Dagel - Sleepwalker (1) - NO

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Thread: Dagel - Sleepwalker (1) - NO

  1. #1
    SirVent
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    Dagel - Sleepwalker (1) - NO

    Sleepless nights with a dreamless vice,
    am I unconscious when the demons rise?
    My kingdom strikes the legions down,
    one eye open as my freedom's found.
    Reason's bound as the boat sets to sink,
    hopeless at sea, Moby shows his teeth.
    Blowing debris through the raging storm,
    am I raising swords or embracing the lord?
    Tasting the warmth of blood as I drink,
    my lust sings; succumb to eternity.
    The serpent's needs clutch my throat,
    a loveless stroll brings me a touch of woe.
    To judge my soul, one would need to see
    what it means to be a seed of catastrophe.
    Beneath beliefs, I watch through a telescope,
    at a moon that envelopes a blue antidote.
    Swoon from episodes of corrosive waves,
    explosive waste with osmosis plagues.
    A devoted faith as I listen to the machine beeps,
    as caffeine seeps through foreseen arteries.
    Hoping the vaccine reached my mother's heart
    before another star falls from a cluster afar.
    She's suffered with scars, I wish this was a dream,
    fists clench the sheets as she welcomes peace.
    I seldom grieve... but this is an anthology of sonder,
    try to understand the pain of a sleep walker.

  2. #2
    Landed Emily's Avatar
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    Re: Dagel - Sleepwalker (1)

    Ok, there are a few really good lines in this. That catastrophe line is an example of that.
    I wish the last two lines had rhymed though. Sonder/walker just doesn't do it for me, at all.
    The idea behind the delivery is good, but the effortless nature, that streamline affect,
    isn't there for me. Also, I find that this piece has too many images/visuals and not enough msg.
    I'm reading a lot of descriptions, they sound alright, but I'm not falling deeper into a song.
    I'm still skimming a surface.
    I think this suffers from too many things going on.
    Sometimes, less is more.

    v - no
    Last edited by Emily; August 7th, 2016 at 09:06 AM


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  3. #3
    Hop Off KnowP's Avatar
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    Re: Dagel - Sleepwalker (1)

    would of love to have seen more variation in the rhyme scheme. got pretty blah and didn't capture my attention span like an HOF piece should.

    vote no

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