Whoami - Of Dawn's Abyss (1) NO
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View Poll Results: HOF?

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  • Yes

    1 50.00%
  • No

    1 50.00%
Showing results 1 to 5 of 5
  1. #1
    SirVent
    Join Date
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    Texas
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    Battle Record
    13-2
    Awards PS Champion Haiku Champion OM HOF PC HOF SOTW

    Whoami - Of Dawn's Abyss (1) NO

    Of Dawn's Abyss
    or
    The Sad Chatter of a Mad Hatter


    Wandering white doves drift by . . .
    Pondering, high-strung, if I could fly . . .
    Would I reminisce above the riptide?

    Gift tied, I delivered my presence wrapped, entrapped
    in wax, shrouded in shrapnel, a casual jackal in mask.
    As long as I am upright, I am uptight, laughing at the thought
    that love might subside my lust quite; yet it's something always sought.

    Injections of saline, now the scenes of daily, seem not to dissuade me
    when pleas fraught with dismay mean please stop with the hating.

    "He's no longer with us - caught in the daydream, his soliloquy sedating."

    Standing at the edge of the bronze cliffs, at the behest of Dawn's Abyss:
    Aim not amiss, my demons beckon the plunge under veils anonymous.
    Of course I'm not fond of this, I am a slave upon this ship, sinking,
    its destination being anywhere other than the space I do my thinking.

    I owe my own men some sort of omen when it comes to the notion
    of roamin' oceans alone without matters of motion; one's devotion
    prone to lacking motivation without a way home from the wave's throne.
    My loyalty - paved stone - unwavering and authentic as clay bone -
    lingers lonesomely on the brink, wishing it had only stayed home.

    My desperate demons' demeaning demands - atrocious;
    absentmindedly approaching ends of rope - psychosis.

    Picturing pigment of a figurine figment pendent upon a penchant need
    for penmanship premises promising the honoring of hedonistic henchmen.

    Perhaps I can carry on after all . . .

    After all, inundating, marry song -
    undulating, weary calm -
    stored my soul aft - her all . . .


  2. #2
    SirVent
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    Location
    Texas
    Age
    28
    Posts
    7,774
    Battle Record
    13-2
    Awards PS Champion Haiku Champion OM HOF PC HOF SOTW

    Re: Whoami - Of Dawn's Abyss (1)

    You know; this one was closer than last month's for him. Less technical/ mechanical and more umm abstract. However it still felt forced with the wording and it wasn't fluid. A lot of abrupt pauses due to weird word placement and word strings just for the sake of rhyming. For those flaws alone, this is a no from me

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    the theory of cause and effect is flawed,
    we expect the outcome to mirror the struggle, that's wrong.

  3. #3
    Landed Emily's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jan 2014
    Posts
    5,484
    Battle Record
    2-2
    Awards MOTM PC HOF

    Re: Whoami - Of Dawn's Abyss (1)

    I don't know why this didn't grasp me.
    It didn't do much for me.
    I felt unmoved, which is odd, but, I guess some tales won't be on my best seller list.
    This for some reason, is one of those.
    I can't get excited about this piece, so based on that honesty, I'll have to vote-No.


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  4. #4
    ::..VOCABULUS..:: 143's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2007
    Location
    The Desert
    Posts
    2,162
    Battle Record
    8-9
    Awards SS Champion PC HOF OM HOF

    Re: Whoami - Of Dawn's Abyss (1)

    I am actually feeling this, I give it a yes because it's different and he is giving an effort to go out of the box.


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    Best Topical Writer: 143

  5. #5
    SirVent
    Join Date
    Mar 2010
    Location
    Texas
    Age
    28
    Posts
    7,774
    Battle Record
    13-2
    Awards PS Champion Haiku Champion OM HOF PC HOF SOTW

    Re: Whoami - Of Dawn's Abyss (1)

    2-1 no.

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    the theory of cause and effect is flawed,
    we expect the outcome to mirror the struggle, that's wrong.

 

 

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