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Thread: WAR/TORN

  1. #1
    Super Grand Heru SELF ACTIVATE's Avatar
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    WAR/TORN

    ...WAR/TORN...


    *Flashback*

    Napalm bombs explode over head
    Machine gun fire...unload or ur dead
    Those Vietcong dogs ripped the bones
    Out my leg...exposed alone...
    Bullets riddled the command!
    Communication down: not a sound!
    Not a plan! I took a bandage out
    Then I ripped with my hands
    Spilt it into halves to try'n stop the blood
    That was pouring down my calf!
    I wrapped it then I grabbed
    A grenade out the grass
    That's when I heard a BOOM!
    Two helicopters crashed
    In a blaze full of fuel
    The flames and the fumes
    Haunt me everyday like a plague
    Or a tune stuck inside my head
    And it plays like the news
    The faces of my crew
    The pain and the gloom
    Good Morning Vietnam:
    Rest in peace my Platoon
    Apocalypse Now: Jesus Christ in a few
    The life of a vet that didn't die with his troop!


    Snapback!

    "Hey Granpa wat's ta matta...why you sweatin in ya sweep?
    Can ya tell me wat dis means...Mommy calls it psd?
    But I tink that der's a T scribbled somewhere inbetween.
    See she wrote it on dis sheet when da doctor called last week.
    See you fightin in ya dreams wit da Boogie Man and monstas.
    But you need'nt be afraid cuz I use to have dat problem.
    'Til daddy bought a light and he put it right beside me..
    Now every night I sweep it blinds the monstas tryna find me!

    *If you need it you can have it cuz da Boogie Man is dead.
    Cuz dat dolly dat you made me put a bullet in his head.
    Kilt his gobblins and his guards and his gremlins and his pets.
    Mommy tot I wet da bed but dat was blood from his neck!!!"*


    Snapback!

    "Granpa! Did you hear me???

    "WAIT...sweety where's my meds"?!?

    "Mommy left 'em on da table by da maple and da bread..
    Granpa are you sick? Let me run and get 'em quick.
    Before you end up in da bath again...tryna drown da fish!"

    *Flashback*

    Crawling thru the bush like a crab on the beach
    Body parts all around me ... human flesh and debris
    If Death wants a feast then it's destined to be
    But I'm takin out these gooks with every breath that I breathe!


    Snapback!
    To be continued...

  2. #2
     Murder The Mainstream Nohbody's Avatar
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    Re: WAR/TORN

    Sup Self,

    Its pieces like these that remind me i dont make it around to the open mic forums enough. The intro was a great build up, second verse comes in and you made a smart move in writing out the voice you wanted the reader to hear. I really was like a child asking his grandfather questions, and done quite brilliantly. Not a complete project as i see you left room for a part II . . . but this a very enjoyable read for me. Good work bro

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  3. #3
    Brian! Welcome to WalMart
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    Re: WAR/TORN

    different topic, which was good. it flowed well for me. And the overall was good. I can't really quote anything. But there wasn't a weak part to me. My favorite verse though was the first one

  4. #4
    Super Grand Heru SELF ACTIVATE's Avatar
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    Re: WAR/TORN

    Thanks.

  5. #5
    Landed Emily's Avatar
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    Re: WAR/TORN

    Nice one Self. I like both parts here. Both parts are imo written well and sound authentic. The child's part is no easy feat and good on you for doing it justice. You did the child really well, and as Enoch said, it's good you wrote it like we read it. The way its supposed to sound. Writing a young child's voice is all about keeping it honest, and it sounds really honest Self. Also, the vet's part was written well too. The description that went with all his sections took you to that place of hell and gunfire and had that atmosphere you're looking to build, it had it, so again, good stuff there. My interest here is definitely in both these parts meshing.
    The oppositional differences of both characters and the sweetness they give off when they're together is so sweet. The black and white of it. The sweet and sour. You've made it work really well Self.
    His flashbacks were very descriptive and I think the language you used really helped that old man's section take off.
    Yeah, you did another good job with this one Self. I'm looking forward to part 2.
    Napalm bombs explode over head
    Machine gun fire...unload or ur dead
    Those Vietcong dogs ripped the bones
    Out my leg...
    it plays like the news
    The faces of my crew
    The pain and the gloom
    Good Morning Vietnam:
    Rest in peace my Platoon
    Apocalypse Now: Jesus Christ in a few
    The life of a vet that didn't die with his troop!
    "Hey Granpa wat's ta matta...why you sweatin in ya sweep?
    Can ya tell me wat dis means...Mommy calls it psd?
    But I tink that der's a T scribbled somewhere inbetween.
    See she wrote it on dis sheet when da doctor called last week.
    See you fightin in ya dreams wit da Boogie Man and monstas.
    But you need'nt be afraid cuz I use to have dat problem.
    'Til daddy bought a light and he put it right beside me..
    Now every night I sweep it blinds the monstas tryna find me!
    lol re: ^^^ that quote. I was going to chop it up but...damn its all good. I like it all.

    *If you need it you can have it cuz da Boogie Man is dead.
    Cuz dat dolly dat you made me put a bullet in his head.
    Kilt his gobblins and his guards and his gremlins and his pets.
    Mommy tot I wet da bed but dat was blood from his neck!!!"*
    Ok, I'll stop quoting, because I could go on and I'll probably end up quoting nearly all of it.



    Top job.

    Great Read.


    Thank you.
    Last edited by Emily; May 30th, 2016 at 06:09 AM


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  6. #6
    Super Grand Heru SELF ACTIVATE's Avatar
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    Re: WAR/TORN

    Wow great feed per usual Em and highly appreciated as always

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