Diasick - Domestic Lies (2)

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Thread: Diasick - Domestic Lies (2)

  1. #1
    SirVent
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    Diasick - Domestic Lies (2)

    Don't really know if people still post in here, wanted to get more feedback on this from other places.


    Domestic Lies



    I'm finally speaking up, all the years of mental abuse I feel mistreated and SHOOK.
    I look battered and confused, these scars are inconsistent with the beating I took.
    I hid my face when I was being pummelled because there's no reason to look.
    my face to his fist, was the missing ingredient.. like seasoning to cooks.
    the stories of domestic violence hit home, but they sound meaningless in books.
    I just want to die, because he manipulated me... now I'm breathing less and SHOOK.


    I don't know what went wrong...

    We were arguing one day, and he said I embarrassed him in front of his friends.
    He twist's everything I say, so he can justify his excuse for crushing my ribs.
    Refused to function with him, If I didn't cooperate he'd use the seduction for sin.
    All I need is a reduction to win, get rid of his ass... the destruction begins!
    Every time I try to better myself, he counters.. and restructures the trends.
    He won't stop messing with my head until my spine re punctures and bends.

    He wants me in the worst condition possible, bloody, or laying on the mattresses naked.
    It has me anticipating my own death, every day I'm praying that my casket is waiting.
    But knowing him he has an insurance policy, that'll be paid when my ashes is graved in.
    hope he gets into a wreck, his body flies through the windshield and crashes on the pavement.
    the glass shatters on his face, pierce's his jaw, and his skull cracks into a fragment.
    If the damage is enough to qualify for a body bag, please let me be the last one to drag it.


    You claimed I wasn't good for you, everyone that knows us, knows that isn't logical.
    Your complaints are followed by vivid descriptions of my death; who sounds more diabolical?
    You hiding your face wasn't my fault, you just didn't want to be seen by the world.
    youíre doing us both favors, insecure now, and I don't want to be seen with that girl.
    You used to be more humble, now you struggle, and want someone to pacify your need.
    That defines your greed, so I have to continue to strategize until you can actualize your grief
    .


    You expect everyone to feel sorry for you, you cried every night but it is tears of regret.
    You couldnít weather the storm, despite seeing the forecast years before we met.
    You were more violent in this relationship than me, and all of your fears restore the threat.
    Every time you got scared and felt scorned, all you could think of was to explore my death.
    You focused on the stupid shit I did, you had a lot of problems too but you ignored the rest.
    expected to fix a broken relationship under your own terms, just because you deplore what's left.

    It took me awhile to see it, but itís in front of my eyes, that you was always submissively strange.
    You would beat yourself up, so I stay conflicted, Itís almost like Iím committed to getting the blame.
    didnít get ur way, took a razor to your wrist, so when the cops came they thought I inflicted the pain.
    branded yourself with ur own fist; you're branded in me through tattoo's that encrypted ur name.
    Iím not a military man, but in this cold war, we fight the same fight, and weíre enlisted the same.
    They don't believe in your lies anymore because Iím acquitted every time Iím hit with a case.


    Youíre finally speaking up, but every time you open your mouth, it just causes our soul to melt.
    You can play the victim, and spread your countless lies all you want, itís like itís your goal to fail.
    grown women participating in show and tell, a slow recovery, means this shit isnít going well.
    Everyone knows the tail, that men hit harderÖ but itís their women, that will hit below the belt.
    It's hard to believe in your lies when there's no real explanation for your constant bruising.
    insurance policy? if I get money from your death, then that was your only contribution.


  2. #2
    Administrator ILLunatic's Avatar
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    Re: Diasick - Domestic Lies (2)

    Conceptually I felt this was an interesting read but I wish some of the lines could have been polished a bit better. The word choices in quite a few of the lines seemed rather forced, some also being repeated often. I felt this was a possible contender for Hall of Fame worthy but felt it fell a little flat on the creative aspect of it all.


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  3. #3
    Gotta be Tardi Fresh's Avatar
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    Re: Diasick - Domestic Lies (2)

    This had a lot more potential if it had been worded more crisp. Felt like the flow suffered greatly and also there was a lot of extra material in there I personally don't think was necessary. It's a good piece no doubt, but imo this is not HOF worthy.

    v - no

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  4. #4
    SirVent
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    Re: Diasick - Domestic Lies (2)

    Honestly this piece is nice, but if it had been any other concept; executed the same way, it would've been a harder decision. Some weak wording and cheesy concept is what makes this a no for me

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    the theory of cause and effect is flawed,
    we expect the outcome to mirror the struggle, that's wrong.

  5. #5
    Landed Emily's Avatar
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    Re: Diasick - Domestic Lies (2)

    I think the concept and the twist was well done. Obviously great writing and rhymes.
    What ruined it for me was the continuous rhyme pattern from top to toe.
    For me, the melody of a piece speaks volumes and this is sung with one consistent note taking centre stage. Also, there were a few typo's and little irritations that I noticed, that for a hof piece, should not be seen I believe.
    I feel that lack of melody hinders this piece as the tone gets tired easily and instead of focusing on the story line, I found myself
    concentrating on me wishing for a change up of flow. Based on the mundane music this made when I read it, I vote-No.


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  6. #6
    ::..VOCABULUS..:: 143's Avatar
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    Re: Diasick - Domestic Lies (2)

    I'm definitely feeling that in the long bar form this should have been detailed more. the structure alone gives you the space to really come with some sharp imagery and it seems to me that he lagged on it as he was looking to have the structure be his pitch and add a little of this and a little of that. Nope try again


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    Best Topical Writer: 143

  7. #7
    SirVent
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    Re: Diasick - Domestic Lies (2)

    5-0 No

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    the theory of cause and effect is flawed,
    we expect the outcome to mirror the struggle, that's wrong.

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