Girl In The Box

[TheIllyricist]

There is no way out of this box
She was here from the beginning,
Six walls with no view, and
No eyes in the dark

They, they damned her here
To this black void
Consumed by the soundlessness
Of silent silence

Taken from the land of violet skies
Where celestial shines cascaded
In divine waterfalls colored
By an Autumn dream

Now the midnight clouds
Bind her with cold chains.
Do not dance sweet child,
Be a good girl

Our words, our books
Will guide the path
To the places you want,
To be.

Belt straps on her arms,
Chalkboard scratches
Are the friends here,
The friends

Tainted rivers, she breathes
Streams not her own
And knows it,
She does

Little girl smiles,
And the puppeteers rejoice
In songs that thread back
To master-hands; origins

Of a twisted symphony
Told in iron strings
By dreamless demons,
Those devils; all

Welcome home, sweet girl
Come back from those lies
Of spring-laid flowers
And a summer’s kiss

Hold the smile, shows her teeth
And the box does open
To a tattered wasteland
Bereft of child

Paradise lost,
The drowned girl waited
With her lips sewn shut,
No eyes in the dark
Those milky orbs shattered

Crimson box, rusted black pools
Drip from ears no longer there
“Hello old liars,”
This is my nightmare…

Pandora, Pandora, Pandora,
Pandora all,
look upon your
works

As this is, made
Indeed finely
By you

Why scream when I cannot hear?

Why beg when I cannot speak?

Why cry when I cannot see?

Oh but I can,
Evil that I am fluent

Diseased maggots
Mouths festered, cups of parasites
Eating me at birth

Take my light,
You greedy souls

From its absence, I am harbinger,
Feasting crow covered
In ash painted feathers

Flash of darkness

The neck is slit

Bathe in the oceans
The oceans of their blood

Blanket I love, blanket you stole

Mine now, this red rag
Carved from veins

Betrayer’s maze

Father I will kill you
And my name will be Joy,

Pirouetted grave dance
Twisted sickness this happiness is

Swift death shall not come,
Mother, as the reaper

I not am

Scream! Yes, scream!
Your pain sates me

Blood chalk on the walls,
No matter how much the boards are washed they cannot be washed
Of the red,
The red,
Mine.

Crumble, box, crumble,
The wrecking swings
Of torn limbs,

Azrael comes in me
The shadow artist
With the sword-swung brush
Hatred made of scarlet rain

I won’t bury you,
I won’t bury you,
But in the fires
Burn!

Wave to Lucifer
For these chains are but the first
Broken,

And the field of graves will grow corpse by corpse
In healthy numbers of the death bloom
Built by me the builder, filled

With architects’ bones
Tossed to hellhounds

Ripping flesh shrieks
Music makes me sway,
And the price is made
Of…

We are all blood
We are all blood

Above the burning box,
Looking down into the ice
The Ninth Circle;
You belong

Smile,

Little girl

Smile.

[Karaoshi]

This had a good sense of narrative throughout. A lot of imagery, most of it quite potent. There were a few moments of poorly worded phrases, and a few moments teetering on the edge of the cliché, but overall an effective and driven piece. Keep it up man.

[Emily]

There is no way out of this box
She was here from the beginning,
Six walls with no view, and
No eyes in the dark
I like how you've got Pandora's box set in stone, from the beginning of time. I especially like the bit where you say 'six walls with no view; and N eyes in the dark.'

They, they damned her here
To this black void
Consumed by the soundlessness
Of silent silence
And I think you depict the emptiness well, the black void, the silence, all gives off a good amount of imagery for us to lap up.

Taken from the land of violet skies
Where celestial shines cascaded
In divine waterfalls colored
By an Autumn dream
Wow, that stanza is a painters pallet. Full of stunning rays of hues and wonderful wording.

Now the midnight clouds
Bind her with cold chains.
Do not dance sweet child,
Be a good girl
lol. I don't know, I like it. I think all these four lines are crisp and tight. The last line gives off another image that I didn't expect. I expected her to be drowning her sorrows but she's able to dance. And she's got someone willing her to worry town lol. I don't know who yet.

Our words, our books
Will guide the path
To the places you want,
To be.
Nice. I like the simplicity in this TheIllyricist. Beautifully clean and innocent. But its your pace that's the winner here. Stunning pace set just right, with a tone that follows suit.
Belt straps on her arms,
Chalkboard scratches
Are the friends here,
The friends
Eww, creepy af. 'Are the friends here, The friends' omgosh, that bit, is brilliant. I love it. It's creepiness is wonderful. I'm wondering if she's so --- out of it --- that the friends might be ---- in her head ---lol but of course, I have no idea which friends we're talking about. I think the repetition of those words was very clever though, and warranted.

