Judge Mentill - Devil's Daydream (1) 0-5

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Thread: Judge Mentill - Devil's Daydream (1) 0-5

  1. #1
    SirVent
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    Judge Mentill - Devil's Daydream (1) 0-5



    The Devil's Daydream


    "We're fucked!"

    The fists beat a symphony on the door
    Summons from an unholy ministry

    "Check the floor!
    They have cellars in these old houses..."


    Nails scrape a chorus
    The dead have sniffed us out and now seek to reward us
    Mark pulls the rug back; I breathe a sigh of relief
    A trapdoor gleaming like the hope I hope lies underneath
    A plank cracks, hands scramble through the gap with a groan
    I lift my hatchet like an axeman, the swings hack to the bone

    "Get in here!"


    The blood splashes as I sprint to the exit
    Hit the ladder with a wince

    "Relax, It's clear, I checked it."


    We pull the portal closed as the door buckles inwards
    To the sound of immortal moans, the spilling of innards
    Slam it shut like a thunder clap, pull hard on the latch
    And light up our save haven with the spark of a match

    "Oh Christ, oh Christ..."

    "Dammit, pull yourself together!
    We've been through worse than this."


    Sailed through stormier weather
    Like the days when the apocalypse first came a-calling
    Panic rampant on the streets, people insane or maudlin
    The butchery, then reality as life as the prey
    Creeping through the eerie streets as quiet as the grave
    But corners were turned and alliances made
    And some form had returned of society's shade
    So the town we now hailed from had demands to be filled
    And a crate of groceries was worth a man to be killed
    A supply run had gone sideways; we were rats in a trap
    And the only way out was through... with knives parting the gap

    "Look at me Mark; I know life's a shit-storm
    That every day's a bitch, we can't escape from
    But fuck it, we can do this! I know it may seem,
    That things won't improve. This is the Devil's Daydream!
    So let's tear the mask off the demon and expose this fake fuck
    Because the thing about nightmares is; you always wake up."


    He curses and pulls his knife out

    "I'm going to regret this."

    "Relax, if you die, I'll give your missus the message."


    We burst out in a flurry, twisting free from clasping hands
    Shoving to the doorway by the flash of gnashing fangs

    "Keep going!"

    I nearly stumble, my partner rights me
    Catches a rotting embrace, grunts, then fights free
    We stagger through the exit to the glare of sunshine
    Pound the concrete to the truck

    "Quick! There isn't much time!"

    Hop in the driver's side, the street's are alive
    To the march of shuffling feet surging towards us like a tide

    "Put your foot down!"

    We break through with sickening thuds
    Run down the wall of flesh, blood slicker than mud

    "God, bring me that horizon."


    The truck clears the town
    And the daydream's interrupted before our fears were found
    Last edited by Jukon; April 7th, 2016 at 05:12 PM

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    the theory of cause and effect is flawed,
    we expect the outcome to mirror the struggle, that's wrong.

  2. #2
    Landed Emily's Avatar
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    Re: Judge Mentill - Devil's Daydream (1)

    I liked this, but I don't think it's hof worthy.
    Interesting story telling but not up to par for hof.


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  3. #3
    SirVent
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    Re: Judge Mentill - Devil's Daydream (1)

    Judge is a good writer, still finding his style though and it shows. Conceptually I enjoyed this but it can be taken to such a higher level with the right skill set and I don't think judge is quite there yet

    v/ no

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    the theory of cause and effect is flawed,
    we expect the outcome to mirror the struggle, that's wrong.

  4. #4
    Gotta be Tardi Fresh's Avatar
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    Re: Judge Mentill - Devil's Daydream (1)

    This was a decent read, but it's lacking in fluidity. It wasn't subtle in it's progression so it felt a little bit choppy.

    Definitely potential with this writer but I have to vote no on this piece.

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  5. #5
    ::..VOCABULUS..:: 143's Avatar
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    Re: Judge Mentill - Devil's Daydream (1)

    When I voted in SS on this, his improvement had been noted and thought that this was the better of his verses that he had dropped in the league. I have seen better from him but if you had the pic it would have cleared the imagery up in the verse. I say No to this one


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    Best Topical Writer: 143

  6. #6
    is Power Nahlidge's Avatar
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    Re: Judge Mentill - Devil's Daydream (1)

    This looks familiar, if it is I think I liked it more this time. But it was up and down. Parts I thought bored me and I had a hard time getting through. While other parts were nicely done. Not sure of why I thought parts contrasted so much, but it was enough to throw off a smooth OM.

    Vote - Nah


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