    Your language still amazes me. I didn't find this piece easy to understand on the first read,
    but by the second it unfolded for me.
    I especially love the pace you have in parts like this....

    Some say "I know it's fair" like these situations are shares
    Bartered on creepy market secretly removing the lethargic
    But the partitions are set, letting vetting actions impose tares
    That directly dissect the harmless into hollowed compartments
    Personally, I like the steps the words take, and the melody they make while walking that path of verse.
    I can feel the build in the words, especially on lines like that last one on the above quote here.
    I also admire the conviction in the voice telling the tale. It's not a showy (imo) voice, but a certainty that, just is.

    I also like the wisdom. There's lessons in your writing. Not surface level but deep. And although I struggle at times
    to put it all together at first glance, when it does come together it's an aha moment and I love the insight.

    Graining the texture so that relief is a blockage of barbed wire
    Staining the willows like tar of car tires, friendly fellows are stained
    Being of waning mementos crescendo on embers of garbed fires

    And we watch it burn
    The tone, not harsh, regardless of the descriptions, is imo graceful; what a wonderful juxtaposition, that cusp is inspiring to me.
    Going back to pace, the bit above, '...and we watch it burn...' I love the timing of that, not just that but the words themselves.
    I'm also a little blown away by the rhymes here. Especially the flips you're doing in the last stanza, the internals, multis, the music
    you make with letters is a buzz.

    VVV

    Fast learning that mast churning of glass curving is class scurvy
    Bash nerving ass twerk mass merging down to a brash curtsy
    And this dance hurting what was ask curbing a task spurting
    As if the last wordings is a gash burping gas dirty to the vast worthy
    When I look at certain phrases like
    ...ballads falling on ears of cotton...
    that makes me float. And there's more like that.
    That particular phrase is centred around 'justice singing'.
    I think that's golden.

    I also like how you didn't let go of the wisdom until the outro's last breath.

    Interesting writing 143. Once again, sorry for the late feed.
    Always a pleasure delving into your mindset and spending some time there.
    I always grow as a person around you. Not just because of your writing,
    but also because of 'you' and your humble nature.
    This piece has lessons in humility with the strength and faith of 300.

    Great Read.


    Thank you.
    Last edited by Emily; October 25th, 2016 at 06:42 AM


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  3. #3
    You've Earned a Custom Title! Martyring's Avatar
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    Re: Rev

    this was pretty good. rhyme was sick.

  4. #4
    God Fist Spoken Deity's Avatar
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    Re: Rev

    I wont break this down completely, so I'll point out some great stuff and then some things I felt needed work.
    I really enjoy this kind of style of rap and poetry; words, ideas, and images are slammed together in this way that requires multiple readings. I love it. The issue, for me, is the first stanza uses words that don't make sense.

    "Passivity active only to curtail ill synergies that's lactic
    So those impacted slavishly contract foreign airs
    Moorish cares leaving civility with the rigidity of boarish hairs
    Some say "I know it's fair" like these situations are shares
    Bartered on creepy market secretly removing the lethargic
    But the partitions are set, letting vetting actions impose tares
    That directly dissect the harmless into hollowed compartments"

    The way you're using lactic as an adjective here doesn't make sense to anything you do next. The 'passivity active' line is fine, but such dichotomies require teasing out. The "boarish hairs" line is meant to be a play on words, but falls flat because 'boarish hairs' doesn't imply anything beyond what is 'boorish.'

    As you go on, things become less problematic. Things become clear enough to jive with. Meaning of a few words allude me because I can't place their context, but overall, where you go starts to have the ethical/social punch you're hunting for. The second half of the second verse along with the 3rd are your best work here. Keep using this style, but go back and ask if the sort of images you're using effectively do what you want them to. This piece polished could well be a HoF (as I understand it).

  5. #5
    ::..VOCABULUS..:: 143's Avatar
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    Re: Rev

    @Spoken Deity

    I can explain. The use of lactic is to reference the Ill Synergies as vital as milk. So the passivity is only active to combat the ill synergies that are easy to digest for some. The second line "So those impacted slavishly contract foreign airs" describes the attitude of those who has taken and digested these synergies without any bad feeling thus coming off privileged. The boarish hair is no rep or wordplay for boorish. Boar hairs are used in brushes and is stiff so the word boarish is an adjective for hairs, that's rigidity plays in as well describing how cares leave civility uniformed, sterile and monochrome when civility should be as such. I hope this give you a better look at this as the first stanza is the setup for the rest.
    @Emily

    Thanks love for the feed. you know I always love your input.


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    Best Topical Writer: 143

  6. #6
    God Fist Spoken Deity's Avatar
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    Re: Rev

    @143 I do think you should considering editing this and pulling back on some of the language. Pushing the reader to deal with new words and ideas is important--in fact, it's essential in contemporary poetry, but without a key from which to understand abstractions, one is left more or less scratching their head, especially when you take a turn in a stanza that is quite a bit easier to digest.

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