Keukenhof

[Van Gogh]

I dream of better lands than Netherlands'
Cutthroat world in my palms, it sever hands
Opportunity flies into my life, it never lands
Several fans cover where the weather spans
Whether sands of time go up or down, matters not
I am solid as a Saturn rock, and I pad the lock...
...That seals my door to the future, glad I got,
A heart of gold, a part to hold to my darkened soul
It could spark the hole, it was mined from...
...Gases, I accessed it and saw this sign come
Now the flowers bloom and make me and time, one
My body is a fire that beats a rhythm of a lined drum

[BG513]

Not bad.
Maybe seems a little bit unfinished.
Nice multis which made for an easy read.
Keep'm comin

[Van Gogh]

Not bad.
Maybe seems a little bit unfinished.
Nice multis which made for an easy read.
Keep'm comin

Thank you, I agree...

[Jukon]

Pretty cool, good metaphor usage and you had the multis. However, don't let multis dictate the way a piece goes, as much as they can bring to a piece they can take a lot away from one as well. I don't think it hindered this exact piece, just don't rely on multis to make up for lack of story progression in the future. I see a lot of really great pieces (conceptually) get squashed due to just rhyming for the sake of rhyming and where words don't belong. Anyway, I'm not talking about this piece specifically, just a heads up really. The content was cool, I liked the "opportunity" line, it was clever.

Overall cool piece, could've used some refining and maybe just a tighter leash on the concept.

[KnowP]

Opportunity flies into my life, it never lands
-nice

...That seals my door to the future, glad I got,
A heart of gold, a part to hold to my darkened soul
It could spark the hole, it was mined from...
-this was sick to me. pretty solid



I'm feeling this quickie. short and smooth and to the point but had lots of substance that kept my interest throughout. A few metaphors here and there coupled with good imagery and multi's. Keep em coming man. I really liked this joint. could of been longer to bring it more depth but I see what you did here. Solid.

[thatdudeB]

I liked this. My only complaint was the length really. Clever lines like the "opportunity" one. Smooth flow

Just; good verse