Whoami - The Vision Heir (3) 1-4

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Thread: Whoami - The Vision Heir (3) 1-4

  1. #1
    SirVent
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    Whoami - The Vision Heir (3) 1-4



    The Vision Heir

    surreptitiously supernatural, even for those who knew the actual
    axiom recruiter, Maximal, collared Life through the clavicle
    postponing trips down the rabbithole, warding off the magical
    a sword swing of the tactical seemed not a dream of the practical
    until along came an errant difference made of a serendipitous slayer
    ridiculed by every missionless neighbor, he would show the hypocrites later
    as he allowed the hisses to savor upon reflection in prayer
    with the Creator borne of the realm where Atlas lives, he asked Him this:
    "Life's illusion: an old magic trick of salvaged savages ravaging in maddened fits . . . What's after it?"

    seething beneath all that is beaming serene and teeming with peace
    seemingly free of the meaning of grief, Nietzsche needless receives
    careening defeat; fleetingly reached, he pleadingly seeks
    the silent sword unsheathed from its tattered scabbard to repel the violent horde
    of smiling whores, plastered, mastered through a hellish tyrant lord
    tired and sore with fire-contoured iron adorned and ire absorbed
    forged from ash and clay, he restored the passageway to active hate
    to see who would activate the blackened gate that masked dismay
    and stashed away the passed away in a massive wave of a raptured state

    rooted in rancid, rotten foundation, the basilisk snake, crafted in hate
    with a magical taste for fantastical space, planted softened, mound nations,
    construed of condescending conjurations fond of sending abominations
    of passenger poltergeists forming peripheral pollution upon elation,
    constructed for collusion to abuse the Muses to ensure there's no news of
    the venomous empire incessantly growing, a reckoning showing
    decrepitly glowing spires that once inspired, now depressingly folding,
    effectively knowing enslaving enchantment and emancipating encampment
    is the maximum worth of mankind's presence that shan't be recanted

    acclimated to the climate, a prolific pariah's time spent in silence:
    a vibrant Highman on the insidious island of Diamond, in the rough violence
    he chimed in reminded of the fastidious climbing through space rendered timeless
    at his wit's end with witnesses, the melancholic messiah, an alcoholic, a strider
    drew his last selfish breath approaching the horizon, a melting comet beside a
    sadist's show: the march of marionettes effervescing outwardly, resoundingly,
    and bountifully sound at sea - at last, he found a need; alas, the founder's fee
    only a penny's worth, floundering in fountain dreams scourged by countless fiends
    empowering the cowards' schemes silhouetted with sour scenes
    Last edited by Jukon; April 7th, 2016 at 05:11 PM

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    the theory of cause and effect is flawed,
    we expect the outcome to mirror the struggle, that's wrong.

  2. #2
    SirVent
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    Re: Whoami - The Vision Heir (3)

    Unpopular opinion- I found this piece boring as hell. It got nominated 3 times but I still just couldn't get through it. The monotonous tone and the littered "high" vocabulary took so much away from this piece. In hindsight, the concept was cool and it could've been a great piece had it not been ruined by 1 dimensional story telling. Also, a lot of the multi syllable strings felt forced and the word choice was only used to complete the string. And I have a real problem with people choosing solely technical aspects of writing rather than just letting it flow out.

    V/ no
    Last edited by Jukon; April 9th, 2016 at 04:31 PM

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    the theory of cause and effect is flawed,
    we expect the outcome to mirror the struggle, that's wrong.

  3. #3
    Landed Emily's Avatar
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    Re: Whoami - The Vision Heir (3)

    I found this writing talented and graphic in its descriptions.
    I think the story telling has a lot to say about the writing capabilities of the author.
    He delved deeper than most and you can tell the amount of work that went into it.
    This man has some amazing techniques down pat, and shows them in a structure that
    does his pieces justice.

    v-yes


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  4. #4
    Gotta be Tardi Fresh's Avatar
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    Re: Whoami - The Vision Heir (3)

    I feel like there was a lot of content put in here strictly for the reason of rhyme scheme and big vocabulary, and not so much to enhance the story itself. It was definitely good, but I think the forced vocabuary for reasons other than telling the story took away from this. A cool read, but imo not hof worthy.

    I have to vote no

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  5. #5
    ::..VOCABULUS..:: 143's Avatar
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    Re: Whoami - The Vision Heir (3)

    Damn this feel so familiar.... I see the vocabulary in this and for the most part it was used correctly. This would be the earlier stages in my writing as some of it wasn't needed so the word choices not only cost the flow but were overbearing (can't believe I wrote that!). With vocab, unless you are going out full bore with it, you have to balance word choice with length. You don't want to drop words that will not only put too much emphasis on that line's subject but also fuck up the flow. The flow is the hook that keeps the storyline and imagery fresh and moving. I saw it here and the movement was cool except for some area where it slowed it down. Even the first line I wouldn't use the first word because off the back it slowed the piece down. I much as I like this as a good drop with some exceptional vocabulary and I would personally train this person on the balance of using it but this is not HOF

    Vote No


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    Best Topical Writer: 143

  6. #6
    is Power Nahlidge's Avatar
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    Re: Whoami - The Vision Heir (3)

    This is a good example of when vocab is used for no reason/pay off. It made this a boring read for me. That on top of weirdly worded parts like..
    a sword swing of the tactical seemed not a dream of the practical
    ..was enough to bring this piece down from what it could have been. Nice attempt, but it was forced and that took away from connecting well with me.

    Vote - Nay


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