Tainted rivers, she breathes
Streams not her own
And knows it,
She does
Odd choice of words, almost backwards, but it works. It gives it an air of old world nature. A quaint, horse and buggy-esq-ness haha! has seeped into my brain. Sorry for making up words Illy, but you know what I mean, ..... I hope.

Little girl smiles,
And the puppeteers rejoice
In songs that thread back
To master-hands; origins

Of a twisted symphony
Told in iron strings
By dreamless demons,
Those devils; all
Some nice wording happening in these two stanzas also. Iron stings is insanely perfect and dreamless demons is also really good, as is the puppeteers rejoice
In songs that thread back
To master-hands.

Welcome home, sweet girl
Come back from those lies
Of spring-laid flowers
And a summer’s kissInteresting that the good and nice, is actually bad and not true. Interesting twist here.

Hold the smile, shows her teeth
And the box does open
To a tattered wasteland
Bereft of child I think I got a bit confused here with the 'shows her teeth'. It might be a tense thing. I'm not sure.

Paradise lost,
The drowned girl waited
With her lips sewn shut,
No eyes in the dark
Those milky orbs shatteredAaaaaand my favourite stanza so far. I like this part a lot. Not only the bit where it says 'the drowned girl waited, with her lips sewn shut.....' but the rest also. Really good descriptions. Nice anomaly suited up with a serious tone.

Crimson box, rusted black pools
Drip from ears no longer there
“Hello old liars,”
This is my nightmare…

Pandora, Pandora, Pandora,
Pandora all,
look upon your
works Nice way with words. Nice way they fall.

As this is, made
Indeed finely
By youYep, that's great.

Why scream when I cannot hear?

Why beg when I cannot speak?

Why cry when I cannot see?

Oh but I can,
Evil that I am fluent There's parts of me that struggles with the slight old english, and parts of me that love the creepy vibe of it, and I can't decide which I'm going for more, so I'm still sitting on this fence. I love the msg though, and where you're going with it.

Diseased maggots
Mouths festered, cups of parasites
Eating me at birth

Take my light,
You greedy soulsNice, espeically after the maggots and stuff, nice that they're so greedy, you'll even offer them your light. That's smart. Intelligent wording.

From its absence, I am harbinger,
Feasting crow covered
In ash painted feathers

Flash of darkness

The neck is slit

Bathe in the oceans
The oceans of their bloodthe repetition is cool. And the dark twists that happen in a blink of an eye.

Blanket I love, blanket you stole

Mine now, this red rag
Carved from veinsThe detached voice that's speaking is so odd and the effect that's left is a bit haunting. Then he goes and says something like this and scores brownie points all over again. '...red rag carved from veins...' I'm in hellish heaven.

Betrayer’s maze Niiiiiiiice

Father I will kill you
And my name will be Joy,

Pirouetted grave dance
Twisted sickness this happiness is

Swift death shall not come,
Mother, as the reaper

I not am

Scream! Yes, scream!
Your pain sates me

Blood chalk on the walls,
No matter how much the boards are washed they cannot be washed
Of the red,
The red,
Mine.So good. So bloody (lol) good.

Crumble, box, crumble,
The wrecking swings
Of torn limbs,eww, how do you think this stuff up?

Azrael comes in me
The shadow artist
With the sword-swung brush
Hatred made of scarlet rainAnother great stanza.

I won’t bury you,
I won’t bury you,
But in the fires
Burn!Love it. Great stanza.

Wave to Lucifer
For these chains are but the first
Broken,

And the field of graves will grow corpse by corpse
In healthy numbers of the death bloom
Built by me the builder, filled

With architects’ bones
Tossed to hellhounds

Ripping flesh shrieks
Music makes me sway,
And the price is made
Of…

We are all blood
We are all blood

Above the burning box,
Looking down into the ice
The Ninth Circle;
You belong

Smile,

Little girl

Smile.

I love the outro.


I like this. I find the title appropriate and the wording interesting and the content creepy and inviting and eerie.
It has an unearthly atmosphere,and bits of it are blood curdling in description and just a bit freaky, which I tend to like.
Some of the stanzas were benefited by the breaks in between them I thought. It gave me a slower pace to read at,
by force lol, which was cool. But there were only a few, and really, very few, lines which weren't as believable as the rest.
The whole thing though was written well and I found it a pleasure to read.
Another good job my friend.
Keep dropping. It's always cool reading your work.

Cool read.

Thank you.